Same Team: Balancing Life, Love
Alright. Welcome back. Last Boy Scouts podcast. We're just struggling through some technical issues. Technical issues are the funniest thing.
Danny:Right? Oh, yeah. So, like, I hope we come off correct, but, man, we came up to the mountains and decided to test out some new equipment, get just, like, for our audience to see what we see every day. And, I don't think it does it justice unless you see it with your eyes. Right?
Tyler:No. You're absolutely right. You need it in high definition. For sure.
Danny:You need it in,
Tyler:did not yeah. Just need to take in the max to
Danny:get all. Yeah. It's, it's beautiful. But technical difficulties, like, are a real thing. Right?
Danny:I mean, we spent, like, thankfully, Tyler is the technical guru because I'm just sitting around looking pretty and, like, giving a little bit of, like, encouraging words, like, you got this, Tyler. You can do it. Yeah. There's nothing I can do. I'm just hanging out.
Tyler:It's it's a bit frustrating. Right? And it's my bad for not testing and setting up the equipment beforehand. It's either gonna have a great success. That's my best score at.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Or it's gonna be a total another clock and or something in between. And
Danny:B sides. Yeah. We those again.
Tyler:We'll get it. We'll get it. And, like, that's the thing. Like, you did
Danny:we're just
Tyler:out here creating. Yep. We're out here doing the best we can to create and and speak to a generation of people that that you can just and just share a
Danny:message, man. And, and continue sharing what like you said, continue sharing, the the path and the the platform that we that we're trying to create for people. Because, so let's let's talk about let's talk let's recap. Okay. Let's recap.
Danny:Those of you guys that are, long time followers, long time listeners, you know that we have the belt test coming up, and, the belt test happened Saturday. Yep. And what was your initial thought?
Tyler:I thought it was great. I thought it's great. I don't know how freely I feel like I can speak, because all of those guys are my guys. They show up for me. We train.
Tyler:Obviously, you know, we couldn't say it enough. We we we chatted Preston pretty hard on the last podcast. He, of course, got his black belt. It's just an amazing experience.
Danny:Yeah. Gosh, man. Like, the whole every single that was one of the first tests where every single person looked like they took it completely seriously. Mhmm. Ivory, Mike, I don't know if you need it, but professor surprised, Sean and Crystal.
Danny:They had no idea they were in a period of life. They had no idea. But he said, if you're a pro well, you should at least know the movies. You may not know them perfectly, but you should know the movie. And I thought they took it seriously.
Danny:They did it back down. They were like, okay. Cool. Yeah. We got it.
Tyler:Yeah. Both great additions to that Lehigh office, and, you know, Sean's at least currently going through, getting getting his, you know, master's degree in therapy as well. Yeah. Yeah. So we're we we have that to kind of chat about.
Tyler:Gosh. Man.
Danny:So Preston and Dave, I spent the last 3 weeks with them, and, they put in so much time and effort. It inspired me because I've I've been, you know, I I've been practicing the black belt move for a long a long time. I think that once you realize that that it's a that it's it's a possibility, you start to put in that time and effort. You came with me, Friday. And even, like, just a little bit of you were there for a moment, but because you speak a tiny bit of you can see we're able to catch on pretty quickly with the boat.
Danny:Right? Yeah. And Dave and, Preston, they looked good. They look great. Gosh.
Danny:They look so good. Yeah. It was it was really inspiring for me, of how, like, it's like, man, that's how it's supposed to look.
Tyler:Yeah. Clean. Yep. Crisp,
Danny:on point, and, like, really, really, like, not theatrical, like, theatrical, like, big explosions, but theatrical.
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah. There's a few moves too that are specifically, like, the
Danny:The throw in the
Tyler:throw a haymaker. Haymaker where you throw them across the Yeah.
Danny:Yeah. It was, and and all the whites are blues. They look great. We had 5 brown belts. It's such a long day.
Danny:Yeah. 2 and a half hours of, you know, people going through the roof. I was, Mitch's partner. Hunched in the face. Right and cracked me.
Danny:Dude, dude. He cracked me.
Tyler:He he was mortified. Oh, it was terrible.
Danny:I thought he was gonna he was on the verge of tears because he said the one thing that I didn't want to have happened, I manifested to have happened. And he cracked me. Remember my teeth clacked. And I was just like, oh my god. It happened.
Danny:And I look over, and every black belt seems, and they're laughing. Yeah. Mona and Nick are red faced because they're laughing. I look over at you guys, and you guys were all like, oh my gosh. That just happened.
Danny:Everybody's laughing. I thought, of course. Yeah. Of course. You know?
Danny:And and he was great. He he put in auto he looks really good.
Tyler:He looks really good. For as nervous as he was. Yeah.
Danny:60 years ago. What? Rate? Dude, I think. Yeah.
Danny:Not afraid. No. No. You know, has a good has a good, has a really good, demeanor about him. I don't know if you can hear what the
Tyler:person said. The guy I the guy are you talking about the guy I yell at him at?
Danny:And he asked. Yeah. You know, he's he used to, Mitch. I mean, I don't know how many times I've been on the phone with Mitch. And he's like, I Danny, I just did something.
Danny:I shouldn't have done it on my phone. Tell me you didn't make Mike mad. And he's like, yeah. And I'm probably not gonna be around the gym for a couple of months because he was really mad at me this time, and I'm thinking, he's really mad at me every time. You know?
Danny:But, but
Tyler:What's he do? Like, I've never really seen, like, what is it that he does? Because I've never seen like, I've seen Mike mad, but I've never seen his his he I need to know so I don't do it.
Danny:Well and so what happens is is, like, you know, there's a path for everybody. Right? And and if you try to cut corners on the path, then and, it's odd. Can you try to cut corners? But if you actually ask to cut the corners, then the professor has to kind of, like Correct.
Danny:Correct. You know? You have to correct them. Mitch, he definitely asks, to ways around, you know, like, no. You've gotta stay in this path.
Danny:Anyway and then he asks again. And then what he'll do is, if he doesn't get the answer he's looking for, he'll go find the answer by asking somebody else,
Tyler:who
Danny:doesn't know that they've already had this conversation. Maybe they give him the wrong answer.
Tyler:Okay. Okay. Okay. So yeah. Just kinda not respecting the
Danny:The hire. The hire. Yeah. Okay. And so, it's not that Mitch does it on purpose, but it's just the fact that, like, it happened.
Danny:Right? Like, it's like
Tyler:a it's like a level of validation. I do. Yeah. Perfect.
Danny:Yeah. And so, there were so many people there. It was it was really cool. We did the barbecue. It's a long day for everybody, and I thought that everybody showed up well.
Danny:Yeah. Everybody showed up to support. Yeah. I think they said 12 black dogs total on
Tyler:the map. Yeah. Sounds about right. It was packed. It was packed.
Tyler:Yeah. There was there was standing room only. It was. And so
Danny:all the families being there and just celebrating, especially the rest of the meals, celebrate camp was was cool. And him and I, like, I we have I'll share a couple of pictures, but we have a hug. We we hugged, and I can just but we're both so happy. Yeah.
Speaker 3:You
Danny:know? And I and I was super ecstatic for him, and, you know, thinking about that whole the next level, the next steps in your journey, how you want things to be, and it's like that that's how I am.
Tyler:It's it's cool. It's interesting. I had an interesting conversation with, with one of the guys, Pearson Ather. After the ceremony, he was like, I hate getting strikes. And I here I am.
Tyler:I got I just got a strike, obviously. And I know there's some, like, record keeping, but there's, like it's always exciting
Danny:when, you know, you put
Tyler:in the work and you want the strike. You have to remind yourself, okay. It was they called you up. I didn't get another strike. They were just recognizing that I got the strike.
Speaker 3:Sure.
Tyler:And I thought, like, that was totally cool. It's great to get that extra recognition.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Not to say that I wasn't like, I didn't want it a little bit. But, like, hey. It is what it is. It's the the mat jujitsu is where I go to work out some of my darkest my darkest things and kinda bring me back into balance. And so Pearson said some interesting things.
Tyler:He's like he's like, I know that I'm getting closer to the end of this journey. And I'm like and he's like, not necessarily that I will stop learning jujitsu, but, like, you
Danny:get to that black belt and you're
Tyler:you think your progress is slow now. Imagine being a black belt, your progress just, like, it's, like, it it's not that it's, like, you're already speaking that language, so it's just it's almost like it kinda comes to an end in a sense. That,
Danny:like, that that
Tyler:you know what I mean?
Danny:The progression forward. Yeah. And the and, like, around your around your waist, you see the progression forward. Yeah. And so that's where, like, a lot of times, I think, like, especially if you race to the black belt, then what?
Danny:My race is not and I tell people this all the time. It's like, my race is to be Mitch's age Yeah. Still being on the mat and still, like, competing
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Danny:Well with my guys and hanging out with my guys and my friends. Because like you said, we go there to work out some of our darkest times and some of our happiest times, some of our brightest times come from, from the clarity, from the media because we are fighters. You and I are both fighters. We fought We fight, for our childhood. We fight for our inner child.
Danny:We fight for the the things that we feel maybe that we were wronged in, but we are fighters. Yeah. We have to fight. If we don't fight, then we feel kind of stagnant. We feel kind of stuck there.
Danny:Yeah. Right? And so, it it really is a kind of, like, how do you approach the next, the next level of that thing because, you know, Mike, Pedro, or or, you know, Pedro, Jeff Curran, all those guys are, man, a 10, 15 plus 20 plus years as a blackjack.
Tyler:Yeah. Well, who was it? Strum Strum? Oh, yeah. Mauricio.
Tyler:Mauricio Strum. Strumowski. Strumowski. He got his black belt in 1980, right, a year before I was born. He'd been a he's been a black belt my whole life.
Tyler:Whole life. My whole life, he has been a black belt. And, I mean, like, we could, like, understanding of the sport and how to how to play the game where I'm just developing it. Sometimes I feel like I'm I'm I'm partly speaking at Yeah.
Danny:A few steps back Yeah. One step forward type situation. Yeah. During the day, you know, the because our podcast came out Friday, a lot of people were coming up to us and talking to us. And I kept getting text messages about, like especially from Preston and his family, you know, like, thank you so much for saying the kind words.
Danny:Thank you. Thank you for what you said. Yeah. For I thought last podcast, we really hit some some some bangers, some some bangers. Yeah.
Danny:We hit some we hit some balls out of the fence. So, like, how you should approach, like, perfect progression and regression. Right? Yeah. And I don't think that you we can see progression so much.
Danny:Yeah. You can see it so much, but you don't give yourself, like, accolades for the fact that you made it through a regression.
Speaker 3:Right.
Danny:Like a back like a backslide. Oh, yeah. You know, you you oh, man, I'm doing so good. All of a sudden, you're like, shit. I'm I'm in the same spot I was a year ago.
Danny:Yeah. And you're like, that's not true. You definitely are in the back to the same place. Your your your leather's a little tougher. Yep.
Danny:You know, your your ability to withstand, the fight is a little bit tougher. Yep. You know, you're able to stay in the round a little bit longer. Yeah. And so we don't give ourselves credit for, for the journey.
Danny:I mean, journey's so long.
Tyler:Yeah. I mean, it's your whole life. Right? It's however many days you get to wake up and say, hooray. The sun came up again today.
Tyler:Right? Like and you're you're absolutely right. Like, we're developing our game, and our game is always always I mean, even as a, you know, a seasoned black belt, your game will change. You always learn more information. And the same is true about life.
Tyler:Right? The the way we approach things, our capacity for understanding, our capacity for tolerance, our capacity to just take another breath when somebody's triggering us is is constantly growing. Right? It's you're you're you're as long as you are aware of that progress and that it's happening, and it's it's when you deny. It's when you say, nope.
Tyler:I'm perfect. I'm done. I don't need to hear you. Like, it's when you start fighting against that. That's when that's when you truly get stagnation.
Tyler:That's when you truly hit. You know
Danny:When you stop growing and stop learning. I think, like, as long as you always keep yourself in a learning capacity, and especially in life, learning, being a better man, being a better person, always learning to, like, striving. Striving. Striving every day. Like, what can I do better?
Danny:Like like us sitting here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to make this equipment work, and the fact of the matter is, like, we're we're gonna persevere. Yeah. Right? We're going to be stronger. We're gonna know the way it's been.
Danny:Right? Yeah. And, we we
Tyler:may only have a a standard definition version on YouTube this week. But, like, yeah. It it I mean, it is what it is. What's important is our message. What is important is telling the story.
Tyler:What's important is is, in this case, like, just the the the building of the habit. Right? Yeah. You'll continuing on with that. Yeah.
Danny:I think, you know, after after everything was said and done on Saturday, you know, there was so much like kind of like Kind of let down. Right? Yeah. You're you're I was tired, mentally drained. I was I had you know, my wife and I, we we weren't quite we weren't quite driving on a couple of
Tyler:things, and, like, I was I was kind of
Danny:in the moment. I was for sure in the moment. I was, like, trying to be there a couple of times, and then I I I feel myself, like, man, I need to check on this thing too. Like, see how things are going. I have this expectation.
Speaker 4:So I have these expectations of of how I expect them to go. You know? And, sometimes I get into this expectation bias of, like, this is the way that I want my path to go and this is how I expect them to go. And if they don't go that way, then I get, like, really, cloudy, clouded judgment and sometimes, like, closed off especially with my wife. And that's kinda where I was at.
Speaker 4:You know, we we didn't quite we weren't quite on the same page with some things that I wanted to do. Mhmm. And so I was like, you know, I'll just, like, avoid the conversation, avoid the conversation, avoid the conversation, and just keep doing my thing and not worry about, like I mean, of course, my wife is gonna do it Yeah. What I like to do. I mean, she's, like, so good to me.
Speaker 4:Mhmm. She's so supportive of everything that I do. But a lot of times, like, I'll just keep going on my path of how I want things to go, and I won't take into consideration or I'll notice way too late that she is not on the same page. You know? And that's kinda what happened over the weekend, and it was kind of unfortunate because I got a little emotional when I re when I actually realized, oh, shit.
Speaker 4:I'm not taking into consideration her, feelings or her needs or her wants because I had put what I wanted ahead of that. You know? Not that I can't or I shouldn't, but it was in the wrong form. You know? And and so I got, really upset with myself, and I really got, like, kind of frustrated that I had missed, some of her signs, some of the signs that she was, not onboard with some things, you know, and and and I think that happens as with couples, you know, like, we've been married for so long that sometimes I'm like, I'm just going to do this.
Speaker 4:Yeah. You know? And I and I lose track of the fact that, she may not be along on the ride willingly.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 4:She's gonna be there for me, you know, and she'll get through whatever we decide, you know, but it may not be we may not be, cohesive at that point. And so, luckily, she gives me passes, you know, and she kinda, gave me a little bit of a pass, but it it definitely opened up my eyes of some some habits that I have of not fully having her engaged in what we're doing.
Danny:You know?
Speaker 4:And I I think I as a man, that's kinda happens. You know, you get I get focused.
Speaker 5:Yeah. I mean, I think there's the the the essence of a man is that we're to drive to our purpose. Sure. And that, like, we can get super focused on those people around us are there just
Tyler:to support our purpose. Sure.
Speaker 5:But, really, we have to make sure that there's resonance, that there's cohesion. Right? Like, I think one of my biggest my biggest complaints about my past relationship was that we were never really on the same team. Right. Right?
Speaker 5:And what does it mean to be
Tyler:on a team? Right. Right?
Speaker 5:It means you're working together to accomplish a a similar purpose or goal. Yeah. Yeah. And and you so you do. You need buy in from the stakeholders.
Speaker 5:Right? For sure.
Tyler:You as a
Speaker 5:couple, your partner as a couple, your children. Right? If your if your children are young and in the house, they they have to kinda buy in. I mean,
Speaker 4:it's And and I think, like, that's kind of where, you know, if you don't notice it right away, a wedge can happen. You know, your wife may be like, yeah, or your partner or your your people, your team may be like, oh, okay. Cool. Yeah. You're gonna do this.
Speaker 4:K. I'm supportive. And then all of a sudden, it's like, okay. Now all we're doing is what you wanna do? Okay.
Speaker 4:Cool. Yep. And then all of a sudden, a wedge happens, and now maybe there's a division. And if you're so focused, so hyper focused, which I can get hyper focused, you may miss signs of the wedge. Right?
Speaker 4:And a wedge has a purpose. Yeah. A wedge has a purpose to make that division wider and wider and wider and how you know, if you're not careful, like, that division can get pretty wide. And I wonder if that happens, with relationships sometimes. You know, you just got the wedge in there so so far, and there's no coming back, no common ground, no collecting yourself and going, hey, same team.
Speaker 4:I seen the funniest thing, and it was the it was like a reel. And it said, it was a guy and his wife, and he said before every vacation, they look at each other and the husband goes, same team.
Speaker 5:Right?
Speaker 4:Same team. Same team. Right? And I thought, that is amazing because it means shit's about to get a little hairy.
Speaker 5:Right.
Speaker 4:We're stress is about to happen, but guess what? You and I are on the same team. And they were and it and I thought to myself, that is so cool. So I'd I'd talked to Misty about that. And, the first day she I could tell she was like, yeah, whatever.
Speaker 4:And, that to me was where I was like, okay. There's some, discrepancies in what we're agreeing on. Right? Right. But we had a conversation yesterday and she said to me, because I was kinda getting a little irritated, she's like, same team, same team.
Speaker 4:And I was like,
Danny:oh, okay. Okay. I got it.
Speaker 4:I got you. Same team. Because I think if you have a common goal, we're on the same team.
Speaker 5:Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. I think it's I mean, how often do you sit down with your partner and and define those common goals and and talk about those common goals? I think that's something I wish I would have done more, and definitely as I go on my own journey and, like, I journal a lot about what did I do wrong, what did I do right.
Speaker 5:Right? I deconstruct and and strip away a lot of the things that I thought I had done wrong that I didn't really do wrong, perhaps weren't necessarily wrong, but, like, you know, were projections from another person. Right? And it it relationships only work as long
Tyler:as both parties are willing to do.
Danny:With you.
Speaker 5:You cannot teach somebody who is unwilling to be taught. I agree. And I think that was one of my big faults is that I always I I was always willing to, you know, be teachable at at points. There's times I wasn't willing to be teachable. Sure.
Speaker 5:Right? Like, we get in we get into our our habits, but, like, there were times too when I was teaching when I could tell that that that the partner that I was with did not did not necessarily wanna be taught.
Speaker 4:Sure. Yeah. And they get, you can tell right away when somebody's kinda like Have you yeah. Okay. I'm good.
Speaker 5:Yeah. Have you ever well, I saw hopefully, you can tell. Like, if you're if you're paying attention to the signs, the the nonverbals. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5:The nonverbals. You gotta you gotta read the body language.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.
Speaker 5:Read the silence. Read the room. Yeah. Definitely.
Speaker 4:So as you, realize when the body language is bad, the everything is, like, not feeling cohesive. Right? Did you have ways to bring things back, or did you would you get mad at that moment because the person wasn't on your team? Because I'll tell you what I do.
Speaker 5:Yeah. I mean, I think sitting back and and looking at it now, right, like, in the spot I'm in now, I don't feel I don't feel like that that that that particular partner was ever really on my team.
Speaker 4:Oh, okay.
Speaker 5:Like, looking like, being able to step back and say, okay. We've, you you know, I I think the mark of a true relationship is being able to have hard conversations and reconcile through them. And it doesn't matter how big that chasm is. That chasm can shrink over time.
Tyler:You know, we gave it
Speaker 5:in a 19 year run, and so there was definitely some times where we were able to come back and repair. But was that true repair? I think each of us lacked the tools to really create true repair in our relationship. And it wasn't until after therapy that I started to develop the tools, therapy and self reflection. And and and it's not to say that neither of us were doing the work.
Speaker 5:I think we were both doing the work, but there was no there was no true desire for each of us to to to reunite.
Speaker 4:Right.
Speaker 5:It was there was one of us that did and one of us that
Speaker 3:that did.
Speaker 4:I understand.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 5:And so yeah. I I think that there were some times, but I don't know that it was true, like, that we were doing the right things. Right?
Speaker 4:When you when you when you feel like that you're on the same team, do you notice yourself being more sensitive towards, the other person? Like, okay. Like, I'm gonna give you a pass because, like, maybe maybe what I'm saying or what I'm doing is coming off the wrong way. Because what I what happens for me is, like, I'll get mad at first. What probably because, like, I'm being, like, egotistical
Danny:Right. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Selfish in my thoughts, selfish in what I'm doing. And then I'm like, okay. You don't wanna be on my team? Cool. Then I'm gonna be pissed for a moment.
Danny:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Then I, like, get like, dang it, Danny. Don't be that kind of a dick. You know?
Tyler:Yeah.
Speaker 4:And then I'll be like, alright. Maybe we can find common ground. Right? And then I can still get the outcome that I would like, or maybe I need to scrap that outcome and find a different way.
Speaker 5:I would say I'm a I'm I'm a 100% the same way. Right? Like, I am on the agreeability scale, like, I'm very agreeable. And so but I also have, you know, that the same big five personality traits I did have. I did rank pretty high on kinda like the narcissistic egotistical side too.
Speaker 5:Right? Yeah. But I mean, part of that is understanding my past and not having resonance with it. I'd be interested to see if I took that test again where I'd rank. But I do feel that, like, I am very empathic.
Speaker 5:Could I always admit that I was wrong? No. That takes a lot of a lot of, ego death, I think, to to get there, especially when, you just feel this this desire to be validated. I think everybody desires to be validated.
Speaker 4:For a long time, you know, the idea was that I didn't know how to apologize.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 4:Right? I'd say, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Speaker 5:Yeah. Right?
Speaker 4:And then in my mind, like, I said I'm sorry or I'm sorry that you didn't understand what I was saying.
Tyler:Right.
Speaker 4:Right? And, like, it sounds in my head like an apology. Yeah. Right? And the outcome was still the same.
Speaker 4:It'd be like, okay. Why are you still upset? I just apologized to you. Yeah. I'm sorry that I got so drunk and acted like a jerk.
Speaker 4:You know that's how I act like drunk. Right. Like, I'm sorry you felt that way. And it's like, wait a minute. Once, once I really started to practice, like, actually being apologetic and being sorry, it did definitely drop some of the, guard in the people that, you know, that I was around or that I was trying to apologize to.
Speaker 4:I still work hard on apologizing. I'm not the best. I know I'm not the best. I know that potentially if, you know, Misty and I, if we have a fight, neither of us are, like, going to go to the table with an apology right away. You know?
Speaker 4:So we could go days without really, like, talking to each other. And I'll just be like, okay. We'll just I love you. You love me. We'll get up tomorrow, and hopefully, it's better.
Speaker 4:Yeah. If it's not, okay. I love you. You love me. Hopefully, tomorrow, it's better.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Until, you know, one of us, you know, sometimes, like, man, my wife is she's great. Because sometimes, like, her guard will break down quicker than mine just because I'm a little bit more stubborn and a little bit more, like, willing to, like,
Danny:bear down.
Speaker 4:You know? And then, you know, an apology will happen. And, man, like, the after you apologize, like, and things mellow out, it's such a relief, but also, like, such an emotional, like, drain. Almost feel like I'm virtually drained.
Speaker 5:I mean, that's the thing about cognitive load. Right? Like, we we we don't really account for this massive grapefruit sized device and inside our skull Yeah. And its ability to devour calories when when trying to solve problems like that. So Yeah.
Speaker 5:I I agree. I'm I'm similar in a lot of ways. I think my mom always told me that I don't want your apology. I want you to change. And I think that there is some some truth to an apology without changed behavior.
Speaker 4:Sure.
Speaker 5:Is is it really an apology? Really an apology. Yeah. You know, I know I know plenty of people who would just never apologize. I know that there are people that that I feel like probably owe me an apology that I've just had to let it go because I know that that person is never going to apologize.
Speaker 5:And what I've come to the realization is actually and that's just more about who they are than than me.
Speaker 4:Yeah. For sure.
Speaker 5:You know? Some people just some people just can't. They can't they can't let their ego be that vulnerable.
Speaker 4:Yeah. It's so funny you say that because I'm such a sensitive guy too. Like, if you don't apologize to me, then I get, like I'm super sensitive about it too also. Like, I get attached to that feeling of, like, wait a minute, man. You're you you did me wrong.
Speaker 3:Why are you not apologizing? And then I'm, like, super sensitive instead of,
Speaker 4:like, okay. Giving that person a then I'm, like, super sensitive instead of, like, okay, giving that person a
Speaker 3:pass or, like, understanding that I
Speaker 4:gave him a pass, you know, or, it's such a funny thing when you grow up, you know, with a single mom because whether you like it or not, sometimes you
Speaker 5:a single mom because whether you like it or
Speaker 4:not, sometimes you have, you know, some of those, feminine what what people would consider, like, feminine feelings. Like, sometimes I can't just let things go. You know? Sometimes I can't just let them go. Sometimes I wanna ruminate, and I wanna, like, talk about them, and I wanna, like, be in the, like, dig and dig and dig and dig instead of, like, just be like, okay.
Speaker 4:Cool. Like, let's move on. You know? And other times, I can be like, okay. Like, we're good.
Speaker 4:You know, I understand.
Speaker 5:You know, I had an I had an experience with my sister-in-law where we were at a family event, and it it really just kind of highlights, like, how some people operate. And, I mean, at this point, I'd probably been in the family about 8 years, and we were at this this family event. We're all staying in the same house. We'd traveled in Colorado up to Steamboat. And, my mother-in-law and my my sister-in-law were sitting at the table just kinda bad mouthing one of the other in laws at the time.
Speaker 5:Okay. And it wasn't the first time I heard it and and certainly not the last time I heard it, but, like, I actually had to, like, stop him and I'm like, dude, this is not fair. This person isn't here to defend themselves. Like, I don't really appreciate it. Can, you know, can you change the subject?
Speaker 5:And my sister-in-law turned around on me and was like, you're not even part of the family. Don't get involved.
Speaker 4:Really?
Speaker 5:And I was just like, cool. I'm ready to go. I'll pack my shit up and and we we can leave.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 5:And, you know, like, every, like, my my mother-in-law was like, I'm sorry. Like, but to this day, I never got an apology from from my sister-in-law. And I don't I don't I don't expect 1. Right? And and and what I do expect is that, like, chances are if she was doing that to one in law, she's doing that to them.
Speaker 5:Oh, sure. And so in a way, I'm kinda like, I'm not that sad. Yeah. I'm not that sad.
Speaker 4:It's crazy how that is. It's because, like, people are people are who they are all the time. Right? You can only put on a facade for so long. Right?
Speaker 4:People are who they are for Yeah. How they are. Right? And I think that expectation bias is where we get ourself into trouble. Like, I expect people to be a certain way.
Speaker 4:I expect things to happen a certain way. And all of a sudden, I could be in this moment of, like, wow. That didn't go anywhere near the way that I thought it was gonna go. And my expectation was for you to treat me the way that I treat you. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Right? And for you to be how I am. And that bias gets us into trouble because people are gonna be who they are no matter what. I also think that, apologies just don't come naturally Yeah. To some people.
Tyler:Yeah.
Speaker 4:They just don't come naturally to some people. Like, you have to work really hard on being apologetic or, like, the way to say you're sorry and not make not make it framed as if, like, it's your fault that I upset you, so I'm sorry about that. Yeah. You know, like Yeah. I think, you know, we want to get to a point as men, you know, and the men that I work with to be, like, to own what you've done, to understand that you're responsible for your own self, and to not have expectations to of people to be how you are.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Right? Yeah. And and while that is the hardest thing that you'll ever do because you'll have an expectation of people to to this is what I'm this is what I would do in that situation. You'll say that. You'll frame it like that.
Speaker 4:And then when they do it completely opposite, it's like,
Danny:wow. Yeah.
Speaker 4:You couldn't be more opposite, and then you get pissed. But it's because you put this expectation on that person to be a certain way that they're just not capable of.
Speaker 5:Yeah. Right? So in that situation, should I was I putting the expectation on, like, my sister-in-law to apologize?
Speaker 4:Like Maybe. Maybe. But I think, like, walking into a situation sorry. Walking into a situation where, you know, puts you on the defense right away. Right?
Speaker 4:Yeah. And then knowing that it's probably happening to you Yeah. Makes you frustrated already. Yeah. I think in the moment, you probably were like, okay.
Speaker 4:What do you say about me?
Speaker 5:I think too yeah. Yes. You're absolutely right. What do you say about me? But and and but at the same time, like, if I had not said something, right, like, that's no different than watching some kid get bullied Yeah.
Speaker 4:For sure.
Speaker 5:And not doing anything. Yeah.
Speaker 4:No. I agree. Now now that is a good way of looking at it too because, like, you have an expectation of yourself. Right. And a responsibility to to do things for yourself and how you expect yourself to respond.
Speaker 4:Right. Right? And I do agree with that. I think, man, you see something wrong, you say something. Whatever happens, don't have any expectations from those people.
Speaker 4:Right? That is not easy. That's something that I've had to work my I work to this day still to not have expectations of people to respond the way that I would respond. Or Yeah. Because, like, at the end of the day, maybe I wouldn't respond that way in that situation.
Speaker 5:Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Maybe my feelings would be like, man, fuck you. Like, I don't care what you say. You know? And Yeah. And maybe that is, is almost like bullshit for me to think that I would respond in a certain way.
Speaker 4:You know? Because I don't know what I don't know exactly how I'll always respond. But it's it's also one of those things where, like, if we were to evolve it back to jujitsu, we have expectations sometimes that just don't happen. Right?
Tyler:Right.
Speaker 4:And if we trust the process, they'll happen when they're supposed to happen. Right? We'll have things will things you'll you'll get progression and you'll get you'll get stripes, you'll get belts, you'll get, a move, you'll get a submission, you'll get, something in that mat because the mat's never gonna lie. Yeah. It's never gonna lie.
Speaker 4:If you're not ready for your belt, the next belt promotion, it's not like you can lie yourself on the it's not like you can lie about it. It'll it'll it'll all show itself. It'll
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Work itself out the way professor says. Yeah. It'll work itself out. And when we think about relationships along with the fact of our jujitsu journey, everything will work itself out if it's supposed to work itself out.
Speaker 3:You know?
Speaker 4:Yep. And if it's not supposed to work itself out, it won't. You can't force it. I can't force a tap. No.
Speaker 4:I can't force things. You know, I'm probably gonna get hurt myself. Yeah. Yeah. You know?
Speaker 4:Gonna get cracked in the jaw by Mitch.
Speaker 5:Right? Or get your lip, I've seen that.
Speaker 4:Was that really a bruise on your lip?
Speaker 5:You know what? I I think, somebody kneed me in the face. Wow.
Speaker 4:If you guys don't know, on Tyler's on Tyler's social media, he has a video where he pulls his lip down and sure as shit, you have a bruise Yeah. On your lip. Yeah. What a weird place to get a bruise. It's like
Danny:a tattoo.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Fuck the world. Yeah. Right? What a crazy thing.
Danny:Yeah. I think, like,
Speaker 4:in in closing, just knowing if the relationship is important. Right? If if the relationship is important, you're gonna put work in it. Yes. If the journey is important, you're gonna put work into it.
Speaker 4:Yeah. And forcing things for your own gratification and your own satisfaction is never going to work out the way that you expect
Speaker 3:it to work out. Now it may work out in a
Speaker 4:certain way.
Speaker 5:It's a recipe for sadness. It's a recipe for sadness. Pleasure. Yeah. You can I mean, the more you force yeah?
Speaker 5:The more you you are going to be disappointed when it falls apart.
Speaker 4:For sure. Because it's not happening. The expectation bias is clouding your your your view. Absolutely. That happened with me with my wife.
Speaker 4:And and, you know, like I said, thankfully, my wife gave me passes.
Speaker 3:We had a big, long conversation,
Speaker 4:and, and,
Speaker 3:you know, we same team
Speaker 4:same team. And, I was, like, so thankful that she gave me a pass because I was in the moment of, like Yeah. Yeah. Screw this. I'm I'm digging my heels, and I'm gonna get what I want.
Speaker 4:I'm gonna get I'm gonna get what I want. And at the end of the day, like, I am getting what I want, and and it is just happiness. You know? And my wife is great to me. You know?
Speaker 4:And I I had to go a couple days of her not talking to me all the way, and I hate that because
Speaker 5:And that that that that there there there's good healthy conflict when you can come to the table and and find resolution. Right? You competence is confidence has grown through competence.
Speaker 4:I agree.
Speaker 5:And when you can competently repair after conflict, like, good for you. I agree. Good for you in that relationship. It's just grown. Right?
Speaker 5:It's like working out a muscle. You do those curls, you tear that muscle Yeah. Yeah. And that big the muscle becomes bigger because it's able to grow I agree.
Speaker 4:Grow together. So I think for the the way that I grew up, I was so afraid of conflict that I avoid it like the plague, because conflict meant, dis we would we would dis everything
Danny:went Disconnection.
Speaker 4:Disconnect. And and also, like, that was it. That was the end of everything.
Speaker 5:It was done.
Speaker 4:It was done. The the relationships were over. You know, if there was conflict in my house, it meant that my dad was leaving. Yeah. You know?
Speaker 5:I think Not
Speaker 4:that my mom was on her own.
Speaker 5:Yeah. Super, super important. You know, we've talked about attachment style perhaps a little bit, but even conflict style. Right? Like, I think there are ways that I've avoided conflicts too by just saying yes to things.
Speaker 5:Had a very similar experience this this last few days talking to my mom about the you know, I hadn't talked to my mom since Nick's
Speaker 4:Oh, his memorial.
Speaker 5:His memorial. She had some she had some things about how she was represented in the podcast and how Uh-oh. I represented the, you know, her and her sisters and, like, obviously, I love her family. They like, her sisters, like, they've they're, like, secondary moms to me. Right?
Speaker 5:So no disrespect. When I say things like it felt more like or it looked more like a, I think one of the things that popped out to her is it looked more like a a wedding than a funeral. And I'm like, that was likely me being just snide and kind
Danny:of snarky.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5:But yeah, you gotta go through those those those conflict and understand that conflict and how you handle conflict. I agree. Yeah. I think keep repeating it the same way.
Speaker 4:No. And talking to your people, having them encourage you to do the right thing. I'll you know, a couple people at the academy knew that I was fighting with Misty. And they were like, k. Did you make up with Misty yet?
Speaker 4:And I'd be like, we're close. And they're like, probably better make up with her because you're a lot happier to be around when when you make up with her. You know? And, it was it was cool. And I like I said, I I I'm so thankful for the academy.
Speaker 4:What it gives me. I'm thankful for the the place that I live in.
Speaker 5:Awesome.
Speaker 4:So just so you know, we got here about an hour and some change ago, and the temperature has dropped a good 10 degrees.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 4:You know, just in the last little bit. I was like, oh, I'm kinda getting a little cold.
Speaker 5:Oh, it's this is how I imagine heaven. It's the best, dude. It's how I imagine heaven. It's just this daylight. It's gorgeous.
Speaker 5:I wanna
Speaker 4:go enjoy it. It. Same. Let's go enjoy it.
Speaker 5:But before we sign off,
Speaker 4:let's talk about some things. So we got, sponsorships. We got Jitsi rings. Jitsi rings, is your progression in your white your your jiu jitsu journey. It's our friends, Mike, Dierston and Duff.
Speaker 4:I don't actually know Duff's first name. I don't remember it. Mike and I talk about it all the time. Well, I just call him Duff. But, their progression, they're gonna give us a code.
Speaker 4:You can go on to our social media handles to get all of these, codes. They'll be on there. You get a percentage off. Sometimes we get something if you buy something, we get something in returns. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Element. Element is a electrolytes where you get salt. It's a salty dog. It's called it just puts salts in your body, but you buy something and we get, whatever you buy, we get one of those that you buy.
Speaker 5:Nice.
Speaker 4:And then a big thing go ahead, Tyler. Let's go ahead and talk
Speaker 5:about biggest thing is, Mayhem on the mat. We have inked a deal with Mayhem on the mat to be official ambassadors, Danny and I. And so you will see links on our social media, not only for all of those things, but to buy Mayhem on the mat merchandise. The the and and one of the reasons we were stoked about mayhem on the mat is that their mission aligned so well with what we are trying to do. We have mayhem in our mind.
Speaker 5:We have chaos in our lives. And those of us that practice jujitsu, we work that out. That's where we work it out.
Speaker 4:I currently have a shirt on right now. I'll kind of turn around. But this is a t shirt and you can see it on there. It's got a cool design with the snake. It's kind of like my tattoo on my back.
Speaker 4:So, it's cool. There's another shirt that we have.
Speaker 5:I got the, this is the your stripes are earned, blue, obviously, because I'm a blue belt. Nice. Little tiger claws on the claws on it. Tons of cool shirts.
Speaker 4:For sure.
Speaker 5:I've highlighted some of the cool things in our shop on our Instagram page, the the the podcast Instagram page. You can check out with the discount code scouts and get 15% off. Nice. Hoodies, sweatshirts.
Speaker 4:Lots of stuff.
Speaker 5:Great stuff for the holidays. Not only you're supporting a good cause, but you're also supporting the podcast, getting 15% off using that that code scouts.
Speaker 4:We're looking for sponsorships. We're looking for, if you're looking to, do some senior pictures, some, some dance pictures, some family pictures, the bus is available. We'll go set it up for you. We'll put up all the the cool, things that we have inside, the guitars. We have all the stuff that we can set up.
Speaker 4:Highlight breathing, if you're looking to learn how to breathe. Tyler's coaching. If you're looking just to get better, life coaching, skills that you can do in your daily life that we just implore you to try to practice. You don't have to change overnight. It could just be just an hour, a minute of change, is impactful.
Speaker 4:Uncomfortable to talk about, but, we want you here. Yeah. I'd rather bear the weight of your tears
Speaker 3:than,
Speaker 5:bury the weight of your of your casket for sure.
Speaker 4:Yeah. For sure. So Appreciate it. Yeah. Appreciate you.
Speaker 5:Okay. Till next time.
Speaker 4:See you guys. Everybody.
