Lost Boy Scouts Podcast

Back to the podcast Boy Scouts. How are you?

I'm doing all right. You're doing good. Yeah,

I am I'm surviving. Yeah, and I've been in

survival mode most of my life I'm trying

to eke my way out and I have good days and

I have bad days So yeah, the end the move

is still crazy.

You're still trying to settle in into the

house and trying to get everything Squared

away and kids are back and forth with School

stuff finish, you know, yeah finishing up

school.

Yeah Well, this is our last week This is

their last week of school before they're

released into our full custody. So parents

out there, I, I feel your pain. I, uh, yeah.

It's, uh, school is such a weird, like that

whole, um, every time you see kids and they're

like, yeah, they're talking about their school

and what they have going on. And then you

like start to see them. Like that's when

you can really see your kids like start to

mature or grow and hopefully make, you know,

I don't know if school teaches them very

good quality lessons. I think mostly. They're

there for a bit of time and I don't know

if the teachers are as... um engaged as you

know they they were once or if they haven't

have the ability to be as engaged as they

they were i know tristan my younger son man

he had a rough ninth grade year and he wrestled

full time yeah and he was telling me the

other day that there were times when right

before a tournament he would have to go to

all of his teachers and begged for them to

put it in an assignment that he had in his

book bag or some shit like that so that he

could get grades to be able to wrestle at

that tournament. And I literally had no idea

that that would go on. One, they weren't,

I mean, like no way was a teacher When, you

know, when he was in ninth grade, and I'm

sure it's still the same way. Wasatch is

the only high school up in Heber. And there

was over 2000 students in that little tiny

school. And those teachers can't take their

time for one, but because he was on the wrestling

team, he got so many passes because he was

on the wrestling team.

That's interesting. Cause yeah, my kids have

struggled with grades this year too. And

I think a lot of that has to do with this,

the transitional period of life and, dealing

with the split home and what comes with that.

9th grade is a weird year. 9th grade, 5th

grade, from what I gather, 5th grade, 9th

grade, and then, you know, your 12th grade

year. Yeah. Such a weird What was that?

The phone I did put on mute, but whatever.

I told Tyler he had to take off his watch

because he's not allowed to. I get distracted.

He'll get distracted. It's so ADD. I need

to probably take a Ritalin before. I'm trying

really hard to reconnect with my nervous

system. I do believe, I don't believe in

traditional ADD. I think it was something

that, you know, big pharma had it.

They had it.

They had the prescription before they had

the diagnosis type of thing, and they came

up with the diagnosis.

Yeah. How's training been going? Good?

Yeah, it was really good. Last couple weeks

I've been hitting my training goals. I'd

like to get a little bit more.

Mondays.

Monday, Wednesday. And I'd like to get hit

every other Saturday when I can, but with

the kids being out of school and it being

summertime, it's going to be.

You just need to get you back on the Sunday

schedule.

I need to get back on the Sunday schedule.

I want to, I need to.

I'm going to tell Deerson that we need to

get you back on the Sunday schedule.

Those of you who don't know, I do Moonlight

as a Zamboni operator. That's right. Now,

technically it is an Olympia and there's

very few, like very few people know the difference.

Everybody calls it a Zamboni, but it's really.

What's the difference? So Zamboni is a brand.

Zamboni is a brand and And, but everybody

just calls it a, it's a nice resurface mission.

And the one we use is Olympia. So they're

just two Canadian companies that make them.

It's sick. I've gone over there and Tristan

has given me a tour of the building and,

um, I've watched him do it. It's cool. It's

cool. Like the whole, the whole idea of shaving

part of it and then putting water down to

make the ice smooth again. And each, uh,

different discipline has its own make or

cut. Yep, right. Yep, and they have this

machine that they can like dial it in digitally.

Yeah, right Yeah, it's it I mean is an art

form and there's no better people out there

Deerson went to the Olympics and he did and

did it for the Olympics in South Korea Not

North Korea South Korea, right? So he is

he's a an Olympian and that's the joke that

I make right because Salt Lake has a bid

for 10 years Yeah, the Olympics may come

back and I'm like, I'm training for the Olympics

The other the other joke is is that I'm training

to go to the show

The show is the NHL, Utah.

Yeah. With Utah announcing their big NHL

moves, I could be going to the show guys.

Cut nice for them. Cut nice. But to be honest,

I, I love Deerson. I love the crew that I

work with. The job itself is a lot of sit

and wait. And I, it's, it's, it's getting

to me. Yeah. It's getting to me to just sit

and wait and like, not very much social interaction.

No, because people are coming in. That's

what trip says is like, same thing. My younger

son, he's, he's does the same thing with,

with your guys's. Uh, so, and from what I

gather, you have like older guys that do

it to have, uh, one work ethic. Younger guys

who do it and they have a whole different

set of work ethics and Dearson is trying

to manage all those plus Plus, you know you

and you and those younger guys you guys are

not There you guys are on the same working

platform. Yeah, right Yeah, and it's not

like you can be like no man show up for your

shift and they're like, yeah, whatever man

Okay

Yeah, sure. It is a strange dynamic. And

Pearson does a great job. He's a great manager.

But we're not just in charge of the ice.

It's the facility, right? Ice operations

is the whole facility. And honestly, I picked

this up just kind of, I needed to get out

of the house. I've now gotten to the point

where like, I don't socially get enough socialization

where I'm like, I might need to get out of

the rink just cause like, I'm just doing

it. And it's, it's, I am, well, maybe we'll

get into this, my, my, my, my struggling

loneliness, but like, yeah, like I don't

love scrubbing poopy toilets and that may

be something you have to do. In fact, the

other day I caught some kids in the bathroom,

they had soaked a bunch of paper towels.

And they just threw it up against the ceiling

and the ceiling at the ceiling. Yeah, like,

you know, you know, then they were like,

oh, and I caught him. I said, hey, you guys

wait right here. And I went and got the scrub

brush and made him clean it up. But I'm like,

I had to give him a little bit of leeway.

We've all been that. Like, I was that kid.

Punk ass. I was that kid.

I still do. I'm not going to. I mean, I'm

forty five years old. Yeah. And every once

in a while I'll walk into my bathroom at

work get a ball of wet paper towel. And I

know who's in the, the stall and throw it

against the wall. Uh, yeah. And I'm 45 years

old, man. I think like, uh, I think that

there are like things. So I'll tell my wife,

like some of the things that I do. Yeah.

And she'll tell me like, how old are you?

Yeah. And I'm like, what do you mean? How

old am I? And she's like, I would expect

a young kid to do some of the things that

you do, and I'm like... What are you talking

about? I'm, I'm not, she's like, yeah, how

old are you? But if I, but like, I think

there are some of those things where like

guys do stuff that are like in my mind, funny,

you know, like you have a fart chain text

message group or where you're like, you make

a funny fart and send it to all of the like

10 guys. And next thing you know, like every

guy is trying to get onto that text message

chain because he's thinking, man, I've got

some of the funniest farts. And my wife would

be like, What horrified, why would you ever

in your lifetime do that? And it's just some

of those things that guys do, right? Like

we just, we have, we, we have some quirky

things. So the, them throwing the paper tops

against the wall is not out of the realm

for me. Um, and so, um, so, so, so I've been

training a bunch also and having a good time.

I've been going to Lehigh once a week. Georgie

Mostly geek as I go on Mondays. Oh, yeah.

Okay. I was going on Mondays to try to help

him and Kenny Yeah to get ready for their

super fights, and then I went last night

To the class last night. It was really fun

I went and actually helped Mike with the

advanced kids class down there and big old

group, dude I will tell you that those kids

are dialed in. They are soldiers. They were

doing drills and he was like calling out

their sequence. And there were about 26 kids.

So groups of 13 and all lined up and each

of them doing it. And there was only one

group that Kim was working with that didn't

know what he was saying. Yeah. And I was

like, most of the adults in our program would

not be able to do that. And these kids were

like, were like dialed in. And then when

they were fighting, um, they started on their

feet training, you know, and, and man, they

were, they were really, it was really fun

to watch. And then, um, we I trained with

the adults last night and it was fun. It

was a good group there. Um, there's some,

there, there's, uh, there's some fun training

that happens in Lehigh. Sometimes they had

a, they had a little bit of a turnover, um,

with some, I think they're kind of dialing

in again, their group and their group. Um,

Olivia, um, She's getting ready. She's going

to compete a little blonde. Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't seen her in a minute.

I heard that. Yeah, she was, she's going

to compete and she's really technical. And

so it's really fun to train with her. She

was attacking my feet like crazy yesterday.

So, um, she's fun. So shout out to Olivia.

Um, man, I'd like to give Anthony Pagano

a huge shout out. Wow. Yeah. That was insane

this week for him. Yeah. Um, he got a shout

out on Joe Rogan. And dude, it was, it was

cool. I seen it through the tattoo shop and

then I went and found it and then I went

and found the guy. So the guy is Greg Overton.

Okay. I don't really know. I was going to,

um, we're going to have Anthony on here and

he's going to, we're going to talk a little

bit about. Um, that whole scene from the

back of the day because I think they were

back in the day. So like, um, Friends. Yeah.

Um, but yeah, I mean he like shouted out

anthony on On joe rogan and what what better

platform for anthony than to yeah get a shout

out like that. Yeah. I mean it's like gold,

dude Yeah

Yeah, I mean, yeah, why do you think we started

this?

Yeah Replace Joe Rogan. Yeah, man, and so

we're gonna have him on here. I talked to

him the other day He's got a super fight

coming up He's training well when he's kind

of a big personality down in Salt Lake like

when you go into his tattoo shop He's he's

he's old-school tattoo guy from Salt Lake.

Yeah, which is cool because you know, he's

our friend. Yeah. Right. I mean, he's a monster

on the map, but he's still like our friend.

And so it's like one of those things where

you don't realize who you're hanging out

with until something like that happens. And

then you're like, this guy is. this guy gets

a shout out on Joe Rogan. And then you kind

of realize, oh man, he is, he's been around

and I've seen a lot of cool things. And so

it'll be, it'll be exciting to have him on

here and professor's going to come on. Um,

we talked to him about coming on. He's going

to come on soon, get that, uh, talk about

his kids programs and like how he develops

that whole, what his path is for developing

that kids program, because his program is

really, really good. And when you witness

it with your eyes, like I did yesterday,

you realize how good it is. Yeah. You know,

cause these kids are like soldiers and they're

ready to go. And when you call them out and

you, yeah, you give them a, like a, a encouraging

to fight hard, they fight really hard and

it's really quite fun to see.

So, um, such a, I, it's such a good program.

Yeah. I think you should get your kids in

jujitsu. I'm trying real hard to do mine.

At least to like control, you know, like

to control your emotions and because, I don't

know if you guys, so this will come out on

Friday. We're doing this episode on Tuesday.

But today, Tyler shared just on his Instagram

story that he was dealing with some, just

some things inside that he was just struggling

with. And he quoted a line off of the Bob

Marley movie. I have yet to see the Bob Marley

movie, but say it again.

Yeah, so the quote is, he talks about suffering.

He's like, all my life I've seen suffering.

Yeah. Right. I've never known so much suffering

every, every day. This stuff just happens

to me. He goes, how can I teach, how can

I preach peace when I can't even find it

for myself? And like that quote just resonated

with me because I feel like I've in the terms

of like doing the work. Right. Right. I've

done a lot of work. I've done a lot of work.

I've sat with my demons for a long time.

And we talked to, so, so what happened is,

is I seen his post and I knew that I was

like, um, the, the, the, what I would, what

I, how I wanted to like address that and

how I wanted to talk about that, because

as a man, you know, you're given a certain

skill sets in your life. Right. And then,

and, and then your childhood and everything

kind of shapes some of those things. And

then there's things that, that we're just

not able to do because like, chemically and

the way that we're built, we're just not

able to be certain parts, certain things.

We're not able to have certain emotions for

too long. And anger, frustration are not

something that a man can sit with for a long

time because anger and frustration leads

to sadness, disappointment, and to negative,

like really, really negative things. So if

you sit with those feelings, and you cannot

get out of those emotions, it becomes very

dark for a man.

I would say right now the darkest for me

as I deal with some of the emotional wounds

that I'm going through with the loss of my

brother, which is what I was talking about,

I said, interestingly enough, the loss of

my brother was very finite. He's gone, right?

And there was a lot of closure there, but

what surfaced is a lot of abandonment issues

around my divorce, around this person that

I have to quote unquote co-parent with.

And some of those things are like, you know,

you know that you need that other person,

right? Because we can't be moms. And that's

what I was telling you is like like you're

we're just not built that way. We're not

built to be like super nurturing We go out

to work. We we bust our ass. We expect that

of our kids We are the hand you need to have

a hand in a pillow in a parent in a parental

relationship You need to have a hand and

you need to have a pillow and sometimes those

roles are reversed But for the most part

as men we are considered the hand and We

are the fist. We are the this is what you

do. Yeah, and then the mom usually is the

nurturing. It's okay Your dad was just having

a moment, right? I'm the pillow I'm the pillow

my wife and I have those those those roles

and sometimes I get mad because it's like

I want to be the pillow. Yeah, you chew their

asses you go out there and yeah, she asked

and she's like well, I What do you want me

to do? I'm not a man, I'm not a boy. And

I'm like, well, I don't want to always be

the asshole. I am consistently in my boy's

life, the asshole. And they're not afraid

to say, oh yeah, my dad is rough. My dad

is rough, but, and they'll always say how

nice their mom is until they do something

that pisses off their mom. And then their

mom comes, tells me after she's chewed their

ass, you know, but, They always know she's

the pillow. All they have to do is say, I

love you, give her some batty eyes, and she

just falls right back into that.

Yeah, that's interesting. I wonder how that

dynamic would be different if you all had

a girl. Right because like I I feel like

quasi with my daughters for sure that like

I yes like one cozy Gets a slap on the wrist

Ben. I'm I'm hard on Ben Bryn definitely

had it the hardest because she was our first

we ever we experimented on her right and

then the dynamic of us splitting and I You

know now I get to be my own parents and do

things how I want to do it rather than like

having to Have that dynamic that dynamic

sure because I don't know that I always agreed

with the parenting style that was chosen

but I would I would Part of my trauma is

that I pick up on people's emotions and I

try to fix and solve those emotions. And

sometimes if there's a negative emotion that

I've attached to because my partner is sad,

I was way, way hard on my kids. And I didn't

need to be that. I was misreading the situation.

Sure. And with your kids, you know, So my,

my, my, my kids, you know, I've, I've gone

through childhood, early adolescence, teenage,

and now adult different styles of, of, of

life. And what I've noticed is that, that

with my kids, right, I will never have the

same connection that they have with their

mom. I will never have that same connection.

I will always have, I will always have a

good relationship with my boys, but I have

to work really hard to be a really good dad.

My wife, she has this connection with my

boys that I will never understand. And my

boys, the way they love their mom is really

cool, is really a good thing, but I'm sometimes

envious. Sometimes I'm like, man, I gotta

work my ass off. I have to bust my ass to

be a good dad. And if I piss my boys off,

They will, they'll, they're me. They'll disown

me. They're me.

Yeah. Yeah. What's interesting, like apply

that, apply that same logic to your relationship

with your own parents because they were the

first model that you got for parenting, right?

Like my dynamic with my mom and dad is way

different, but I also now have gone through

several different stages, different phases

as I've grown up and kind of understood my

own behavior and how I got it. And

And, and then you have to think like, okay,

what skillset do I want to pass on to my

children? Right. And, and the big thing is,

is to how to, to have self acceptance. Right.

To have like, to understand the roles that

I'm just supposed to do. I mean, these are

just our roles in our, in our children's

life and we're adults, right? We're humans.

We're going to make mistakes. We're going

to do things. I'm going to do something that

my children are going to see that I probably

would not want them to do. Or or or be right,

but I'm a human I make mistakes and maybe

I just once and once in a while I do something

like damn it Yeah, I wish they wouldn't have

seen that. I wish they wouldn't have heard

me Say yes what I said or what I've done,

you know I'm sure you've had that kind of

a situation to where you like where you've

been like shit. I

did not set the best parenting. I did not

set the best example. Yeah. Oh yeah, absolutely.

An instance comes to mind today. Yeah. Yeah.

I just, I got carried away. I got, I got

trapped in the emotion and I let the emotion

win. And by letting that emotion win, You

know, not that there needs to be winners

and losers in a fight, but there are winners

and losers in a fight. And I felt like a

loser.

Yeah. Which is crazy because, you know, anger,

like I said, as a man, anger and frustration

are the two things that we are just not.

Capable of holding on to we're not it does

us no service to hold on to those emotions,

right? It doesn't when I was a young man,

I would get very angry very angry And I don't

even, I can't put a reason why I would get

angry. A lot of times I'd blame my dad for

my anger. My dad wasn't there. My dad did

this. My dad did that. And it would give

me an excuse to be angry. Right. And sometimes

I would have some really bad emotional outbursts

of tears, screaming, frustration, fighting

in the bar, you know, causing a lot of chaos

around me and I didn't understand, like what,

in my mind it was like, I don't know why

I'm angry. Don't know why I'm angry. I don't

know why I'm frustrated. Yeah after some

counseling and some therapy that I did go

to it was more of like Not that I was not

that I not that Anger is an emotion, right?

It's just an emotion. Yeah, and how I learned

how to deal with it was to to accept the

fact of like no matter what I Yes. Yes. I

can be frustrated with my father. Yes, I

can. But to hold on to an anger towards him

doesn't mean no service doesn't mean no good

inside of my body. Right. And when I really

started to feel solace was when I found like

wrestling. MMA where I would go in and get

all that out, get all that frustration out.

And then I couldn't, no matter what, I could

not be angry after those moments. Right.

And what I learned about myself was that,

that, that simple idea that those, those

emotions, those things that I'm not built

to hold onto as a man, They do me no service.

They do me no good. Right. And I'm, I want

to be a person who does good for myself.

Right. Cause I'm already going to be, uh,

And I already have fucked up ears I always

have I have a crazy look and if I'm not careful

people are going to see me as an aggressive

person Yeah so if I've already started with

that with that idea that I'm aggressive person

and I let anger and frustration carry on

that's only going to Make that go worse for

me, but if I'm like right smiling all the

time and people ask me how you doing? I'm

like man. I'm amazing I'm amazing. If I,

if I carry myself like that, nothing in this

world is going to, to hurt me. I'm already

have, like I said, crazy ears. I have a crazy

look. I have tattoos. I have, you know, I'm

not afraid to, to escalate the situation

if I need to, but I never feel good after

an anger situation. No, I never feel good.

And those feelings, but Danny, just hear

me out. I got it. Just hear me out. I've

got one. Like, the memories are forever.

Jail time is temporary.

Tell me you haven't wanted to tune that motherfucker

up.

Just once. Tell me you haven't wanted to

tune him up.

Man, we've talked about this. I've played

it out in my head, how it would happen.

Yes. I want to escape it. I am at a point

where I feel this desperate need to escape

to the point where I'm like, how do I run

away from this? I need to change towns. I

need to move cities. I want to move. But

I have my children.

Well, and you made a, you made a point to

me that, that, like I said, I feel that men

feel is like, I understand an exit strategy.

I understand an exit strategy. And I'm not

saying watch the door, watch the window,

watch the exit strategy. What I'm saying

is, is there are men out there that get into

these moments where they cannot deal with

anger, frustration, they do not have an outlet.

And the only thing that they can find is

that this world would be better off without

it.

Absolutely, my poison right now is compulsively

overthinking the situation. You know you've

run through that scenario where you want

to tune him up, but imagine not being able

to shut it down. Imagine not being able to

turn it off. Imagine being laying in bed

at 1, 2, 3, 4 in the morning and not being

able to turn it off. Imagine waking up in

the morning and it's still there. Yeah, I

have definitely gotten to that point where

I see there is a clear path to shut this

down. Sure. It's very simple. Sure. Would

be very easy. Right. Right. I know then that

they win. If I choose that route, they win.

Right. Whomever I'm fighting, my demons,

they win. Sure. I'm not there. I've got grit.

I want to fight, but I am desperate for some

peace.

And quietness, right? Quiet the monster.

Absolutely. Quiet the monster. And for me,

finding understanding that I can't carry

these emotions, right? And I'm not built

for nurturing. I'm not built for like super

sympathetic things. I'm not, I'm not built

for that. I'm not built to be like, I'm compassionate

to a point, right? I will show you grace

and solace to a point, to a point. And then

at that point, there's no more grace and

solace at that point. Yeah. Right. Because

I shake your hand, does not mean that you

and I are friends. It means that I've accepted

the fact that I'm capable of violence, and

I'm not going to give you violence right

now. I'm going to give you grace. I'm going

to give you solace. If you take that, for

weakness. If you, if you take that for weakness,

I will teach you that there's no weakness

involved.

Yes. Right. I love, I love that philosophy.

I really, I really do. I think men, we as

men have to, we have to sit with a couple

of things. We have to sit with the, the reality

of us not being in here anymore, facing death.

Sit with it long and hard. Agreed. Find someplace

where you are alone and you contemplate your

own death. Agreed. Second thing you need

to face is the darkness that you are capable

of. Sure. Could you, well, you know, I think

we talked about this in an episode. Could

you break somebody's arm?

Yeah. Could you break their arm? Could you

break their arm? Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Could you, could you in a scenario

see yourself? you know, throttling the life

out of somebody and feeling their, their

body go limp as, as you take their life.

That is some darkness. It is dark. It's very

dark. And I think men do that. I think they

do that, but I think that they do it to themselves

as well. They take it to themselves and they

see themselves. They see themselves. You

see yourself not here tomorrow. And what

would that look like? What would that look

like if I'm not here tomorrow? Right. And,

and because We are capable of violence. We

also have to understand that we are also

capable of caring. We're capable of nurturing.

We're capable of compassion. We are capable

of those things. The things that we're not

capable of is holding on to negative things.

Because if you do start to go down that path

like you're talking about, you sit with yourself,

you see the end, you know the end, you understand

the end, and there's anger and frustration

and all these negative feelings inside of

you, it only exacerbates that. It only makes

it worse, right? But if you go, I am, I am

capable of that, but look at how beautiful

my life is. look at all the great things

that I have in my life, look at my children,

look at my wife, look at my life, look at

who I am, look at who I've become, despite

the things that have happened to me or that

I feel have happened to me, then you are

also capable of amazing transformations and

amazing impact to people. And that's how

I see myself, right? Because there was, like

I said, when I was younger, I was a very

angry man, a very angry young man. And man,

I would say and do some things. I would say

things that I look back on now that I think,

how did I get away with that? How did somebody

not punch me in my face for saying and doing

the things that I did? Well, because I thought,

because a lot of it was because I didn't

have an end, right? I would take it to that

level of like, well, yeah, man, I'm capable

of violence, right? And so maybe the people

around were like, I'm not, I don't want to

see how far we can push Danny because Danny's,

you know, crazy. And now I know how great,

and now I know how capable of kindness I

am and how kind I am with my, with my smile,

with my sincerity that I don't even have

to show it anymore. Right. But if you need

me to break your arm, I'll break your arm,

you know? And, and so, as, as you, as you,

you, you, your own personal, you start to

look in right now, as Tyler and I are talking

about these things, you look inside and you're

like, man, what are you capable of? What

are you capable of? Are you capable of acceptance?

Are you capable of looking at another person,

shaking their hand, knowing that that does

not mean that you are accepting of them?

that you're only letting them know that you

are willing to find common ground. And it's

not a sign of weakness. It's not anything

else except for, I know what I'm capable

of and I'm giving you a pass. And even as

our female audience, they may see this and

they're like, man, I don't even know what

violence is. Because again, I don't think

that they're built for that. I don't think

that they're built for violence. They are

if they're put in that situation and they

need to be able to defend themselves. And

again, this is why I encourage all of the

people that I know to find some sort of martial

arts, some sort of thing where you can defend

yourself in a dark alley. Tyler and I are

at the concert on Saturday. And there's just

so many people around us at this concert.

Right. And I could just feel myself like,

all right, I'm kind of over it. Yeah. This

group of these two kids walk past us. And

man, this dude gives me a bump. He gives

me a bump. And I'm like, hey, hey, next time,

say excuse me. He looked back at me, was

about to say something smart ass, seen my

eyes and was like, Got you. Sorry about that.

Yeah. You know, and I was like, it's an instance

of like, Hey man, I'm not joking right now.

It's funny too. Cause we were at a reggae

concert. Right. That's all like, it's all

about happy. Right. Like it's all about bopping

around and like bumping around and like,

it's amazing how, how thoughtless people

get in, in your personal space.

Right. There were some people that were just

like, what are you, what? Oh, I was right

there. I was already up at the front. It's

like, well, you're not there now. Yeah.

You move your feet, lose your seat. Right.

You are, you're spilling your drink. And

so what ended up happening is Tyler and I

both looked at each other and we're like,

we're good. Yeah. I'm good. Because maybe

like, maybe just our own personalities were

like coming of like, all right, let's, let's

kind of like find, let's go somewhere else.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's true. You, you have to be, you

have to connect and you have to integrate

your, your ability for darkness and violence.

And you have to be, you have to be able to

show, like, I don't think anything is more

beautiful than being able to show benevolence

that you are in control. And I think that

comes with being able to control and regulate

your nervous system. Right? Like I've had

situations recently where I've done exactly

that. I shook somebody's hand in, in, in

order to be, Um, socially, it's socially

acceptable, right? Like it's a socially acceptable

behavior, knowing fully well, I have dreamed

of, of ending this person. Yeah. Yeah. And

to say it in a polite way, um, you know,

and you're right. It doesn't constitute like,

this is, Hey, this is, We're now buddies.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, we're not, we're not,

we're not, I'm sorry. We're not. I, it's

like, well, I'll shake your hand, but like,

I'm now seeing through you. I now see, I

don't even, I'm water. I've moved past, I've

moved around. I'm no longer in resistance,

right? It's the same thing as if you, if

I hold my grip too long on somebody's gi,

like it'll burn out. Yeah. And you can't

hold your grip. You've got to, you've got

to, you have to preserve that, right? For

when it is necessary. Sure.

Yeah. And, and, and sometimes what happens

is you mean for these things to happen. You

mean for, this is how you, this is how it

starts, right? You, you, you start with this

small gesture and the small gesture is not

received the way that you want it to be received.

And so what you do is you put how you, how

I would do it, how I would do this, like

the expectation of myself, you put the same

expectation on the person across from you,

which is so unfair. Like you're expecting

this person to be exactly like you and to

take it exactly how you feel you would take

it, right? And I've had some personal experiences

with that. One in particular was when Tristan

was in 10th grade, he was having this killer

season, killer wrestling season, killer wrestling

season. And there were some guys chasing

him on the team. And the way that I understood

it and the way that I've always done it with

my boys is like, it's okay, man. You just

go against each other. Like, it's okay. I'm

not going to give you any, any tidbits to

how to beat your teammate. You've just earned

it. Yeah. What I didn't know is that on the

verse side, Those guys, those other teammates

were getting a bunch of information on how

to beat Tristan from coaches on the team,

which I didn't understand that that was part

of the, of the, I just expected them to respond

the same way that I did. So what ended up

happening is Tristan ended up losing his

starting spot the week before divisionals,

which means he wouldn't have go to state.

Now he's having this killer season, beats

these kids handedly throughout the year,

but because they're, they're also during,

during downtimes, learning how to, to wrestle

Tristan in their own wrestling room, which

again, I'm not aware of these things. They,

they were gaining ground on him. Plus he

is in the wrestling room and he's feeling

this pressure. Right. And he is not, doesn't

know how in his 16 year old mind to talk

to his dad, that this is going on. We eventually

come, we eventually find out some more information

that I was just like, man, look back in on

that. And it makes me very frustrated. Very.

So when you, lose your starting spot, you

can then challenge up, up a weight. And that

kid Tristan for sure probably would have

beat. But I thought to myself, well, I wouldn't

want somebody to do that to Tristan. Right.

So why would I do that to them? Right. But

again, I'm putting these expectations on

people that of myself. Right. What I should

have done was like, yeah, we're challenging

for that spot because that's what you do.

You know, and looking back on it now, I have

some regrets about it of not knowing the

rules that we were playing within. Right.

And I get frustrated about it because I think

how good he was, how good he could have been.

He ended up quitting his junior year, quitting

wrestling. And there are moments when I will

replay in my head exactly what I would do

if I seen some of those people today. I go,

Danny, knock it. We're talking, we're literally

talking three year, three, four, Tristan's

way better person now than what he was then,

right? He's exponentially better. Yeah, he

absolutely is. He's exponentially better

in his mind, but there are times that I'm

like, in this moment, and I'm like, I am

thinking about this thing that happened three

years ago, and I am trapped, and I am angry,

Tyler, and I am like, It's all I can do to

breathe. It's all I can do. My heart, I can

feel my chest breathing and I can feel my

chest tightening. I can feel all these things.

And I am like, how did I get here? And I

will, like you said, I'll be up at night.

for that moment that it's in my head. And

I will have had a lot of interactions with

these people. And I think, and then I, then

I have what, what normally happens is this

really bad, like let down on myself. Like,

like, I'm like, man, Danny, why did you do

that? Why did you just waste five days?

Did you just explain the last two years of

my life? The last two years of my life. I'm

like, I have hit a point where I'm like,

I cannot do this anymore. I realize that

this is happening, right? But I feel completely

powerless to stop.

So how do you, how did you, so what do you,

what, what ends up happening is you, you,

you, you, you be okay with it. You'd be okay

with it. You'd just be okay with it. You're

like, okay, there's a moment. I don't, you

know, when it first happened for the first

six, seven months, it would be a regular

occurrence. And I could not go around certain

people because I was afraid of what I would

do.

But now, so you, you be okay with it in the

sense that you just acknowledge the wound.

Like there's an emotional wound here or you

acknowledge the fact that yes, I'm doing

this behavior and I'm doing it.

I'm doing it. Whatever. And, and then I'm

like, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to clear

my mind. I'm going to go to jujitsu. I'm

going to go to work. I'm going to hug Misty.

I'm going to, um, sometimes I'll, sometimes

I will have a conversation with Tristan and

I'll be like, Hey, do you remember this?

And he'll be like, yeah. And I'm like, Man,

I really kind of dropped the ball on that.

And usually he's super graceful and like,

it's okay, dad, like not that big of a deal

during the time, like it kind of sucked.

And he'll give me some more information about

it. And we'll talk a lot about it, him and

I, um, which always helps me talking. always

helps me. I think the first half hour of

us sitting here, I could feel your energy

drop. When I first got here, you were like

amped up. And then now I can feel that the

that everything is kind of like, okay, the

pot has stopped boiling, right? And it's

simmered down a little bit, which is what

happens. And I'm sure our audience, as we're

talking about this, they're going to think

of the things in their head that they hold

on to. And they're going to feel that moment

of the water starts boiling over the pot.

And it's still hot, there's still times,

but maybe next time it's a little bit longer

and maybe you develop some habits, breathing,

stretching, balance journaling Fighting getting

out of your system get it out of your system

because if we went and trained right now

You would get it out of your system You'd

go to bed with starry eyes and you would

not think anything about it. You would sleep

good tonight and Tomorrow the problem may

still be there. You may wake up and you may

have those just because it's right there,

it may, it may be one of those things that

you just can't get rid of right now. Right.

But in a couple of days, in a couple of weeks,

it's going to be gone. Something else is

going to be there and you're going to find

happiness. Super cool that it's light outside

and it's almost nine o'clock at night here

in Utah. You know, I think about that. Um,

And, and, and the most important thing that

you can do, the most important thing to you

that you can do is remember that this world

is not better off without you and your tribe,

the people that you choose in your life,

the people that see you for who you are,

the people that, that do have the same values

as you, that do, that you can have, um, you

can have, um, expectations out of will actually

give the expectations. They're not going

to hit it out of the park every time, right?

You're not going to I'm not going to to to

always be able to check mark everything that

Misty wants. Yeah correctly. Yeah, but 85

95 percent of the time I'm going to be pretty

close to what she wants right and in my friendships

51 percent of the time if I'm doing 51 percent

of the time really good with my friendships

and I am winning Yeah, especially with another

man because another man is Man, what you're

going through and what I'm going through,

completely different. But we also know that

I'm not built for nurturing another man's

wounds.

Yeah. No, I, I, I totally agree. I think

we have to be able to at times link arms

and say, yes, I felt the similar way. Right.

And, and it's similar, but different. Right.

I'm not going to, and this is what I love

about you, Danny, is that you never come

over and say like, Oh yes, yes, I feel, I

feel there. I've been there. I like you,

you actually, you listen and you can say,

I understand the feeling. Right. But we have

to realize this about the feeling. The feeling

is, is, is this, this is where we need to

guide that energy. Right. And I think, um,

I'm, I'm, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted by

the last six months. I'm exhausted by the

last two years. I am, I'm desperate. I'm

desperate for a solution. I am noticing the

cycles and the patterns and I'm like, how

do I, how do I teach this piece when I, you

know, I see glimpses of it. I absolutely

see glimpses of it.

Yeah. And a lot of times you teach by, you

teach by just how you do. Yeah. Right. Because

we're not, and what I was telling Tyler earlier

and how I approach jiu jitsu and kind of

how I approach life is I don't do 10% of

a thousand moves. I do a hundred percent

of 10 moves. I do a hundred percent, I give

a hundred percent to 10 moves. I give a hundred

percent of 10 of whatever my feelings, emotions

are in that moment. I don't do 10% of 50

different emotions. You know, I can't, I

can't do that. I can't, I can't, I can't

work like that. I can't function like that.

I tried to narrow everything down, everything

down to something. Can I, can I, can I solve

it? Can I solve it? Can I fix it? Right.

And can it take a back burner for just a

moment so I can go somewhere else for a little

while and then come back to it? Right. Because,

um, my relationships, with people are genuine

as long as there's an acceptance and an understanding

that if I see your bullshit, then I'm only

gonna give you 10% of myself. I'm not gonna

give you 100%. You're not gonna know a difference.

You're not gonna know a difference. Only

I'm gonna know the difference. Only I'm gonna

know that I'm giving you 10%. I'm giving

you a bunch of shit. But the people that

I give 100% to, you're gonna know. you're

going to know that I'm giving you, you're

going to know a hundred percent that I'm

right there for you, that I'm going to be

there for you. And that I will take a moment

to listen to you. And I will take time to,

to really connect with you, you know, and,

and if I shake your hand and I don't like

you is not mean that we are buddies. And

if you take advantage of that, then you get

one pass. Yeah. Right. If you, if I do it

again and you take advantage of it, then

shame on me. I don't give you another opportunity.

Yeah. I think I, I have to be very careful

because I know I'm going to run into this

person. I know I will run into him again.

And, and, um, you know, to, to, to him, precaution

must be took because.

Yeah. Because if he takes it, because if

people take, if people take your kindness

for weakness, you have to teach them that

they're, that that's not something that you

should do. Jail time is temporary.

Yeah, man. Memories are forever.

Yeah. Well, and again, like fighting, you

know, fighting in jujitsu, fighting in the

academy, You know, he's like, man, I've had

disagreements with people. I've had disagreements

on the mat with people where they felt that

I was doing something or I was going really

hard at them and they did not understand

why. And I was like, man, I was matching

your energy. And I always, always walk away

from that feeling like shit.

I think, and that part of this is my childhood

trauma, right? Like I am super attuned and

this is where I sometimes get into trouble,

right? Like I'm super in tune with. what

other people's feelings and emotions are

on. Because that comes from having kind of

parentified yourself. And I know I'm using

a little bit of pseudo-psychology here. My

mom and dad, they weren't fully functioning

adults. And so we self-protect by becoming

hyper-aware. Right. And this is where I get

into trouble where I'm not putting enough

pressure. Right. I'm being too nice. I'm

being too nice. Yeah. Right. At the same

time, on the opposite end of that, I'm being

really mean and I'm matching your energy,

right? Like I'm matching your energy, but

I, I recognize your energy. Do you recognize

your energy? Do you? Yeah. perhaps they feel

like they are matching my energy. And I'm

like, who's right here? Who in this scenario

is right? Yeah. And, and, you know, that's

mentally, that's where I get myself in a

little bit of trouble, because I feel like,

in some cases, I'm matching people's energy.

Yeah, I'm just matching their energy. And

I'm happy in the text message. But when I

see them face to face, I see I see that quintessential

red like I'm seeing red like oh yeah I'm

now I'm pissed before I was just kind of

like matching your energy in the text message

now I'm going to escalate and you know flip

you off because because I'm it's it's in

my face a little bit more there's some and

my my only

My only caution, like I said, my only caution

to people about that is, is that you will

never feel good about that. No, you will

always look back with reflection of disappointment

in yourself, frustration in yourself. And

that's where I'm like, Hey man, remember,

even if you do that stuff, even if you have

a momentary lapse of judgment and you give

the bird, you take that arm and you put it

on a little too hard. And that person is

now, Man, that person can't train for a couple

of days. Like, okay, accept that about yourself.

Learn from it about yourself. Move on. Don't

make this situation worse by overthinking

the situation and then trying to find a solution

to something that you're never gonna find

a solution to.

Yeah, it's interesting in our earlier conversation,

like you brought up a good point. Like here

I am thinking that I'm very aware, like I'm

very aware of everything that's going on

and look at me. I'm very aware of how accepting

of myself that I'm aware of how all these

switches are firing in my brain. But then

you said something to the point that just

kind of stopped me dead that Tyler, you're

not accepting yourself. You're not accepting

it.

You're not accepting it.

You're not, you're not. And being able to

explain it is not the same as not the same

thing as being able to accept it.

And we've talked about this before. You have

a very, very, very healthy vocabulary. Yeah.

But being able to put a word attached to

your feelings does not mean that you understand

your feelings. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

It just means that, that you, that you know

how to describe your feelings.

Well, I would say that like, I know, well,

first and foremost, I know one of my principled

realities is I'm not my feelings. My feelings

are just telling me something. They're just

indicators. It's just a different language

of the nervous system, right? That doesn't

mean I always respond or react to them in

the right, in the right, in the most clear

headspace. I agree with you.

Right. I agree with you. I sent to you, um,

So I know you know who Deepak Chopra is.

I sent you that. So I've been doing that

mindful meditation and all it does is it

talks about it, like as I'm breathing, it

talks, it tells you the things that you're

going to work on that day, right? And I've

been doing it, but I've been, so I've been

practicing of like some of these things of

how I'm gonna teach people, like just to

nasal breathe. And I didn't really like know,

like a lot of times it's like, just keep

your mouth closed, but I've been practicing

with hostage tape to tape my mouth shut as

I'm breathing with a hostage, with a nose

thing to open it up. And it's like, it does

help because you do get into some little

bit of like, oh, I can't breathe. Oh, I can't

breathe. I'm just breathing through my nose.

But before, like I could go, take a breath

through my mouth if I needed to, but now

when you have the tape on your mouth, you

can't. And so it forces you to do some things

that like, it forces you into some things.

And sometimes forcing yourself to, to do

things, forcing yourself to acknowledge some

of these things is a good thing. Not getting,

not, not holding onto them so that you are

going through this washing machine of, of

emotions. You know, you want to, to force

yourself to acknowledge them and to accept

them and then learn how to learn how to breathe

underneath 250 pounds of full pressure.

Yeah, that's I mean, we had that conversation

because I think I told you I'm dealing with

this, like this feeling of crippling loneliness.

And I was explaining to you how similar that

felt to, um, The leche de padre, the father's

milk, the smothered tap for those of us.

It's miserable, but like, I remember the

first time it ever happened to me, you panic.

You were in full panic, right? Now I know

that like, I've only got to survive three

minutes. But as I'm telling Danny, as I'm

dealing with this anxiety, this crippling

anxiety of loneliness, I don't know, whatever,

I don't really know what's causing it. I

don't have a real reason to feel this loneliness,

but the panic is setting in because I don't

see that timer. And so how do we sit and

get comfortable in those feelings? Because

the feeling is the exact same. It's that

same exact emotional state of panic.

To be continued.

Yeah, it feels exactly the same.

To be continued. To be continued. And so

like, again, you're not required to answer

the question, the full answer, every day.

You're just required to make small gains,

small adjustments, and remember that you're

not a teacher. You're a student. Yeah, I

think that's the hardest thing. If you're

trying to teach something that you're in

the middle of learning, You are you're you're

going to be teaching 10% of something that

you know that you know 5% of yeah That's

why to me jujitsu is beautiful because I

never have to be a teacher I can show you

where I'm at in my journey and I can explain

to you where I'm at in my journey and I can

explain to you how professor explains it

to me and And then he will do the exact same

thing to you. And he'll never take a teaching

role to you. He has to teach a class. He

teaches you moves, but he teaches you concepts.

Right. Which is what you're doing in life.

You're just learning concepts. Right. Yeah.

And so if you just take a student role in

everything that you do, you're never going

to feel like you have to be this high level

person that needs to teach everything. You

can just like, man, this is where I'm at

in my life.

Man, savior grips and little sips. Little

sips and savior grips. Let's, let's wrap

this up. Cause we've hit, um, almost an hour

here now. So, but like Danny, thank you so

much. I appreciate your friendship. I appreciate

your honesty. Yeah. Um, it's good to be able

to just have these kinds of chats as men

and just be like working through it. And,

and for me to be able to sit and say, yes,

I did it wrong. I'm not accepting myself.

Sure. Wow, powerful.

It's a powerful message. It's a good day.

Summer camp, get signed up for summer camp.

We're going to have some guests coming in

in the next couple of weeks. Man, hopefully

we get some DMs and some people that want

to come on and be more interactive and give

us their insight. Yeah. Right.

We got a couple, we just need to get them

lined up. I think we're going to change how

we do the podcast a little bit, maybe. Yeah.

Um, but you know, we'll still plan on releasing

every other week, but how we record, we're

going to try to get a better, we're always

trying to do better. So keep after it. Keep

being better. 1% better. Yeah. 1% better.

Yeah. Cheers everybody.