Lost Boy Scouts Podcast

Welcome to the last Boy Scouts podcast. We're

your hosts. I'm Danny and I'm Tyler. How

are we doing tonight? Oh, we're on one. We're

good, huh? Yeah, man. We had such a good

day. Um, we met at the sauna earlier and

had a really good sauna session because what

we're going to talk about today gave us a

little bit of anxiety, a little bit of frustration

and a lot of like, what do we want to cover?

Yeah. First things first, let's, um, let's

recap the father, the father.

Great. Ah, I loved it. I actually got a text

from my dad. Yeah. We got technical hiccups,

right? Like that's the, what's the white,

that's the white belt in this. Yeah. Yeah.

We're still figuring it out. We're changing

softwares. Like if any of you want to volunteer

to edit this for us, like it pays nothing,

but we'd be happy to come help us out because

we, uh, we're on a mission from God. Always.

Yeah. We're on a mission from God. That was

one of my favorite movies growing up.

And I really liked it too. Tyler does a lot

of the editing. We schedule it to be released.

And once it's released, I listen to it. And

this time, it wasn't all the way downloaded.

So I had to call Tyler really fast. And that

happens. And we accept that with what we're

doing. And It was just one of those things

because we had worlds. We talked about that

on The Father. We had the foundation for

the 1033rd thing coming up, and it was taking

a lot of my brain power to go through that.

We ended up doing the- It was a great event,

man.

It was so fun.

The bands were amazing. Yeah. The prizes.

Matthew and The Hope. The Hope. Matthew and

The Hope.

I definitely had hope after.

Here's a funny thing. The Hope Girl, when

I listened to their music, I wanted to listen

to them. She gives a really good background

vocals for what he does because he's really,

really good. He plays a bunch of instruments

and it's just him. Apparently, he fired her

and she's not there anymore. The hope is

not there anymore. Poor hope. We had open

mat, we had more black belts on the mat than

I can remember for an open mat. It was really

cool. We had some friends there that were

training. Uh, happy hamburgers, just so we're

clear. I finally had one. I've tasted the

hype. And like we talked about on the father,

um, how good can a hamburger be? How, how

good can a hamburger be? Oh my gosh. As soon

as I was kind of a little bit flustered by

some things, just by the event.

The event was like, yeah. You were deep in

running it.

The honeypots weren't delivered on time,

which is the point. And by honeypot, yeah,

port-a-potty. They weren't delivered on time.

And I was flustered by it, and got me a hamburger,

and took a bite. And everybody around said,

I could tell on your face that it changed

the entire night. They're the best hamburger.

I wish I would have stayed around then because

I, uh, I, I brought cozy with me and I told

her that, Hey, we're going to roll. We're

going to try. I was hoping it would be a

bigger event and there'd be other kids and

like, you know, whatever. Um, the event went

off great. Do we know how much money they

raised?

So we raised just under $2,000 in the cash

from the event itself. Plus we had, um, other

donors and donations that donated to the

event. And so we'll find out its full total.

I meet with, I'm going to mess up his name.

I think his name is Chris from the 1033rd.

I meet with him tomorrow and him and I are

going to exchange the money. And, um, he

was, he was so stoked. He was so excited.

Yeah, it was kind of everything. Yeah, no,

he was excited. I know, uh, services, goods

and or service. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, uh,

we, um, so just so we're clear what we want

to like make sure we tell everybody what

we're going to talk about this episode if

you have your children listen to the episodes

if you because we do have some younger audience

members Listen to it.

Listen to it first. Or yeah, listen to it

first, make sure it's appropriate. But I

think at the end of the day, these are conversations

we need to have. We need to start these conversations.

You know, obviously I grew up Mormon. Inside

of the Mormon culture, the concept, and just

to dive into it, we're going to cover boys

and sex. And the idea comes from Peggy Orenstein's

New York Times bestseller, Boys and Sex,

which we both read. If you haven't picked

up the book or the Audible or anything of

it, it's well worth a listen. It's well worth

it. Just so you know, Peggy Orenstein, and

I apologize if I'm butchering the name, New

York Times bestseller, author of Don't Call

Me Princess, Girls and Sex, Cinderella Ate

My Daughter. She's out there doing the work,

investigative reporting. She writes for The

New Yorker. She's had a TED Talk, New York

Times, The Atlantic. She's a published author,

and she really did her research. The book

spoke to both of us, and I think that's why

we had to have this conversation today. It

did.

Tyler told me about the book. I read the

book and I called Tyler because I was like,

holy moly. It resonated with me a lot because

of my own personal experiences and also how

I approach these conversations with my sons.

And with other boys and other men, because

so what she does is she wrote the girls in

sex, and then she went on a book tour. And

at the book tour, all these parents would

come up to her and say, well, what about

the boys? What about the boys? And she said,

well, I've never thought about that. I'm

a woman. And my organs only give me Yeah,

yeah. And what ended up happening is these

boys started opening up to her and she did

go down the rabbit hole with them. And what

she originally says is she wasn't sure that

the boys would be open with her. and that

they would be truthful and give her the full

information that she was looking for.

That's so true. How much shame and guilt?

I went on this diatribe, and I introduced

Peggy, and I forgot to conclude the diatribe.

But how much shame and guilt is encapsulated.

And if it's not shame and guilt on one end,

it's like the locker room slash bragging,

like lying about what you've accomplished

notches on your bedpost that you're bragging

about. And comfortableness.

Comfortableness talking about it. Um, I know

personally, and Tyler and I talked about

this earlier, like personally, I spoke from

a very young age to my, to my boys about

certain things involved with sex and involved

with their responsibilities, their job as

boys and men, when it comes down to that

conversation and what their roles are there.

And both my kids, whenever I would talk to

them, they would get that weird, uncomfortable,

Oh, this is so uncomfortable. But I say,

listen, we're having this conversation. And

how often are you talking about it openly,

openly with your children? Not how we grew

up, not like our generation. Yeah. Tyler

and I are both in the our 40s. And our generation

did not grow up with an internet. No, we

grew up. We had dial up. We had dial up.

Yeah. If you consider it. Yeah.

I mean, yes, we had access to information,

but you really had to wait for it.

And we still had magazines. Yeah. And how

often, just myself, I don't understand a

lot of the things that my own children are

going through that I would have to not go

do research where I'm doing research like

I shouldn't be doing research. But you do

research and you're like,

Is this really what you're looking at? Right?

Yeah, well, I mean, that's the thing. Like,

where is it available, right? And in the

Mormon culture, it's very taboo. In fact,

the concept of sex outside of marriage is

equal to murder. Right. Isn't that weird?

It's murder. And now I can look back on it,

and I have a philosophy around sex and creation

that I'm like, I understand that. But my

15-year-old, 14-year-old, 12-year-old, that

brain doesn't comprehend that. And so when

you don't talk about it, where do you go?

Where do you go? Where do you go? And she

does such a good job with each chapter building

onto its next. She goes down some, she talks

about some things that I didn't personally

have experience with, but I could understand.

Had I read this book prior to, both my boys

are over 18, so whatever they've learned

and however they've learned has already kind

of been processed, and I think I did a good

job with them. I think I helped them in certain

scenarios, but what I tell them is, is remember,

like, what they're going through with this

whole role, consent, porn, Oh man, so many

different things that you can dive down.

She does a really good job of breaking down

each chapter. So once I read it, it even

opened my mind up to how now I can speak

to my boys even a little bit further more,

um, along the topics that she brought up.

She brought up some really, really good stuff.

And the way she starts the book, start, start

you down the path. But what happens is it

almost makes you go inside of how unskilled

and no knowledge we had as young men, like

that I had as young men. No.

And when you think about the concept of sex

as a as a function of humanity, right? It

is tied to our, like the vagus nerve, you

know, I'm not going to get into all the nervous

system, but like it's literally your penis

is tied to all of the nerves, the central

nervous system of your body, right? Like

it is a core function of our survival. So,

it's tied into that same fight or flight

concept, right? Like, when you talk about

this big important thing, or you neglect

to talk about it, it's so controlling. It's

just like, it's so controlling. Who is it,

Robin Williams that said, God gave man a

brain and a penis and only enough blood to

run? One of the other. One of the other,

right? Like, God bless Robin Williams. But

like, that's true. Like, when we start thinking

from that, that is when really we see toxic

masculinity, right? When we start thinking

with our penis only, right? And the dopamine

and serotonin and all that shit that comes

with releasing that shit.

Yeah.

It, it does become an uncontrollable part

of your life when you are only thinking with

one or the other. Because we just don't know.

We don't know. And if we're not open up with

our children, whether you have boys or girls,

if you're not open up with them, if you don't

start at a young age and explain to them

their jobs, then what happens is They're

going to learn. They're going to learn. And

are they learning the way or the lessons

that you want them to learn? And so when

you read the book and you start down the

path, first thing that you do, first thing

that I did was start to look at my own life.

And man, I struggled.

That self-reflection, that self-awareness.

One, I think self-awareness is one of our

greatest underrated currencies that we have.

Because to be honest, the first thing that

I did is I'm driving along with my 14-year-old

son, and I'm like, hey, Ben, I don't know

how to have this conversation, but penis

and vagina. We're just going to start there.

I can honestly, I remember one conversation

about sex with my dad. Really? And as an

unfortunate was, it was after he found some

condoms in my room, which I had shoplifted

because I was curious, right? Because that's

what curious, you know, kids do is they explore.

And when you have the age of information,

you know, the information that rises to the

surface, like the cream, that's what gets

consumed, whether it be pornography, whether

it be shitty locker room talk, whether it

be, you know, whatever it is, right? Instagram,

Snapchat, Only fans girls or whatever it

is that shit that rises the top.

That's what they're gonna consume and that's

what it's going to teach them about their

selves, and so they're going to mimic and

mirror what they see, right? Same. My first

experience with anything was I found a Playboy

stash of my uncle's, and I remember seeing

that and thinking, oh yeah, this is where

it's at. This is the coolest, this is the

coolest thing I've ever found. Which Playboy?

Can I ask which Playboy? I don't even remember.

And the only reason I bring that up is because

my grandfather, we were moving them out of

Northridge, California after the 97 earthquake.

And it's 97, it was probably 98, 99. I found

a stash of Playboys in my grandfather's storage

unit. And this was a man who was like star

basketball player at BYU. Recruited to the

Knicks, like, and you know what, like, it

is, it is what it is.

But this guy, even that, even that in his

serum, they are, they didn't know that.

We couldn't talk about it. That was the thing

that I took from the book more than anything.

Men, boys, whatever you want to call our,

our, we, we're not, we're not allowed to

talk about it.

And we're not built, we're not. And when

we do talk about it, it's very like braggadocious.

Yes. And you go and you're like, Oh, guess

what I did was so yeah, and I and I and you

read these stories. And you want to you want

to like, that's how you think your experiences

are supposed to go, right? So the first thing

I told my kids, the very first thing, when

I went not not after the book, but when I

when they were young was Remember your job.

Remember your job. Girls are not your play

toys. They're not. They're not your play

toys. They're not for you to just say whatever

you need to do to do whatever you want to

do.

Yeah, and in a world where we appease the

central nervous system in the sense that

when we're numbing, we're partying, when

we're drinking, we're fucking with that central

vein down our whole enlightened body, right?

You know, they can become right like that

could be the that could be the toy. Yeah,

like it can be our brain can When we start

talking about porn when we what you watch

on screen the faking and yeah You know the

drugs and nobody talks about after the porn

stops, right? right, like right like how

toxic it is and these are just people that

are just trying to make money and it's like

Porn is to life as to what WWF was. It's

true. It's fake.

It's so fake. It's fake. And I knew from

an early age that I wanted to talk to my

kids about porn because I was always worried

about the addiction to porn that can happen.

I've known and I've always said to myself,

when you watch porn, it's so fake. I've always

had the two things that always come in my

mind. The two things that were told to me

is, when you watch porn, your penis gets

smaller, and that no girl is having fun doing

whatever they're doing. And then the funny

thing is, is when you look at it, and I've

always thought about that, but no guy is

having fun doing what they're doing. They're

just doing it as a movie. They're just doing

it for entertainment and they're just acting.

Did you ever see Orgasmo?

Yes. The funniest thing in the world.

So funny. I was I remember I remember ditching

priest quorum to see that movie. Yeah It

was about a Mormon missionary who wants to

pay for his temple wedding I mean, there

was so much there was so much wrong, but

at the same time so much so much real.

Yeah Growning up in Utah. It just touched

when we because he grew up in Utah, you know

certain things about so I Personally wasn't

raised Mormon. I was raised Catholic, but

even the Catholic I um religion has so many

funny things right like birth control birth

control birth control what you know that

the priest is not allowed to do right everybody

else does they're supposed to remain celibate

and in my mind i'm like this is no way are

you ever going to be a priest right are you

convinced that guy

to be a priest. That is that I mean that

there's I'm I'm searching up for some some

quotes because I remember like, remember,

like, we're doing all the things that the,

you know, like, our God has told us that

like, who created us has made our bodies

create us like, but he was, he stopped, we're

not supposed to do that, right? Like God

created us, but like, you can't do that and

do that stuff, right?

Even though it's supposed, even though like,

yeah, like we talked about is, you know,

we know, what it's there for, we know these

things. And like I said, when I talked to

my boys about it, I was really worried about

porn addiction. So I really hit hard with

my kids about porn addiction. About the fact

that everything in there is fake. And to

remember that what you're watching is not

real life.

Well, not to mention when you do watch that,

what are you training your brain to do? You're

training your brain to speed to orgasm. Right?

Because whether in my case, which was shame,

guilt, because you're not supposed to be

watching that stuff, or, you know, in a culture

where porn is less, you know, less frowned

upon, it's maybe more acceptable, more mainstream.

Like when you are doing, you're training

your brain to... That was so funny. The thing

of it is you're training your brain to speed

to orgasm, right?

Yeah, you're right, 100 percent. You're training

your brain to do something that's not, it's

really, it's so hard. Here's where we start

to dive down the first, the porn addictions

and the porn. It's, it is, it is 100%. And

what she says on there is, the guys that

would tell her the truth is, they would have

click tab after tab after tab after tab after

tab after tab. And each in each tab, they

would go down this path until they found

something that they were interested in. But

what happens is, is eventually you become

so delusional and non-sensitive to everything

that you just before you know it you're like

oh i'm going to look at cnn all of a sudden

I'm looking at Pornhub and I'm going down

this rabbit hole.

It's toxic. It is. And there's, you know,

you can listen to Huberman. There's hundreds

of other like scientific studies, but what

you're doing is you're double dosing the

dopamine, right? The dopamine from something

new every click, the dopamine from an orgasm

every time, right? The moral of the story

is that as fathers, we need to start having

these conversations. We need to normalize

this shit. We have to. Because when we don't

normalize this shit, when we don't normalize

having a conversation about sex, it becomes

the locker room talk. And it's taboo. Yeah.

And you're 100% right. We have to normalize

having this conversation because while we

grew up in a world that it wasn't so accessible,

She says the first time that a young man

sees something is probably within their 8

to 10 year old, 8 to 10 years old.

But that's in 2022 terms, right?

Could you imagine what's going to happen

later on? Well, and in Utah, we have this

thing where it's hard to access Pornhub right

now.

Right now, but that's recent. That's within

the last few months. But you know what happens?

I mean, the day of you saw VPN networks,

like, yeah, the way the circumvent is a VPN

network. And you saw that you saw that race.

You know, what's interesting is I remember

growing up in Colorado and, and, um, I remember

my good friend Boose, Boose Murray. Hello,

Boose. Boose, Gary McDonald. This is to you.

His dad, he talked about the biggest porn

shop in Utah was in Evanston, Wyoming. I've

been there. Just across. But it's a thing,

like when you don't talk about it, you repress

it, you know? And as men, we do, we need

this release. We need a release. And until

we can become the higher man and we can channel

that release up into higher portions of our

psyche, you do need that release. It's part

of our natural

Yeah, you know, it's part of the natural

like, and she says that she says that that

that masturbation and that kind of stuff

is normal for you to do. It's normal. It's

normal. But the problem is, is do we explain

that to our children that that is a normal

part of your life? In my case?

No, we shame and guilt it. Yeah, like, dude,

I remember having a bishop that would literally

hide his hands. Could you imagine if we recorded

this podcast? With me, with my hands here.

Awkward. And then, hey, hey. And eye contact.

Yeah, eye contact. And tell me, tell me about,

tell me about, were you above the clothes

or below the clothes? Right, like it was,

it was, it just becomes, it breathes, it's

like a breeding ground, it's a cess, it's

a swamp. Right. It's a fucking swamp. It

is, for sure. And

As that happens, what it does is it clouds

your judgment and it clouds how you see things,

and you feel like you need to hide it. So

what happens? You pass that on. You don't,

as fathers, we don't speak to our children

about those things and explain to them that

It's a normal thing. It's a normal, it's

a normal thing to wake up and have morning

wood. It is, it really is. And it means nothing.

It doesn't mean that you're this weird kid.

It's just that your body, that's how your

testosterone processes things, right? And

she goes into such great detail about that

and how you're supposed to explain it, how

you can talk to your children, how you can

talk to boys about that. Like, you don't

have to just ignore it. No. And you don't

have to make your children feel like they're

wrong for the fact that they walk around

with a hard on.

That's the biggest thing that to me, that

is the biggest thing. Let's eliminate the

shame and guilt on it. Yeah. Let's eliminate

the shame and guilt. Yeah. Just male, female.

Like you want to, you want to put all these

gender roles. You want to put all these,

like, like let's eliminate the shame and

guilt around the very function of what we

are supposed to do as a species, which is

procreate. Procreate. Yeah. Right. Like we

are wired to do it. It's instinctual as it's

instinctual as it is, you know, fighting

or, you know, whatever it is like survival

for sure. It is instinctual.

It is. And, and, and because of the readiness

and the availability of things that can cloud

your own children's judgment, if you can

head that off, by explaining to them and

being open and honest with them about these

experiences that they're going to have, then

you can now start to dictate and direct how

they see things. So that when there's that

locker room talk and that stuff that I've

been guilty of, that I myself tell myself,

don't get involved in that boisterous bullshit

that is just degrading sometimes, or so fake.

It's not real.

It's 100% fake. It's not real. And what's

funny is that I remember this scene from

Little Big Man, which was Dustin Hoffman,

and we would like to talk about Native Americans.

And we're going to bring this back to Native

Americans who, in a sense, when you talk

about tribal cultures, they lived and they

died on just survival. which we don't have

to do anymore. We've introduced all of this

stuff, so we can escape our survival mode.

When we talk about Jordan Peterson, which

was interesting because Peggy actually mentions

that you know, she was not a huge fan of

Jordan. And so, I went into a dive into Jordan

and I'm like, okay, well, how do I reconcile

this? Because I really liked her book and

I do really like Jordan. So, how do I reconcile

this? And so, I went back to the more Native

American cultures. And when we um when we

epitomize certain things right like when

we have agendas we have all those kind of

things and i definitely think that that peggy

has an agenda she may be a little closer

to a feminist whereas like jordan is very

a bible thumper and you know you know so

there i can see positive and negatives of

both right but at the end of the day like

both of them present very very intellectual

facts around um you know the ability of us

to kind of share and control, right? And

help each other. Reign our own – when we

talk about the core of what we need to do,

can you imagine living on the plane? Imagine

this valley, the Utah Valley.

I would imagine it that way too, just to

be clear.

Right like all like I've been stuck in so

much traffic. Yeah Yeah, I'm like imagine

it vacant. Oh, this was a hunting ground

probably for the Ute tribe.

So just so we're clear Just some of my friends

grew up here and I always say I wish I could

see the Heber Valley Through your eyes prior

to what it is now. Yeah. Yeah, and the tribe

thing and and and the fact that like the

the people that are around you help narrate

and dictate how you seen the world. Last

week we talked about framing. Yes. They would

put into how you seen things in a picture

or a way that would help the tribe help thing

further. And so as we go on about that and,

and, and we can take what Peggy says and

what Jordan says, and we can frame it and

be like, There's good things and bad things,

but when we're in that tribe and we want

to be a community and we want to influence

each other, we want to make sure that we

give our children the right information that's

going to help them, not today.

At the end of the day, it comes down to the

bonds, right? Because that's what Jordan

talks about. We all bond around things that

we agree on, whether it be gender issues,

whether it be political issues, we bond around

those things.

Yep. And we want to make sure that as you

go forward and as like our audience and our

friends and our family have these tough conversations,

that you're telling them not only like your

opinion, but like the opinions that you've

gathered from your friends and family that's

going to help the next generation. And that's

why we hit this hard. That's why we talked

about the, especially because we didn't grow

up with the access of porn and the access

of gratification, instant gratification,

social media. Man, any of those dopamine

dumps, dopamine highs and lows,

Our brain is so fucking complex. It is.

And, and, and like, we're just scratching

the surface. We're trying to figure out like,

we didn't, we have to navigate with what

our next generation is going to experience.

And how are they, if they're hiding their

internet address, because that's what they're

supposed to do. That's what they're taught

in as a eighth, ninth, 10th grader. Could

you imagine, like, me and you learning how

to hide our address, hide our internet address,

so we can navigate to find the information

that we need?

In a way, I did it. Right? Like, when you

talk about a Mormon culture where sex, premarital

sex... Is the same thing as, like, murder.

Yeah, right? Like... Crazy. Yeah, you have

to. That's the shame and guilt. That's the

shame and guilt. When your mom walks in on

you masturbating and pulls you into the bishop,

what do you do?

Explain to him your technique.

You might need to because homeboy is not

showing his hands. He's not showing his hands.

Not showing his hands. As we go on and you

can feel how passionate Tyler and I are about

this. is because we grew up in this culture

of we don't know what we don't know, right?

We just don't know what we don't know. And

so as we're passing this on, and when you

read the book, you can really feel how- There's

a data story here. How archaic our life was

growing up because we had zero accountability.

We did not send nudes to each other. I said

this from the very beginning, if I would

have had a camera when I was younger, who

knows what I would have shared.

Yeah, the bowling ball I threw over the overpass

on the highway. Yeah, might have been caught

on camera, but you're right, like, and then

we do stupid shit, right?

We don't understand. And so we have to catch

up. So we have to like, we have to make sure

that we're catching up with our society.

And not like expecting the locker room and

their friends to explain to them What's the

world?

Reality is the locker room is bullshit. It

is. It's bullshit. It is. The locker room

talk, the cat, like, it can still happen,

like, in your talk about it, but it's inflated.

It's it's as fake as porn. Yeah. Right. The

locker room is as fake as porn. And if you're

insecure as a man, because I've definitely

been there, when you're insecure as a man

and somebody's bragging about their shit,

what are you going to make up to catch up

to that?

Instead of like stopping them. And she talks

about that. And Peggy talks about how, like

how as men, we don't even cut each other

off. We don't stop the person from talking

about it. We'll cut each other off.

But like, yeah, we don't.

It's interesting. And you want that. You

want to make sure that what you're giving

is going to carry on. And then what happens

is we have zero understanding of what our

children are going through because what happens

is they now have to learn how to talk about

consent. They have to talk about like, is

this okay? is what I'm doing. Okay. Right.

And each step, because what they've learned

and watched is you don't have consent. You

just take right. Right.

And so, yes, because that is the true tribal

nature. It is like, they talk about chimpanzees,

like chimpanzees will still, even if they've

pushed out another chimpanzee, they'll fuck

each other up. They'll tear each other apart.

Right. But yeah, it's yeah. And then when

you get on that, like when you get on that,

like, You know, pounding your chest. Yeah,

it's hard to stop. Like, at the end of the

day, we're savages.

100% we are savages. And we are we have this

like, ability to take it to the next level.

Right? I know that about myself. I know that

I can take it to the next level. I can I

know that there's certain instances where

I don't have a filter. I've been responsible

for saying and doing things that I shouldn't

say and do and not thinking about the other

person's feelings, right? But our children

navigate in a world where they have to think

about other people's feelings, other people's

ideas, and consent in itself is such a weird

subject and topic. And so if we're just teaching

our children to be savages and to listen

to the locker room talk, no, there is no

consent. I'll just do whatever the fuck I

want to do.

But that's, that's the, that's the juxtaposition

juxtaposition. And the reality is I've been

that man. I've been that man that's played

nice. Yeah. I've been that man that's needed

to be just the fucking savage, a monster.

Yeah. And the reality is, is the true mark

of a man when a girl says no and you stop,

That's it.

You're a fucking man. Yeah. That's it.

That's just, that is the measure of a man.

Yeah. Just stop.

And when you tell your children, if you've

got to go to the bathroom and you know what

I mean? Like you stop. Yeah. And roll your

fucking self.

When we want to tell our, our, our girls,

the, the, the girls in our life, like it's

okay to just be, it's okay that like, it

feels good for a moment, but as soon as it

stops feeling good, it stops feeling good.

And that's it.

Stop it at that moment.

Not on your shit. The last story that she

talks about in that book, where the two people

come together and one person forces, one

person felt force. That is one of the most

powerful stories that you will ever hear

if you can take it in the context that she

wants you to understand it. Because what

happens is that you can sense how each person

feels. And we want you to understand how

passionate we are about this. Tyler and I,

we had a very strong idea about this, this

last set, this last segment, which is consent.

And while we are aggressive and while we

are saying stop, like don't always mean this,

no. It's because we're not dealing in a world

of the way that Tyler and I grew up in. And

Just because you can convince somebody to

do something doesn't mean that you should

convince them to go further. And how they

feel means something further down the line.

Not today, maybe in a year, maybe in two

years. And that story that they go through,

and I implore you guys to listen to her book,

and especially like how the couple interact

with each other and how they figure it out

with each other. Like, I don't know if that

would happen all the time, right? And so

we all probably have stories of, you know,

and I hate saying like, because I grew up

in Utah, if a girl If a girl or a guy felt

like they went too far, the culture would

oppose them, would make them do something

that they maybe don't want to do.

Right, like when you teach somebody that

sex is equal to murder, right? And you've

got a young lady, and I have two daughters.

Right.

Or a young boy. Or a young boy, because they

talk about that.

Yeah, but I mean, yeah, I've got to switch

the script here and reverse it a little bit

and talk about what do my daughters feel?

What do I want for my daughters? The reality

is that if my daughter were to come to me

and talk about this experience, like, am

I running to a bishop and pressing rape charges?

Or am I just saying that, like, young lady,

I love you. Young lady, like, I understand.

Our bodies, they have the same nervous system

that we have as men. And in fact, if you

were to read something like She Comes First,

they have 600 times more than the nerve endings.

They have 600 times more than nerve endings

than we have.

I understand. I understand.

What a powerful world to say, like, what

a powerful word and a powerful position to

say, listen, I understand. I understand.

I know. And it sucks. Consent. Let's, let's

just make sure that we all are understanding

from a penis percent. Yeah. If at any point

in time, like you have to explain this to

your children. Now you have to take the stand

that you're going to explain to your children

now that consent and explain to them what

consent is. Explain to them that it's not

the... Men are to leave to their edge. What's

that sitcom that does the consent skit?

Well, there's Larry David, which is... That's

on HBO. Yeah, HBO, which is... He films the

situation. He's like, I would like consent

for you to, you know, I'm going to place

my arm here. I'm going to do this. And she's

like, well, actually, I don't do that. It's

become a joke. It's become a joke. Nothing

is worse than when it becomes a joke. We

stop caring.

We stop caring. It's so true. Well, so just

my own personal experience. When I talked

to the boys after I read the book and I talked

to them about consent, they were so animated

about it. They were so confused and animated

about it that I thought, holy moly, I need

to think about this and put some thought

into it and really address it and be like,

I'm going to explain to them that at any

point in time that things start to get off

or your feelings start to get off, let's

just stop there. Let's just stop there and

move on and it's okay. You can figure out

a way to have fun at a different time and

maybe that's just the way it is. But if you

get to a position, and this is what I would

tell your children, this is what I would

tell my own boys, if you get to a position

where you feel uncomfortable or you think

that it got uncomfortable,

I would be honest. Yeah, I would be honest.

And I would be honest. Yeah. So honesty next

to self awareness is one of the greatest.

And it gets ugly.

Yeah. Honestly, it's ugly.

Well, I mean, when we when we start to like,

what is this person going to think about

me? Right? Because we've built this whole

cultural narrative. The reality is, what

we need to do is we need to say no means

no. Yeah. Right. consent is Are you willing

to do this? Right? And we need to eliminate

shame and guilt. We need to eliminate shame

and guilt.

And it doesn't matter whether you have boys

or girls. And the great thing about Peggy's

book is it's from the boy side.

So you just as equally could probably pick

up the girl side.

And you understand, you understand that it

happens, that it happens in our cultures

coming up, that it happens regardless of

gender. And we haven't even touched on the

topics of if you, if your child is like in

that gender neutral area and how they feel

because, you know, it's one of those topics

that I don't know enough about that I can

be that I could be compassionate or informative

about, right? And she does such a good job

about all of those subjects. She does a really

good job. We're kind of passionate about

this. We're just starting down the path of

this. We want to touch today on porn and

consent. And we wanted to make sure that

you opened up the conversation with your

children, just at a bare minimum. Let's go.

Let's start. Let's start our paths off healthy.

Remember as a white belt, just as a white

belt, like a white belt in sex. Yeah. I mean,

seriously, watch your job. Stay healthy.

Right? You know, it doesn't matter. Yeah,

stay healthy.

Stay healthy. What's the next thing? Don't

get injured. Don't get injured. Right? Yeah,

don't get injured. And, and remember that,

like, everything is okay. So when you talk

to your children, remember, like talk to

them, not from somebody that you that knows

everything that you're going to like open

up this conversation, like Tyler said, like,

hey, penis and vagina.

It may need to start there. It may need to

start there. Danny, thank you so much.

Yeah, this has been really fun. This one

was kind of where we're nervous about because

it's heavy. It's heavy and we start to go

all over and we want to hear everybody's

comments. Again, we're going to put this

in the comments. We're going to put this

out first. Make sure that you listen to this

podcast either with or first. Before, yeah.

Either with or first. Like you have to be

raw. At some point, but at the same time,

start the conversation.

And pass it on. If you're nervous about starting

the conversation, pass this podcast on.

Right, right, right, right. Don't let God,

don't let the Bible, don't let, like, seriously,

we're human beings. We're human beings. We're

driven by an instinctual level of... We want

it. We want it. Savages. Savages. Yeah. You

gotta figure it out.

We'll we're going to continue on. We're going

to. Let's see what our audience thinks. Let's

see what we can drum up. Let's see what kind

of input we can get for this, and then we'll

continue down the path. We may have to take

a moment just for Tyler and I itself just

to recover from. It's been a week. It has.

Yeah, it's interesting.

It's heavy. It's heavy. It is like when you

take away the money, you take away all of

it.

It is what it is. It is what it is. Yeah,

for sure. We appreciate you guys coming.

We're so grateful. We want to make sure that

we tell our audience that we are here for

you. Men, young men, we're here for you.

We want to visit with you. We want to talk

to you. Even if you are a woman and a young

woman and you feel like you need something,

we have avenues. Tyler and I may not understand

what you're going through, but we have avenues.

We have friends. We have confidence. We have

people that we are close with that we will

help you get to where you need to be.

At the same time, yes, if you don't know

where to go, let's release the shame and

the guilt. If you don't know where to go,

find somebody. Maybe it's not us. Maybe it's

somebody else, but like, have it.

Have it. Yeah. Let's let, let, let, let,

let us help you and continue this conversation.

Let's tell us how you think about it. Tell

us what your conversations are with your

children, with your significant other, because

it may change how you, how you speak with

each other. It may change your dynamic. I

tell people all the time. I am grateful for

what jiu-jitsu did for me and the people

that I met now, because the people in my

life before jiu-jitsu, they would know. They

would know that something's different about

me. And so, if you're looking to find an

avenue or something that will help you regulate

your central nervous system, boy, girl, whatever

you identify as, Jiu Jitsu. Just even that

inner child. Yeah, Jiu Jitsu. Even that inner

child. It will help. It will regulate your

entire world.

Right, but that inner child, right? Like,

listen, it's like, yeah.

Let's continue this conversation at another

time. So upcoming, Tyler and I are going

to be competing on July 8th at Grappling

Industries. So if you want to come out and

watch us compete, bring out some signs. We're

excited for that. We have our 10K that we're

going to be doing soon.

We have to do it the Wednesday before.

We'll figure that out. We'll talk to them.

And then workshops we're going to be doing.

We're still working on our men's workshop

and our breathing workshops. We have a place

that we're working with that we're going

to try to find some of that stuff to open

up for the community. And then you can just

meet us. Then you can talk to Tyler and I.

Maybe you just don't feel comfortable like

D. I mean because you feel like you're gonna

get Worked in the comments, but no like just

just inboxes Thomas in the comments. Yeah,

and we're stoked. We're excited to talk to

you guys Take some time with this one. Yeah,

take some time. We're gonna have to we're

gonna have to do I Need to say I need to

take some time with this one.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, you take some time

with this one We have to so one We've hit

that time. I appreciate you. I appreciate

you. Seriously, I need some time with this

one. Because I need you. I need men like

you. And I need each other. And we need to

be honest. And so, how do we get a hold of

each other? Yeah.

So, as you guys know, Compassionate underscore

Gentleman on Instagram and Facebook. You

know, I train at Park City. Both academies,

I train at Park City and Lehigh. You can

find me, you can ask about me. Tyler, how

about you?

Yeah, Park City Jiu-Jitsu. If you disagree

with anything we have to say, Come find me.

I'm a white belt and maybe you can beat me.

Not for very much longer. No. So we'll see.

Yeah. Park City Jiu Jitsu 11 a.m. on Sunday's

open mat. It's open for everybody. And yeah,

we're grateful for you guys. Thank you for

thanks for listening.

Honestly, let's figure it out. Let's figure

it out when we're all together. We breathe.

See it. Cheers.

It's time to turn him back! Bye!