Vulnerability
00:00 Tyler Welcome to this boys scouts podcast. We're your hosts. I'm Danny and I'm Tyler. How are you guys? Oh, man, we've had a couple of crazy weeks man, and it's the next end of July for me. Yeah So this is going to be an episode that's gonna be a rush to get out. Yeah
00:22 Danny we have we We had some things going on and you were out of town. You went to that concert, dude
00:29 Tyler I was back in Montana sick. I like so for those of you don't know I served my mission in Montana Yeah, and so where I was all over so at the time the mission served the central two-thirds of Wyoming all of Montana Okay, so I was back in Missoula. We we cut through Missoula. We cut through Butte I have you know kind of ties to Butte as well Okay, the the concert was under the big sky and whitefish so sick just an
00:56 Danny Absolutely amazing weekend right great fabulous people people. Yeah, and so so yeah great music We had some friends that went to under the big sky like right after kovat I think it was right after kovat and they had nothing but complaints about it Okay, everybody that I talked to was like that was the worst thing I've ever been to Since then what I've heard is they've gotten better and better and better. So I watched your Pictures in your videos and I was like man. I wish I was there and it seemed like you were like immersed in the whole culture of the of the of the festival because it's oh, yeah festival
01:35 Tyler Oh, it's it's so it's it's so much like save farmland save, you know, it's kind of it's a country music festival So and while I'm not like I'm kind of a new to the country music scene. It's something I just recently Developed a palette for I mean, I love a lot of the music music some of the older older bands we saw I wasn't a hundred percent like That aware of but like it was just such a fun atmosphere we had two weird experiences You know some dude telling us to move along move along move along and Interestingly enough would not make eye contact with me. Isn't that crazy? It's just like I just I just tipped my hat and said ma'am here. You're a very lucky woman as I walked away and
02:21 Danny And then it becomes a joke of the it became the joke all of your group of friends Yeah
02:24 Tyler That group of we just had to tell the story again because we were I was like I was like
02:27 Danny I've never had somebody be that rude at a music festival. Right and and so in Montana Man I would encourage everybody to go up there and experience a music festival in Montana. So we have been to The Red Ants Pants music festival my wife and I went three years in a row We were gonna go this year, but probably not maybe next year, but just so we're clear like the music festivals in Montana are Amazing because you're right all of the local farmers get together all the local cowboys all local ranchers get together and it's just like Such a good environment you go there and you're like, I'm gonna move to Montana tomorrow, right?
03:06 Tyler Right, and I would go back in a heartbeat. Yeah, we were driving through Bozeman Sandal and I was like what we'll buy this place. Oh, I bought Powerball tickets, too And I was like yeah, it's that one billion that's Okay, so nobody won we're gonna have to get some more because I was what the heck joking with my my travel partners that that You know, we're gonna buy a ranch if we if we hit it
03:27 Danny We're gonna have a ranch when we hit it. Um, so we love the I'm gonna probably say it wrong with the Gallatin Valley between yeah Henry's Lake and Ennis. Yeah that little stretch of the river. Yes There's a campground that is off the beaten path that if you like scroll in on Google Maps you can find it and it's first come first serve Misty and I stayed there and We were like this is we walked around and there was not a single soul walked to the river Stood in the river walked up into the little plateaus and then witnessed one of the greatest thunderstorms Lightning storms that ever seen in my life. We sat Next to the Jeep, you know little chairs and we looked out there and we were like This is amazing and it was just her and I but the thing that scared me the most is at night You put all of your belongings all your coolers and stuff into a still
04:22 Tyler Trapped the bears or bears bears. Yeah bears bears everywhere. We didn't see any no we didn't go into the glacier We I've I've been to glacier before previously but beautiful. Oh so gorgeous They also were promising the northern lights, which we didn't see first day. There was a little bit of smoke and You know, but other than that you just get into that big sky country and you just you're just constantly you're just saying wow and festival Like spirit Oh festival spirit festival spirit is the best. Yeah people from all over the area You know met a great group of people from Spokane They just highlight of people to be around just constantly making friends with everybody around and very
05:01 Danny yeah, shout out to Tyler told me about his friend Zach. Yeah to Zach Yeah, hopefully you listen to this act cuz I can't wait to meet you Tyler had nothing but good things to say about you
05:13 Tyler And I'm kind of stoked to to shake your hand and be like man. Thanks for taking care of my friend, right? No, I was it was he was way cool and he was there with his wife and another another friend of theirs and we just we just kind of vibed and He he was one of those guys. He was like man. I did something crazy I got into the VFW and there's a dude that makes tacos at 2 a.m. And I'm like my body is too old To hold that too old to be at 2 a.m. Getting tacos. Yeah, just a really awesome person
05:41 Danny Yeah, so festival life is fun. Um go out there experience it we We have yet to run ours our 10k last it was funny cuz I trip and I were talking about it He goes dad you said 6k. What is this 6k? and I was like You're talking about these like well you said you had a 6k coming up and I was like well I meant 10k It's a 10k six miles. Yeah, we have yet to run that we have we got that coming up. Um
06:07 Tyler Tyler this next couple of weeks. I'm dude is on the road. I'm traveling. I'm hitting Arizona 120 degrees from Morgan Wallen Nice. Yeah And you're doing that with Brin. Yep Me and Brin were headed out there and then we got Hawaii with my kids kind of kicking out the rest this summer In style, but do we want to recap competition? I mean we we we did we did a little talk alive on Instagram You can go back it is pinned in the Lost Boy Scouts Instagram, but you can go back and watch that
06:38 Danny Do you want to talk a little bit about it? Yeah, that's um, let's let's dive into a little bit so We went there with a big team for for our little Academy. Yeah, we had We had a good amount of kids, but we had a lot of adults we had From so Crystal was the first Match out the gate. So shout out Crystal. Yeah, she's great. She's tough. She's one of the up-and-coming She's she's a she's a tough girl and she she was she does the absolute she does her weight division she did the absolute she was first flight of the of the tournament and I got there right after her match and She had lost and it was it was a good match I heard and then we were right into coaching and we were right into for myself. I'm right into coaching right into being at Matt side and You get into that mindset of Coaching and I also know that I'm competing right? Yeah, so we're going out there where we're we Had some of the kids do really really well, which was awesome And then then you start into the adults and you know that you're close Yeah, I seen you and you came up and then we were kind of warming up trip Braxton and myself We warmed up a little bit. Yeah, the warm-up started off a little weird that I had to get involved with some guy grabbed Braxton and wanted to warm up with him and Braxton's such a great he is he literally is the epitome of a beautiful human absolutely because This guy came up to him and was like hey Do you want to warm up and Braxton was like sure and then he started coaching him? Because what happened Braxton had a white belt on oh jeez This kid was a blue belt and he was like telling him this is what you should expect This is what you should do and Braxton was just standing there listening to him and I'm listening to him because Tristan wanted to go over a couple of moves on me and I Was listening to it and I was listening to what Braxton would say and and this kid had no idea That Braxton had a very strong grappling background Plus he had all these people that could give him that information Yeah, and had already given him that information. Yeah, and that person was looking at Braxton and talking to him like it was the like he Braxton gave him space like that he He would he he was like soaking it all in right didn't shut him down. It didn't shut him down and I was thinking What a great way. What a great way to to do that and he the Grabbing Braxton and being like hey, we're good Yeah, I'm gonna take him and Braxton was like, thank you. I didn't know what to do and I was like Wow, I don't have that ability. I would have been like hey Leave me alone. I'm in my own zone, right? We warm up. I see you and then we then what you what do you do? You start following matches? Yeah, right. Yeah start moving around the mats because you're like a trip is up. Okay, Nate is up Okay, this person's up. Okay, this person's up and you start want moving around and then you're in on your team Yeah in your own mindset. You're like gotta get ready gotta get ready. And so I remember right when I seen you going up and As you went out there, I felt I looked I looked at you and it was like man Tyler looks like he is confident I
10:02 Tyler The biggest part of what I was worried about and this being my second competition Yes, not a lot of nerves stand-up game is still very shaky, right? I feel like I played the stand-up game very very good in both my matches. I didn't pull out any W's but I walked off the mat with a experience and a respect for my competitors and The pride of knowing that there was a lot of sorry mom motherfuckers that didn't show up for the mat today that day Yeah, you know, I was trying to hit the 185 weight class I was way low for the 200 weight class which I moved to and there it's it It's gonna sound like a cop-out, but these were some dudes that were they were big, right? I felt like I had my first match. I had a tiger by the tail Couldn't pass my guard Don't generally like to pull guard, but I'm fairly comfortable playing from my back Had a hand in the collar the whole time trying to you know, get a cross choke or something going on This guy was a cop. Yeah, I knew as soon as he put his hand on my throat. This guy's a cop And I wasn't panicked about it at all. I you know, I played defense. He couldn't he wasn't passing guard No, I know I remember watching and being like, you know, you had it it went to the judges He went to the it went it went the full five minutes I walk off the mat and I was it took everything in me to just keep him in my guard yeah, and keep him broken down and
11:33 Danny man, I Am just incredibly honored to have professor in my corner He says the greatest things right?
11:42 Tyler Because I walked off of I mentally broke in my second match mentally my conditioning broke down my desire to be on the mat broke down and eventually I I knew the mental point in which I kind of quit and I just was like I'm gonna let this guy quickly get the tap rather than Fight I felt like I should have put up a bigger fight. I walked off a little bit disappointed like I had disrespected You know, it's maybe that That father figure sure right just this disappointed professor sure But I walked up to him at the end and I just said hey I want you to know how proud I am to have your name in the Park City jujitsu name on my On you on my back and I really appreciate you being in my corner like having somebody like that in your corner That's encouraging And you know, he complimented how coachable I was which is huge like listening to your coach and you know Trying to execute what his expertise is is is telling you to do while you're doing it is really hard in the fray of a fight sure I Believe my jujitsu was every bit as good It's the gentleman that I was competing against I would agree the size became
12:56 Danny The second guy for sure the second guy I was like man Tyler he was huge yes He was huge. Yeah, he was when I went when I watched it I was like man, I would be a little intimidating a little intimidating standing out there shaking his hand be like oh man I gotta get a hold of you right away, right and not let anything happen to me because what's your number one job?
13:19 Tyler keep myself safe keep yourself right and that's why ultimately I pulled guard and And Executed you know my my guard pole flawlessly and Unfortunately, I was just so gassed he did he was able to pass and he got to mount and at that point They reset us and I stood up and I was like I gotta go back down and this heavy this heavy guys gotta get back on top of me and I started getting the feelings of claustrophobia and like Normally, I'm pretty good with that, but I had at that point three minutes left almost four Just need a clock and yeah, and I'm just kind of like can I breathe through this I'm you know breathing as heavy as I can and I broke down and I let him I let him tap me and
14:03 Danny I don't know if you let him tap him, but or let's let's let's sure Let's be honest about it. It definitely is a fight and you feel like a fight and sometimes it's like man I want to get out of this fight. Yeah, yeah, and so getting out of the fight is not like Until you compete you you do not understand what those emotions go through and One thing that I would like for both of us to do is compete a little bit more since we are competitors Yeah in that instance so that we get that feeling out of out of us of like where we Feel like we let somebody down or we make excuses of what happened like the guy the guy needed to do his job You needed to do your job. We talked about that in the live Both people have a job to do and when both people do their job Nobody's gonna win nobody's gonna lose but but because of the the competition side of it somebody gets their hand raised I Watched your first first match Trip myself and Braxton just like I thought we're gonna fight about the same all the same time everybody Man Tristan is Dude he Will give big shout out to Tristan he he he set a precedence for himself and We're trying to work around his schedule to see what we can do next to challenging him But man he he put on a show Yeah But he competes on a regular basis and he's competed since he was four years old in that environment of pressure right and there was guys that were gunning for him and they had game plans to beat him and we laughed about The one guy that he beat in seven seconds because It was it was all mental. It was there was no the Tristan was like that. I didn't really have right I didn't really have a tight grip, but it was tight and he was like the dude was like
15:54 Tyler Seven seconds he beat that guy in seven when I asked him I was like how you feeling he goes Oh, man, just another day in the office and I'm like, could you imagine? I want that I want that a little bit and and you know Props to him because he I think he saw me walk off the mat upset he did and you know He came up to me and he's like, you know, hey you showed up you showed up and I was like, yeah I took a few minutes to just catch my breath regain my composure and
16:20 Danny You know, he has great advice competition day. Yes for a 19 year old. Yeah, he has really good competition day advice Braxton fought really well fought some guys that had done jujitsu. Yeah for a bit. They were white belts He did three classes. Yeah competed. Yeah, I'm so proud of him man He's so proud of him and and you know, like everybody like that came up to us We're like man, we can see that like Braxton is a competitor. Yeah, he Wants to win. Yeah, and he will do whatever it takes to win and he gets you like pumped up to like cheer for him and That's the kind of like Environment that you and I are lucky to be around with that professor other competitors that were there So my fights I fought the same guy three times won the first one. It was a tough. It was a tough match I felt like I was in the game the whole time. I felt like I was calm. I was ready to go Originally they told us hey we're running behind so that was gonna be the only fight was just that one and then I won so I kind of like Lulled into thinking that was true. I shouldn't have went back to coaching then they said hey I think you're up soon and I was like, I'm gonna fight. Yeah, I have to fight again and I'm like man I gotta get going. Okay, I gotta get my mind back. It was too I Went out there. I knew what my game plan was gonna be but I was a little late on a couple things He caught me in an e-bar A couple things he caught me in an e-bar. Mm-hmm. Shout out to him. Our body styles were so opposite Yeah, yeah, it's really tall and long I'm really short and not long and so our body styles were different So I knew that would play well for me. But also if he took it some advantage it would play well for him, right? so then That was it. And then they said okay, you guys are done and I was like, well, we can't be done because one one one He won one and they didn't have us on the bracket. They were done and I'm like, well, I don't know what's going on so I went back to coaching my mind completely turned off from fighting and Then when I went and talked to the tournament director They said oh they had it wrong. They had him winning the first one winning the second one But then since I won the first one they wanted to put his tiebreaker And I was not ready. Yeah got my mind right felt like I was ready to go and You know just body style body he caught me and shout out to him. I'm not a good. I'm not a good loser. I Wish I was better at it. I wish I could get better at it. I tried really hard I tell myself going into the fights like okay if you lose just shake his hand don't have any negative feelings Go out there lose and then I'm like, I don't want nothing to do with I don't want to shake your hand I don't want to shake your coach's hand. I don't want you to ask me what's wrong. I don't want to talk I don't want to get my medal. Yeah, Misty's like what kind of example are you setting for the boys? Yeah, and I'm like, well second place is the first loser, right and she's like knock it off That's not true. You went out there and you and she talks me off the ledge, right and my boys were like They were so excited Trip, of course double gold Braxton was one away from meddling. I took silver Took bronze bronze bronze. Yeah, we metal and I think that we're I think that As we went back to the so I went back to training Then I went back Sunday and I Asked a couple questions to kind of figure out some things and then subsequently since then it Opened up so many holes in my game. Yeah that I've asked some really detailed questions of professor and Nick Yeah, and they both kind of like sat me down One they wanted to make sure that I understood that like Me losing is not a reflection of like the fact that I let the Academy down because I do I think the same thing
20:20 Tyler Same way. I'm the same thing. Yeah, I I think that is, you know It comes from like the starving starving father figure they needed to to satisfy It's interesting because as we do as we break into vulnerability today We're gonna talk about like the strain of being vulnerable that can be in your your men-to-men relationships
20:42 Danny Yeah, be it be it so vulnerability If you look at just the definition of it, yeah, it's like up don't read it. Yeah, that's that
20:50 Tyler Yeah, so I I just pulled on because I'm like man. This is such a it's such an interesting topic It's kind of a buzzword vulnerability refers to the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed either physically Or emotionally a window of vulnerability is a time within which defensive measures are diminished or compromised or even lacking Yeah And I just keep thinking like okay, so there are Times in our lives as men that we are called upon to be vulnerable for sure And sometimes when we are in those states the worst part of our core beliefs can flare up for sure, you know Overhungry we're lonely. We're tired they say in substance reviews like abuse circles that like
21:38 Danny This is when some of our darkest shadows can kind of come out. It's when you're at your most your your your most Where you're at and we use the word vulnerable, but it's because you're like so exposed right all of your like Emotions so if you had all of these emotions like, you know, we have our emotion will that we look at over there And we have the wheel with the colors But if we drew it on our chest and we took like opened it that's what it would look like yes, it would be like here I am and
22:12 Tyler Here's everything that I have and I don't feel like I can defend it, right? And it's like it's that it's exactly that our beliefs will often show up in our behaviors and in those times, right? Right now when we're on our way when we're when we're being steered towards a disaster You know, there is a way to detect What those what those beliefs are? and And so when we're talking about being vulnerable and what vulnerability really means it means understanding What what those areas of us that need to be addressed? right understanding what your mind is trying to accomplish in short term or long term relationships or In situations, right? Is it is it acting in a way to keep me safe? Am I working from fight or flight? Mm-hmm. I read a quote and I've got a couple from Connor Beeson
23:03 Danny Men's work if you don't follow the account great book a great book. You bought that for me. Thank you so much I shared it with Braxton already and it's and I love like sharing those books with people because I'm great book
23:14 Tyler I think we need to we're gonna we're gonna put this on the the website lost boys cast website I think in August we'll start that as our Book of the month book club. So if you want to join the book club and get a little bit deeper, it's free We're gonna try to meet on the 18th and the 25th check the website where we'll have those those details But then we'll just have a zoom call where we discuss the book a little bit in about it You know an hour's time we'll do it twice and and kind of read it read it with you and just kind of build build community But Yeah, like we are really we expose ourselves. What is our what is our what are we trying to accomplish? Are we trying to accomplish safety? Are we trying to accomplish stability? Are we what kind of satisfaction this can show up in our intimate relationships as well, right? So how do we learn we study our our personal history and the sources and forces that shape how we make those choices, right? Oftentimes we'll call this shadow work Dealing with our shadows because those are the things that are exposing becoming exposed when we are vulnerable And then you know in those romantic relationships, are we placing fit before form? Man think about that. Are we driving from a biological need to choose attractiveness in a partner or are we choosing somebody that's emotionally available? Yeah And then how does that vulnerability in those intimate relationships? how does it shape the relationship and impact the relationship because to be honest there are some times when when it's a man-to-man relationship where Vulnerability ain't coming out. It's not no you have to protect it
24:50 Danny You have to protect it because that thing aside and you have to be like, hey, man I'm not being vulnerable right now and it may show up as aggressiveness It may show up as aggressiveness because what you're doing is protecting Your innards, right? Right. I'm not showing you my belly, right? I'm not I'm not being vulnerable But what's happening you are being vulnerable? Yeah, you are you are being vulnerable and it is it's it's a very
25:16 Tyler It's a very scary word and the line gets blurred with our fathers, right? Because our fathers are supposed to be a safe space where we can be vulnerable sure and and oftentimes In in, you know traditional man man up like society We're our fathers aren't allowing us to be vulnerable sure right I'm having this issue where I'm doing this our you know Father is coming out, you know rather than you know dad or or another version of your father and he's acting from his own emotional wounding or Something to that effect and it can really blur the line and teach us when and when not to be safe and more often than that We're finding that men are not becoming Vulnerable they are falling into toxic some toxic traits Yeah, but it's really this interesting blind dichotomy right right now. So right because you know, we've got kind of this idea that oh if we're just more vulnerable then
26:17 Danny We are you know, we're safe. We're doing the work. Yeah. Yeah. Well vulnerability is such a like You can use it in any aspect of your life We were we were vulnerable when we put ourselves out there for competition knowing that we are fighting another man similar statutes similar Beliefs similar, you know, you're like, okay, you're doing you I'm talking to you. You're talking to you too. We're the same size We're gonna meet see who's more Who's you just who's better? Yeah, so we put ourselves out there. That's vulnerability. Absolutely The fact that we have an audience watching yeah vulnerability, yeah the fact that we have a crowd and outside of that family friends and Because you and I we put ourselves out there on the podcast. We put ourselves out there in social media and We are in our own mind celebrities, right? That's being vulnerable you get yourself out there because you're thinking well, what is this person thinking? What is what's gonna happen? How am I gonna defend this how am I gonna defend that if you break that down to a young man who is Coming into his own and he doesn't understand that it's okay In certain aspects to be vulnerable and then okay, let's address those emotions Let's figure out those emotions and let's let's handle those emotions, right? That young man is not gonna put himself out there very often And in in this society in the way that we're going now They are told to be very scared of what they put out there and how they portray themselves, right? If you portray yourself as too much of an aggressive on David Goggins I get up every morning body body body then people tease you Man, if you if you portray yourself in what what society wants to see a very subservient man
28:11 Tyler Then you're also teased about the fact that you're like you have different qualities that are not manly So how do you how do you navigate being vulnerable? Right? Yeah, I think I think it comes down to knowing It's about knowing you have some this is to steal a line from Jordan Peterson some competence Sure have some competence in this world, right? We allowed ourselves to be vulnerable because we both have confidence in The the levels that we are we are competing at right? I know that my jiu-jitsu is as good as as those other You know white belts if we trained in the same academy, you know We would probably have opportunities where we are learning from each other and tapping each other back and forth with the the guys that we're competing again Against and that's why we go compete right so we can take that confidence to the next level And life is a competition a hundred percent it is right there's always gonna be a man that's gonna challenge you or or take what you have because he can and
29:13 Danny When do you decide that? Okay now? Gonna hide the vulnerability right and now I need to be a little bit more assertive right assertive and look you in the eyes Look at you in your in your eyes and be like no no, I'm not that guy I think I'm not I'm not I'm not vulnerable to the point where you can
29:33 Tyler Can handle me that way right and I think it's it speaks to the truth of men needing other men to do to be and I mean you look at the the you go back to the stories from crazy horse and Some of the other stories we reviewed earlier another podcast and you see these men had war tribes, right? They had war councils and they probably at certain times express some level of vulnerability. Should we attack this person? Do we have the numbers? What are the consequences of the attack? Right and so in a tighter circle in a safety circle They are able to to share and have these kind of conversations and we don't Necessarily have that anymore in kind of the concept of the stoic man the stoic man is supposed to be You know living in a cabin in the woods, right? Like it doesn't really he doesn't really you know need help He doesn't need help and that's and that is the man up right? That's the man up. That's the cowboy up You know
30:28 Danny And there are moments in your life as a young man or as a man where you need to To have some very masculine qualities In that moment you have to make a decision to stand up for yourself To to look at those vulnerabilities and be like, okay, I've addressed them. I've looked at them. I know what they are and Still I'm okay. Well, I'm okay with who I am. Yeah, I'm good with who I am and I went out there I showed who I was We went out there in the competition and we we showed that our level of jiu-jitsu is right there on par with you Maybe our level of competition or you know fitness or we had mine. Oh, yeah different but We definitely went out there and we're like we're gonna challenge ourselves Every day to be better men but not Society's version of men. Yes, we're going to have a blend of of We believe in a higher power
31:32 Tyler We do we believe in a higher power and I'm just gonna real briefly pause you there and apologize for the extra background noise in The studio tonight. It's 900 degrees and there's no air conditioning in this hundred-year-old house up here So we got the windows open we're getting a little background
31:47 Danny Somebody out there showing their vulnerability Yeah, yeah, yeah now we we we have to we have to be able to show a blend of of what what what a masculine man looks like because for our younger listeners what we're trying to develop is It's okay to have these like scary scary thoughts. It's okay to have these vulnerabilities It's okay to every once in a while show your show your emotions in the right circle
32:21 Tyler Yes, and to build a group to build a group where you can share safely Yep, whether that's in your your sport team of choice whether that's getting on You know the jujitsu mats or or something to that effect get You know build that group build it. Yeah, the dichotomy changes when we introduce Intimate relationships, I think sure I'm gonna read another another quote from from Connor Beeson's book men's work just because He he lines it up pretty well He says when a woman says that she wants you to open up or be more vulnerable What she is saying is that she wants you to know That what that you are aware of your own internal experience and capable of regulating your emotional states She wants to be able to validate that you are in some way dealing with the stress the pressure the chaos the job the finances The kids whatever is taking place or you may have on your plate Yeah, so so she wants you to open up and and I think in your intimate relationships when they reach a certain level That you will be completely vulnerable With with that person as you suss out as you go and kind of go through the courtship process The process that vulnerability should open up a little bit more and a little bit more but ultimately at the end of the day She's looking for you to have the self leadership leader Yep and and so you go to the you go to the question and that we sometimes often when we hear the vulnerabilities of our partner from a female perspective she may be coming to you and saying Blah blah blah blah blah, you know, I'm having this and this going on and our instinct is to say let's fix it. But really We need to hold space and say do you want me to fix it or do you just want to vent and because nine times out of ten You know your partner is gonna be there to help you fix it. Sure, but she wants to know you have the self leadership the the The cojones the whatever to go out and self lead and that you're addressing these things. Yeah but you're not scared to share with her and open up and and to to Truly connect because I believe when you you know, you shed that that that skeleton you are you are opening yourself up for a deeper
34:39 Danny More intimate connection with your partner. I mean see I go through this a lot In my own personal relationship I'm not the best at showing emotions. I'm not the best at talking. I'm not the best at I Can listen but I in our story in my story, I'm a hero. Yeah, right. I'm the hero I'm I'm the I'm the Savior. I'm the guy that can fix it. I'm the guy that like, okay, this is the problem Let's fix it But I'm not the best at like telling her when I'm when something is wrong with me like let's say something triggers me a big one would be my dad when things are going on with my dad or let's say I haven't talked to my dad in a little while and I Hear my brothers and sisters talking about they tell their stories about hanging out with my dad and next thing I know I'm kind of grumpy and misty's like it's everything. Okay. Yeah, and I'm like, yep. Yeah, everything's okay Why because I don't want to show my emotions. I don't want to be vulnerable What we've worked on is she'll say is something going on that bothered you Did you did you have a motion? Did you have a situation that bothered you now? I know That I don't have to put up a guard because I can say yes This bothered me and this is what bothered me and I will tell her What what happened and it could be? Six seven months. It could be a year prior to this I mean I could hold on to I'm really good at holding on to my emotions for a while Not that not that I not that it just everyone so it's like a boiling pot Okay, keep it under wraps. Keep it under wraps comes up keeps it and it could be a little while back that this happened She'll talk about it. She'll help me Process the information about like why I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling about my dad and then I'm able to move on and
36:38 Tyler Find some solace in the fact that like I was I Got through those emotions. Yeah, so you need you need the opportunity to to share sure share and to me Perhaps even get some of some some good reflection back So you can get out from behind your own eyes from behind your own mind, right and and And and solve the problem on your own and so going back inside and addressing Okay What is this really raising in me now that I've been able to just kind of share it and think about it and my partner Has held space and perhaps done some good reflective questioning back to me I can go back and I can handle it and that will change the next time for sure you Address that whereas I believe one of my toxic traits perf Previous in a previous life in a previous version of Tyler was definitely the fixer, right? I grew up with a mom whom I felt like I needed to Oftentimes fix her she was constantly In a state where I felt like as a man I needed to man up and help fix her and I carried that same Principle into my first marriage right and I was rather than asking the question. Do you need me to Listen to you. So you can vent or do you need me to offer solutions? I would just go right into well, let's do this Why don't you do this? Why don't you do this? Yeah, and I You know, I kind of You know, I would I would kill my cute little pet. I think of Chris Farley His little thing. It's like his little sail and he just I just love you so much Yeah, yeah, we're of mice and men where yeah Larry's petting the rabbits until they he snaps their neck and and and unfortunately I didn't have the emotional intelligence as to What is my partner's vulnerability triggering or triggering in me? And how do I regulate my? My nervous system and my emotional intelligence around what I'm hearing sure
38:36 Danny Yeah, yeah, like what it and this is just again this is for our listeners to understand that like as and as men Because we're supposed to be stoic and worse because we're supposed to be these giant figures when you have these emotions and when you have these these things going on I Personally would not share those with everybody because not everybody's cheering for you No Not everybody has like Jordan Peter says you want to share like own share your great stuff with the people that are cheering the hardest for you, but not everybody is looking to see those vulnerabilities as a sign of Power right some people see them as a sign of weakness Oh, yeah, and they will like hundred percent exploit them you better and you and and you better be careful But man if you're not learning as a man to be vulnerable with certain people Then what's happening is you're learning to mask the pseudo self and now you're in that fight club
39:44 Tyler Who are you? Are you Tyler? Are you the narrator? Are you the narrator? Yeah, no, I it's a it's a hundred percent true And it comes down to you know, your woman wants to see that you have competence, right? Competence right right. She's willing to listen. She wants to hear you open up to her and more importantly, you know, she wants to see that you have the capability to to lead yourself out of
40:12 Danny out of it of the struggles and and while our Number like we want battles. Mm-hmm. We want to fight we as men. We want to fight We want to test ourselves. We want to test ourselves We want to know the metal that we're made of but we also want to find that mare maiden You save we that is a real thing that you are as a young man as a man You are going to find that you have those emotions of like saving Helping being there this stoic figure Robin Hood, you know or The guy from Braveheart. I can't remember William Wallace. Yeah, Wallace. Yeah
40:53 Tyler So as we as we recap and we kind of close close down the the the topic of vulnerability for the evening Let's let's just talk about like what do we need to do to ensure that we were being? the right kind of vulnerable Men, I think the first thing is understand What your possible triggers may be as you open up to that in that open up that to that vulnerability because we're Vulnerable to the wrong in the wrong situations the wrong people We expose we expose those and if you don't address those shadows They will come back like like an addiction, right they'll come back and they'll they'll
41:33 Danny They will betray you they will they'll be there boundaries boundaries boundaries and and we're going to discuss boundaries and how as a man set up boundaries, but boundaries initially should be To to create those boundaries and be safe in those boundaries because if you are not safe in your boundaries triggers will happen and you will not realize that it's happening and you are just Fighting off all these advances fighting off all these advances because they're triggering setting boundaries boundaries
42:06 Tyler boundaries be safe with them be so that is being vulnerable with the right people people That's right people and and and boundaries for me are always going to be bridges that build connection Sure, and we will do a whole episode on boundaries because they're this is such an important topic in there Yeah, so, you know when we talk about being vulnerable with your intimate partners You're almost always going to need to do it But at the end of the day you have to show some level of self leadership sure right ask the question Do you want me to provide solutions or do you want me to just listen to you vent? Yep Because I think that's important to to connect especially as
42:47 Danny You know your vulnerable vulnerable people can can trigger those those kind of shadows to come up and now you're and now both people are just Vibing off of each other, but they don't really they're buzzing right, but they don't really know why they're buzzing and next thing You know, it's kind of a toxic. Yeah situation. Oh, yeah, when you see those toxic situations, you'll know you'll understand when you are Trying to save something or someone Be very careful of overextending yourself too much to where all you're doing is just Being a total hero. Yeah, man as a man You can't be a hero every day, right? You're going to be vulnerable some days where you just emotions are Your emotional will is pointed To the dark side and can't can't save today. Yeah, and if you're in your relationships aren't safe It's gonna seem like you're an asshole. Yeah, and people are gonna take you as an asshole, right? That's just not the way it is. We're men. Mm-hmm. And sometimes we're off. We're we're we're off. We have emotions and My second my last thing would be is if you show some vulnerability and Somebody takes advantage of it. Be very careful of how you handle it, right? Don't just react don't don't be that person that's the The the I can't think of the name of it but when you're driving down the road and the road rage person, oh, yeah, yeah, and all of a sudden you've you've exploded and You don't know why you're exploding but it's because your emotions have gotten the best of you. Don't be that guy Yeah, it's like that's just an explosive device, right?
44:37 Tyler Be careful actions are the true language of the brain, right? The brain floods us with thoughts and feelings and all kinds of crazy stuff But really action is the is the true language and people's actions will often more often than not
44:50 Danny Show you exactly who they are. Yeah, right. They speak louder than words for a reason. They do. Yeah, we We love you guys. Yeah, we're super appreciative of you listening to us We went live like Tyler talked about at the very beginning We're gonna do a little bit more live because we like that that little that little platform it was cool
45:09 Tyler Yeah, super inspired by another group out there doing it and I thought it was just a great way to connect and If you're not following us on social media, Danny, how do they find you?
45:20 Danny compassionate underscore gentlemen, and I'm on Instagram Facebook If you you know me you guys want to come to Park City Jiu-Jitsu
45:30 Tyler Find me ask for Danny. Yeah, welcome to how about you? Yeah, same thing lost Boy Scouts. We got our website We're currently in the middle of revamping it. We're opening up some new spots to do some one-on-one training We've got our point of origin course that is getting built as we speak cool. It's this is gonna be a 12 month intensive Program that includes 12 live coaching sessions. It includes a reading list You know if you are exiting a Major faith or going through a faith crisis or a relationship change It's going to be geared towards finding yourself and rebuilding your container Super excited to be launching it Here on our website and then of course same thing I'm traveling the rest of this month, but I will usually be able to be found in the gym I've got some I got some studying to do for my tests. Yeah, I'm sure it's coming up. I am excited for that
46:23 Danny Yeah open max come check us out. Yep Sundays 11 o'clock Yeah, come and hang out with us like give us some input Let us know what you let you let us know what you want if you're looking for a group of men if you're looking for something to If you're just looking for anything that you need in your life Reach out to us reach out to us. We'll we'll answer questions We may not have all of the answers, but we can always help you find more questions
46:56 Tyler Yeah Absolutely, and we'll catch you in August. There's a
