Fighting Shadows: Fathers, Forgiveness & Finding Peace
probably will be on the podcast.
Tyler:And it will. Welcome back.
Danny:We're back. Red button. Right?
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah. We're good. We're good to go.
Danny:Ready to go. Record.
Tyler:We are recording. I know it's getting it's been an interesting year. Obviously, we say that every year.
Danny:Yeah. True. We're just talking about our weeks. Yeah. You had we had some crazy stuff.
Danny:You had a you had a silent retreat.
Tyler:I went on a silent retreat with so my therapist and somebody he's known for a long time who's gone to several South American countries has kind of fallen into this shaman. He he's he's a self self built shaman. Okay. I always see a white dude with red hair. And I think shaman and I'm like, yeah.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Sure you are, buddy.
Tyler:Yeah. Sure you are. Yeah. And and and I don't mean to be skeptical. I mean, I think a lot of that has to do with my religious background growing up.
Tyler:Yeah. You know what I mean? Like anybody can slap on a title. And the more the more, you know, kind of fantastic Yeah. You know, your works are, the more I kind of get a little but it was cool.
Tyler:To sit in silence for forty eight hours or however long we were, it was from basically Friday, 5PM to Saturday, 5PM.
Danny:Oh, wow.
Tyler:No contact with the outside world out in the West Desert.
Danny:It was good?
Tyler:It was good.
Danny:How many people?
Tyler:There was it was a small group and there was eight of us total.
Danny:And you drove your Bronco and slept in the Bronco?
Tyler:Drove the Bronco, slept in the Bronco. They did have like cool little tent sites with the chair set up and I'm kind of regretting I didn't do that. I just pulled the old C card and was like, I don't know that my body will do good on an air mattress. Yeah. Not that it does great in rooftop tent, but
Danny:it's slightly more comfortable. And then they did classes? What did they do?
Tyler:Yeah. So they led us through his little routine. There was like a a portion of breath work.
Danny:Okay.
Tyler:It was I don't know. I fell asleep during the breath work. So Good. I always judge my breath work by like how how I feel after.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Usually is pretty energizing.
Danny:This time you were tired.
Tyler:This time I was tired and I just kinda
Danny:Zonked out.
Tyler:Zonked out. And it's okay. Was I think it was another session. I think I may have been more or less a novelty there. Right?
Tyler:Like before we went silent at five, we had already been silent on our phones for since 02:00. We already started our fast since 02:00, but then we started silent. Like, did introductions.
Danny:Oh. Just kind of
Tyler:be able to tell my story.
Danny:Oh, cool.
Tyler:There's some younger guys there.
Danny:Oh, that's cool.
Tyler:I'm just gonna kinda share.
Danny:And everybody just kind of like, just one twenty four hour
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:Session of no no electronics.
Tyler:No electronics. Just kind of Yeah. Inside the tent, there were 10 cards, like questions for journaling. So wrote a lot in my Got up early for for sunrise. Did sunrise around the fire.
Danny:No Ayahuasca?
Tyler:No. The guy that the guy that the shaman says he does he's used Ayahuasca and mushrooms in his ceremonies.
Danny:Oh, really?
Tyler:He just because my therapist is trying this out, he picked a select group of I think his
Danny:Just his folks. Yeah. His his the people he could really trust on. Yeah. That's cool.
Danny:Yeah. Because I didn't hear from you at all on Friday.
Tyler:I know. I felt bad.
Danny:Men's group.
Tyler:I think I spaced I I was just realizing I spaced men's group on Friday morning. Yeah. I like had such a shitty like, I've fallen into really bad habits. So when you sent the topic for today, was like, that is a good one to talk about. Because I am really struggling.
Tyler:I'm really, really struggling with some things from my past that are just
Danny:Showing up.
Tyler:Showing up.
Danny:Yeah. I was thinking about it today. Like I have a every once in a while, you know, your thought process goes into where, where like some of your traits come from is what I was thinking about. Like, what are my what some of my traits come from. Some of my some of the things that I'm happy about, some of the things that I don't like, you know, the good, the bad, the indifferent types of things, you know, but where do they come from?
Danny:My boys and I were talking about just how, you know, your genetic line and your genetic code, you can't get away from it sometimes. Right? And it's there sometimes, you know, turmoil right now in our country is insane. You know, it's like crazy. It's almost seems like California is a different country.
Tyler:Dude, what's happening in California? Was just saying like my grandparents left the last time the Koreans got on the roof. Yeah. And they're on the roof again.
Danny:I know.
Tyler:It's like '97.
Danny:Makes me so sad. Like makes me like think to myself like, gosh, how lucky I am. I live in this bubble.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:You know, I mean, like, I can imagine driving down the road and seeing what they're seeing. It almost looks it almost looks fake.
Tyler:It really does. Like throwing rocks at cars.
Danny:Rocks and stuff. And like, you see the police cars just sitting there and they're broken and it's like, man, what is going on there? And I think that sometimes that kind of stuff like triggers my emotional state of like, oh, how did you get to a point where you think that that's like, to do, you know, like I get it, man. Protests. I get it.
Danny:Like our country is one where you're allowed to protest, where like things happen and you're like, I don't like what's happening. Right? Mhmm. But to like go crazy like that to me is like, what in the
Tyler:world? Destruction of property never makes sense to me. Yeah. To adult Tyler, to young Tyler, like to young immature Tyler, the destruction of property seemed like a perfectly viable option.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Right? I'm just screwing over these big multimillion dollar corporations.
Danny:Screw them.
Tyler:Screw them. They have insurance. They have the money.
Danny:Yeah. They'll be able to be
Tyler:They'll they'll be fine. And for the most part, they they were. Right? Like, so I guess I I see it. I think as an adult, I'm like, okay, mostly I enjoy my freedoms and I don't think I do good in jail.
Danny:Yeah, yeah.
Tyler:I got a real kissable face,
Danny:I think. Yeah, yeah. I think that my size does not bode well for me. Yeah. I'm definitely gonna be somebody, hey, come sit on my lap.
Danny:Yeah. Like, no, I'm not going to jail. You know, when I was when when we we had after men's group, I ended up going down to Misty's dad's on Saturday. Friday's men's group. Then Saturday, you know, you have I've got one day off and I ended up going and and really doing something really cool with Professor, which was teaching the security, how to do security security, like a security detail, like self defense almost.
Danny:It was wild. Oh, wow. Oh my gosh. I told him, I'm like, what a crazy thing to include me in into that thing because it's self defense on another level. Right?
Danny:So I, you know, it's it's it's it was so cool. The the the little nuances of that kind of self defense and how you're as a security detail, how you control control things, you know? And I was like, yeah, what a crazy what a cool thing to do.
Tyler:What was the thing that surprised you most about, like, maybe the change in tactic?
Danny:Everything was the same. It's line of leverage, T position. But it was like, why? And if I'm if I walk up to a person and I grab them as opposed to like like a woman walks up and gently puts their hand on their elbow. Same concept.
Danny:But your your your spider senses are probably going to be a little bit less active if it's a if it's this nice lady coming up. But she's doing the same thing. Right. She's actually gaining line of leverage by grabbing your elbow and pushing you. And now when you try to react, there's something you go to T position.
Danny:And I was like, woah, this is amazing. Plus all of the weapons stuff and anything that was going anything else on top of that, there was more. There was more to it. There's this there's some some cool techniques and was so lucky to be a part of that. And then, you know, Misty and I went to the lake and then I kind of got a little ahead of myself.
Danny:But then Sunday I went down to see her dad. She had gone down there. Her dad had surgery and gosh, he was he's such an important part of my life. Yeah. To see him on the bed, I was like, man, a little emotional because I don't like seeing him like that.
Danny:We were talking and he was telling me some funny shit. And just just that idea of of being helpless as a man. He was telling me, he's like, you know, I don't know if he's like, I don't know if you know this, but toilets are not built for men. They're built for women to sit down, not men to sit down. And I was like, what do you mean?
Danny:He's like, yeah, like, I can't sit down. Like, it's just it's too low. Oh. It's too low. And and his back, you know, he had back surgeries.
Danny:Yeah. Yeah. It's too low. He's like, I I feel like I can't go. And I'm like, oh, I never even
Tyler:thought about was gonna say, has he ever tried to take a shit standing
Danny:up? Well
Tyler:I get the low. I get the low. I I didn't realize that there was a difference until I actually moved to Utah. And whoever owned our house must have been real big because the toilets like my feet were dangling.
Danny:Was like,
Tyler:that's You got the extra large toilet.
Danny:That's the way to go. Yeah. Yeah. He had to buy like this other thing to to help him to help it so that he could, he could sit comfortably. Yeah.
Danny:But I was thinking about like how, how helpless you would feel, you know, you would feel in those instances as you get older, you know, and he was telling me something funny. He was just, he was like a little lucid and a little talkative and sleepy and at the same time, a little drugged up and he was just making me laugh. Then, it was a, it was, it brought a lot of, like, ideas of to me of like my childhood and like how my childhood shaped who I am today. Right? And and then there's these traits that I that every once in a while show themselves, you know, and I'm like, man, where did that come from?
Danny:You know, I don't apologize well. You know, I don't I don't apologize well. I fight. I'll fight and I fight hard if I need to fight. Like I'm like fighting hard to fight, you know?
Danny:And so I started to like think a little bit about those those ideas. I listened to a Columbine podcast. I don't even know why it just came up on my feed And oh my gosh. Talk about
Tyler:Some wackadoos. Did you did they read his manifesto? The They did
Danny:read his manifesto. It was more of like
Tyler:Summarizer.
Danny:Some of the kids that had had there was the kids that had that that had survived.
Tyler:Oh, oh.
Danny:Some of the people that had survived and oh my gosh. Talk about talk about a little emotional. I was trying to think I was it was 97 when that happened.
Tyler:99. 98.
Danny:I think it was 97. You should Google that. That's a good thing to Google.
Tyler:Well, I mean, because I was a junior in high school. It would have been '98, '99.
Danny:'99, you think?
Tyler:I thought so.
Danny:Maybe it
Tyler:was I thought it was Oct or excuse me, 04/20/1999.
Danny:And I thought it was 04/20/1997. But
Tyler:Either way.
Danny:Either way. Let's I'll let's Google it. We'll And then yeah, I was trying to put myself back in that position where I was at. '98. April twentieth of ninety eight, I was in the military.
Danny:I thought about that today. Was in basic training. So wouldn't have been it would have you're right. It's either '97 or '99. I'm not sure which one it is.
Danny:I would try to put myself there. Yeah. I try to put myself in that position of what those kids went through and
Tyler:As as the reactive kids to yeah. It's interesting because Jordan Peterson has you've you can hear him talk about the actual Dylan and what is the other kid's name?
Danny:Dylan and
Tyler:Whatever. They're they're relatively unimportant at this point. We don't yeah.
Danny:Yeah. It's funny how they people talk. When people talk, they're like, yeah, these guys don't even that doesn't matter.
Tyler:But he's he talks about them and specifically some of the things that that like psychologically that they wrote. Like he makes a big deal about the manifesto and how people should go back and read his manifesto because it's probably one of the more potent pieces of I think it was Dylan Klebold
Danny:Yeah. I think you're and Eric Harris. Oh, yeah. You're right. I think that's their names.
Danny:Yeah. And Sounds familiar.
Tyler:Yeah. They said I think it was Dylan Klebold's diary where he talks about them. Yeah. Like about like killing them and like what he's gonna do to them. And he's like, this is you see very similar writing and like, you know, high ranking Nazi officials and like how they talk about them.
Tyler:They're not people.
Danny:Yeah. Yeah. They're not the people. Yeah. You grew up in how far from Littleton were you where did you do you know?
Tyler:I mean, there's so many high schools in that kind of suburban Yeah. But they were part of yeah. They were part of Littleton School District. They weren't far. We had teachers come.
Tyler:We would, you know, that we would play them and they were like in our conference. Weren't they weren't far. The scope of things, my former sister-in-law went to a rival high school in the same district.
Danny:Okay.
Tyler:King Carl. She would have gone yeah. Could have gone to Columbine as well, I guess, depending on where they
Danny:Oh, where they lived?
Tyler:Where they lived.
Danny:Yeah. Just the idea of like, you know, put, you know, like I said, just some of those things shaped, they shaped us. You know, I was out of high school at that point, but it definitely shaped, it definitely shaped our lives of like, Oh yeah. Knowing that they, what they actually like, you know, their, their, how to get to that level of like, like you said, like they're just, they don't see people as people, you know, they're turned off from that kind of a thing. And it's funny because like for me as in, because because of January, you know, it's men's mental health.
Danny:There's so many times where you're like, man, how did that person get to those places? You know, how did they, what, what character traits of their life or their genetic code got them to where they're got them to that point, you know? And and then you look at your own children sometimes and go, oh my gosh, my kids are my kids are okay. You know, they're not they're crazy as shit, but but but our genetic code is okay. Like, we don't have any kind of like glitches in our genetic code.
Tyler:Right. And what are the signs? Like, what are the signs that that kind of stuff is happening? Because I can see a learned pattern of helplessness getting you to a point of of depression. Right?
Tyler:They
Danny:talk a little bit about, I guess, the Dylan the Dylan kid. He was a he was like a follower. He didn't have very many friends and he Yeah. And that Eric Harris kid, you know, was looking for kids to do this with and just got lucky and found this, this kid that was all in like him, you know. And, you know, I again, like my, my, my childhood, there were some things in my childhood that shaped me, you know, my, you know, what's even funnier is that me and my brother, same dad, but because of because of my age and our age gap, my brother didn't go through the same things that I went through with my dad.
Danny:You know, my when I was older, you know, but my dad was drinking a lot and I know why I fight so hard sometimes. You know, it's like when I was a kid, he wouldn't have gladiator fights with me and my friends. Him and his buddies would get drunk, you know, and then he would have me and my friends fight. You know, was probably like five, six years old when that's the time I can remember fighting. You know?
Tyler:When your father is your superhero.
Danny:Yeah. And he's like, you should fight. And it's like, okay. And I remember one time I fought this kid. I say fight, but it's, I mean, it wasn't even like, I mean, I just kicked the shit out of him.
Danny:He was my friend, but my dad and his buddy got drunk and, and I remember me and him fighting and this kid was so afraid. He was so afraid. He scratched me really bad on my face as I was as we were fighting. And I remember like, remember thinking this is not fun, you know, and I was young, young, young, you know, and yeah, my for the longest time I would be like, my dad would be like, no, you fight, you fight, you fight, you be the one to punch. You be the person to do that kind of a thing, you know?
Danny:And those character traits, like I steal sometimes, like, you know, I fight to the death sometimes, you know, with with that with that. And I think that that little tiny trait, you know, it was something that I had to like really fight to not do to my own boys. Sometimes people would be like, hey, woah, woah, woah, you're being a little rough on your boys. I'm thinking, you don't even know what rough You
Tyler:have no idea.
Danny:Yeah. I mean, the way that I grew up, I mean, this is pretty soft compared to what the way that I grew up.
Tyler:It sounds intense.
Danny:It was really it was crazy. Like, mean, like, when I tell you, like, it would be like in a room like this and his friends would be sitting around me and my me and the kid me and a kid would be fighting. Sometimes it wasn't even a kid that I knew. Just just some kid that they find and I'd fight I'd fight that kid. I was young.
Danny:Like I said, I mean, I was probably like, you know, my dad maybe like from five, six, seven, eight. I remember the playground fighting. It kind of shaped my life. Like when I was in grade, this is even crazier. When I was in grade, we had gladiator fights in the bathrooms and you'd go to school and they'd say, hey, Danny, it's your day to day.
Danny:Make sure you go to the bathroom at like this time. And you'd go in there and
Tyler:whoever else is in
Danny:there, there'd be a fight. And one day it was one of my really, really, really good friends. And I had a hard time fighting him, but he didn't. And that kind of caught me off guard because we were really good friends. But, yeah, it was my day to fight and I fought in in the bathroom.
Tyler:That's crazy.
Danny:Then later on, my my cousins my cousins and I, we grew up together. We same thing. Like, we fought they we fought we would go in the bathroom and just pick a random kid and one of my cousins would fight him for for just like no reason. And sometimes, man, those kids would be, you know, you'd get like I'd I'd get this feeling of like guilt because those kids did not want to fight. Yeah.
Danny:You know, and they're they're in there crying and stuff. And my cousins are, you know, kicking the shit out this And I had to fight really hard not to have those same tendencies with with my boys.
Tyler:So back up a because I think we've all probably experienced this. But do you do you recall specific behavior from when you were a child that your dad would do and you'd be like, I'm never doing that?
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:And then waking up someday as an adult or like stopping yourself mid behavior as an adult and you're like, shit, that's the same I know. Thing my dad did.
Danny:Well, I think
Tyler:I told
Danny:you this. My dad is name we have the same we we go to the same thing. Right? Your dad's name is your dad's name is Douglas and my dad, his name is Danny. Yeah.
Danny:Yeah. And they call my dad Big Danny. Uh-huh. And they call me Little Danny.
Tyler:Okay.
Danny:And, yeah, there's times when I'll say something and I'll be like, oh my god. I sound just like my dad. Yeah. You know? And I'll do something.
Danny:I'll, you know, I'll say or do something and my brothers and sisters will be like, oh my god, you sound like just like dad. And I'll be like, the fuck? Do not say that about me.
Tyler:I I wonder. Right? Like, because I know plenty of men and humans in general that have like, being like their dad is not necessarily a bad thing. No. And I wouldn't say that being like my father is necessarily a bad thing.
Tyler:He's made a lot of poor decisions. He's had to own them. Yeah. And I've been very blessed to learn via negativa. Like by watching him, he's filled in a lot of blanks for myself.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:And I think I've gone through a significant period of time where, yeah, I didn't want to be like that. I don't want to be like that. I don't think he wanted to be like that. Yeah. But I always tell my children and I think this is true for my father that like, I mean, he only could give me what he had.
Tyler:It's his level of education. Yeah. And and a lot of that is is is is broken or stuck in a very childhood state. And so I've had to like tell my children like my floor is or my ceiling is your floor. Like you are going to take off from wherever I'm at.
Tyler:You're going to inherit these traits no matter what, whether you like them or not. Like there's going to be some learned behavior. We've spent enough time together. Some bad habit or good excuse me, good habits gonna sneak through. Right.
Tyler:Excuse me. I got the I been on and off pills and like I started back on one of them that gives me the worst heartburn.
Danny:Oh, no.
Tyler:I'm so over it.
Danny:Yeah. But
Tyler:yeah, I think I I think that quite a bit. What I take away from my childhood, like traits that I don't necessarily like about myself. I've noticed this week, writing shit down. I've gotten out of the habit of writing shit down so I'm missing stuff. Oh.
Tyler:I damn near missed a wedding today.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Had I completely forgot. I missed men's group. You'd send out the text messages, you send out the text messages and like it was like, when did I realize? Probably when you texted me on Saturday, I was like, oh, shit. I spaced it.
Tyler:There was no reason that I could not make it other than the fact I just forgot to write it down and I didn't
Danny:go. Right.
Tyler:And that's just a bad habit that I've got I got as a kid. I learned it in school. And so I wouldn't say that any of these traits that I've picked up are necessarily directly correlated to my parents. But I would say that they may be correlated to the situation as a whole. Like the fact that I'm a bad student, the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in kind of some fight or flight, the fact that I don't really trust very easy.
Tyler:It takes a long time to get in.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:Even wanting a bigger family like I came from a very broken home. I was always jealous of the families that had, you know, big family gatherings. Right. Those I think are things that have held me back for sure as an adult and I had to work really hard to kind of overcome some of that that behavior.
Danny:Yeah. And as men, you're, you know, we talk about this a lot and I know people know this, like, you're not given tools to deal with some of the baggage bullshit that that that you bring to the table. Right? It really does really, really, really does boil down to, are you willing to address some of these things that you're just you're you're just given. Right.
Danny:You know, like you don't have a choice. Like you're just given these things. Like we talked about, like, like you say something or you do something, you're like, fuck, I sound just like my dad or I sound you know, there's lots of things that I would man, if you said if you said, man, you sound like your dad, I would it would ruin my day. Yeah. It would ruin my day.
Danny:It would ruin me. Yeah. And back in the day, like back, you know, maybe ten, fifteen years ago, it was everything I could do to not be a single ounce like my dad. And if something came through, man, I would be, I would be bummed for, I would be, you know, heartbroken. Yeah.
Danny:If Misty and them sometimes said, God, you sound like your dad. I'd be like, that would I'd be heartbroken because it I have so many bad and negative connotations about my dad, you know? And then and then there's like sometimes when I'm like, oh, I'll remember something. I'll be like, oh my gosh. Yeah.
Danny:And it will be with my dad. It would be a it would be like a really cool experience with my dad, you know? Yeah. One thing that I one thing that, you know, my dad and I never my dad and I never tell each other that we love each other. Never.
Danny:It would never. Like, know, if if if I tell my dad I love him, it's it tastes weird, you know? But my boys and I, every day, all day, a 100 times a day, I will tell my kids that I love them. Yeah. Because it's something that I think, like, I long for it.
Danny:Because I tell you, I I I get a, like, gross feeling if my dad and I say, I love each other. It's it's the weirdest thing.
Tyler:It'd be one of those weird, awkward moments.
Danny:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hugging or anything like that. Like, you know, I mean, I don't remember the last time.
Danny:Yeah. I don't see my dad very often.
Tyler:You don't?
Danny:You know? But my boys and I like we hug all the time. You know, we talk all the time and it really was a valid point. And I think some of those traits, like some of those things you can you can write. Like you said, there's holes, you know, in your story and you're like, can fill that hole.
Danny:And there's other times you're just like, man, it's just part of who I am, you know?
Tyler:Yeah. I think Carl Carl Jung, the, you know, the early psychologist called it your shadow work, right? Like, there's a lot of these personality traits. There's a lot of these subconscious behaviors we don't outrightly see. Because we've grown up with them, We've become kind of face blind to them.
Tyler:I think one of the greatest ironically, one of the greatest invitations I ever got from a former partner was the opportunity to kind of look at my shadow and like just accept it. That accept that it's there.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Acknowledge that it's there. And it and it at it felt really really uncomfortable because I'm having to admit that I'm flawed.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:And my ego doesn't wanna be flawed. Yeah. Yeah. I wanna be perfect. Yeah.
Tyler:And so this person invites me to do it. Even though the fact they can't do it themselves.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Right? You now have to you now have you now gain this accountability to self awareness.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:Just to pay attention. And just to just pause for a moment and say, how, what did I just do? How did I behave?
Danny:Right.
Tyler:Is it how I want to be represented?
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Is there a pattern, a repeating pattern here that I need to I need to change? Sure.
Danny:Yeah. And and assessment in that instance, right? Assessment is really a journey of a journey in itself. Right? Because like, again, like, you know, to do the work, like we talk about, to do the work requires constant assessment.
Tyler:It requires you to really get uncomfortable.
Danny:For sure.
Tyler:You're going to walk through some hell. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. There's no way not to.
Tyler:Yeah. Can rebrand it and you can say, ah, this is a nice sauna day
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Here in hell. I'm learning and I can be grateful for this wisdom. And I think it helps you move through it. And and you're right. There are some traits where you just you won't Yep.
Tyler:You won't change it. But being aware of it, being aware of the triggers, being aware of is it positive or negative allows you to address it.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:But yeah, you you have to have that really kind of uncomfortable conversation with yourself. And you have to be in a in a spot where you can say, yeah, it's me. I screwed up. I it's on me. What can I do better?
Tyler:Yeah. What is this? What if this is learned behavior? What if this is, you know, something new I've picked up along the way?
Danny:Yeah. I think for myself, even sometimes, like, I'm so trapped in self preservation or self protection, you know? Which is probably why I don't apologize very well because I'm in self protection and self preservation. Right? I'm like only worried about like my personal feelings and you seeing me as weak.
Danny:Which again comes back to this like to to trying to prove myself sometimes when I was younger that I was not weak, you know, to my father, to my dad. Yeah. Again, like I said, my little brother, we'll about these things. My brother and I will talk about these things and he'll be like, your childhood was so different than mine, you know? And my brother is very strong.
Danny:You know, he's very tough. But and it's like, he didn't go through the same things as me, but there's sometimes where there's like, our traits will like line up and it'll be like, and he'll and it'll be like, how the hell does he feel that way? You know, he doesn't. Yeah. But it's some trait, you know, it's some something, some genetic line where you're like, oh, we just we just linked up.
Tyler:Right. So that yeah. You could you could even say something like, who's the who's the tougher fighter? Nick or Nate Diaz?
Danny:Yeah. Yeah. You don't know?
Tyler:I mean Yeah. Yeah. They're both gonna tune me up. I'll tell you that much. I know that much if I if I crossed them wrong.
Danny:They're both crazy as shit.
Tyler:They're both crazy as shit. Who's the top they they probably Yeah.
Danny:Have a
Tyler:lot of same the same past, but I bet one of them one of them is going to be that that
Danny:Stand out.
Tyler:That brother that, you know, doesn't feel any remorse for tuning the guy up in the bathroom. Whereas the other the other May, there's going to be some some variance there.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:For the most part, they're they're they're pretty badass. Couldn't tell you personally who it is, who's tougher. Right? Like I couldn't. I couldn't.
Tyler:I'll let them figure that out. They can let me know what I should say. Yeah.
Danny:There's also like this this sometimes you get these longings, like I just was saying, like longings to and jealousy sometimes rears its head if you see something, you know, like be like, man, I wish I had that. I wish I could be like that. Yeah. I wish I could, you know, have some of these traits of like because sometimes, like, I'm so lost in, like, emotions and, like, willing to fight to the death, you know, that I'm that I forget to be kind, you know? And if you see somebody be kind, you're like, oh, man, I could have done that, you know?
Danny:But why didn't I? Why why why didn't I why didn't I like be nice to that person? Yeah. Why did I have to be an asshole in that moment?
Tyler:Right.
Danny:You know? And I wonder sometimes if men who can't look inward or can't figure that out, you know, if that's where they, if that's where the glitch starts to happen and then they just start to like resonate and then they just start to self sabotage. And the next thing they know, they're down this deep, dark hole and there's no coming out of it.
Tyler:I'm with you except for I'm going to twist it on its ear a little bit and say there is probably a class of people where it never crosses. They like, they think they are God's gift.
Danny:Yeah. You're right.
Tyler:They are completely to their core sociopathic or narcissistic.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:They've done nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. They never will do anything wrong.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:You know, they will certainly point out your flaws.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:They will certainly call you out on your flaws, they will never address theirs. They don't have any.
Danny:And man, imagine doing that to the wrong guy who already is beating himself up, you know. Again, like I said, I I'm, you know, in my mind, I sometimes think like,
Tyler:excuse me.
Danny:Poor guys, like some guys, like like, you know, we have friends where you're like, gosh, man, like, just want to give that guy a hug Yeah. On a regular basis and be like, bro, you are fine, man. Like, you are so okay. Yeah. You know, you are so good.
Danny:Yeah. And and like you said, when like on weeks when you're like in the shit and you can't even give yourself a hug, how are you? How are you? You know, your pseudo self in that whole week to try to
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:Just to try to get by.
Tyler:Well, yeah. And I think you're absolutely right. I think I benefited from and I'm not saying this is the answer for everybody, but I've definitely benefited from my own therapy where my own therapist was like, write down a list and it start with 10 things you can do that are you would consider self care. And fall back on that list when you're feeling crappy. Right?
Tyler:If you're feeling crappy and your list has, you know, go for a walk, you go for a walk.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:Or whatever whatever it is. And so you you start to understand and you start to see what are my triggers? What are the triggers? And when I start recognizing those triggers, what do I put in place? It's, you know, it's practice those things until they become muscle memory.
Tyler:Right. That's the work we're asking people to do. Right? You probably have a protocol at work. Somebody's coming in at the wrong altitude and they're at a certain distance from the airport.
Danny:What do
Tyler:you do? Right? There's a protocol I'm sure. Right? You reroute them and they've got to get back in the queue or whatever.
Tyler:Right. Right? And it becomes muscle memory. You just tell them they know shit, whatever screwed up. They got to do it over again.
Danny:Right.
Tyler:You know, so start start looking at those protocols. What are those protocols? More importantly, start journaling your your your triggers, you know, and and sadly, triggers likely will be called out by your friends, your closest relationships, your children. They're gonna poke on them. They're gonna trip on them.
Tyler:They're not gonna understand that they're triggers. Sure. They may it may be a pattern of fighting that you you you see that that represents itself in in your relationship, but like start noting those things down. Start noting what feelings are going through your body. Start connecting the thought with somatic, the emotion in your body.
Tyler:That's why I love breath work. Right. It clears out a good, a good breath work instructor gets both the somatic and the mental in one foul swoop. And that's why breath work is better than meditation.
Danny:Sure. Right. Yeah. Because meditation, you're going to get lost in that in the thoughts, but then your thoughts could go down. Like you can sometimes when you're meditating, you can't really control your thoughts because it starts to just start to go.
Danny:Mhmm. But with breath work, you can kind of bring yourself back to the middle again and be like, alright, I'm just gonna focus on my breath. I'm not gonna focus on the bullshit that's going on in my head. No. Yeah, you're right.
Danny:And also, like, opening up and talking about things helps. It does help. Like, like therapy therapy is just another way of, like, opening up and talking to a comfortable to a person that may not have a vested interest. Right. Cause sometimes like, let's say like, you're my good buddy and I'm in a moment and I'm grumpy and irritated and you're like, no, Danny, you're great, but you're not calling me out on my bullshit or what, you know, therapist is like, hey, man, this is where you need to be a little bit better because they're not they're not a cheerleader.
Danny:They're just there to to kind of help you and guide you in that moment. Right. Finding positive influences around to keep around you. Oh yeah. You know, somebody that didn't somebody that tells you how great you are all the time and doesn't tell you, you kind of got this irritated, you know, this thing that you need to work on.
Danny:Yeah. Maybe just a cheerleader, you know? Yeah. And Excuse me, man. I also think that like understanding your job or the role that you need at that day or that time.
Danny:Right. Working on those things that, that, that, that you suck at, you know, I've been really working on trying to apologize a little bit better to people, you know, and, and not having any idea of what you should do or how you should feel with my apology. Just apologizing and being okay with just apologizing, you know. And those moments are really hard. Yeah.
Danny:Especially for somebody like me, you know, like who doesn't apologize at all. Yeah. Apologize to miss Steven and the boys, you know? Sure. But for the most part, like, man, I probably have to practice them because they don't come naturally to me, you know?
Danny:Right. I think what some of it is is I just think we'll both get over it. Yeah. You know, even if I say some fucked up things to you. Yeah.
Danny:I'll be like, we'll eventually both get over it, you know, and sometimes I don't know if that's the case. I don't know if like, you know, people get over it or if they just are like, I'll deal with Danny, but fuck Danny.
Tyler:Well, I mean, maybe that is getting over it. Right? Like, you know
Danny:I am kind of putting my own personal context of like, oh, I want you to forgive me. Please forgive me. Instead of just being like, oh, maybe that you did get over it.
Tyler:Yeah. Maybe they did get over it and you're not talking to those people anymore.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Yeah. Mean, I wear the same thing about me too. I I always think I'm funnier in my head than oftentimes the shit that comes out of my
Danny:mouth. Yeah.
Tyler:So I'll tell things that I'm like, I was really funny in my head, but can kind of be offensive or Christ. I should
Danny:have said that. I should have kept that in my mouth.
Tyler:Yeah. I can't believe my inside voice got out again. Sorry, everybody.
Danny:That's funny.
Tyler:But I mean, I'm the same way as well, right? Like, I think intrinsically I want people to like me. It's caused me to prostitute myself and sign up for things I don't often do but or want to do or, you know, hang on to relationships probably longer than I should. Sure. But I think we're all we're all in this journey.
Tyler:Right? We're on this journey and it lasts our whole lifetime. However long we're granted. Some of us are granted longer than than others. Life is meant meant for joy.
Tyler:I truly believe life is meant for for joy. It's not all about being on this constant trudge of self improvement. Well, it's good. You got to spend some time to stop and smell the roses. Thank you, Ferris Bueller.
Tyler:Yeah. You know, you've got to take some time to just say, you know what? I'm doing better today than I was yesterday.
Danny:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Tyler:You know what I mean? Like, you are constantly telling me to be kind to myself. Yeah. And I think it's true. You really do need to be kind to yourself.
Tyler:Yeah. And if you're not a 100% all the time, it's okay. It's okay to have a cheat day. Yeah. It's okay to start over.
Tyler:Yeah. It's okay to backslide and figure out. Man, I feel like so much of my life recently has been back to where I was three years ago.
Danny:Right.
Tyler:You know, so I'm am I'm working on being kind to myself. I'm working on new things. I am really just trying to push out gratitude. Gratitude and a little bit of self control. So that inside voice doesn't come out.
Danny:Come out. Yeah.
Tyler:But but gratitude for sure. It always seems to be the right soil, right the right mixture to get me through.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:To get me through things.
Danny:Yes. Seeing appreciate, you know, seeing the seeing, like you said, seeing the world for what it really is. Yeah. And being grateful. Yeah.
Danny:For what we have. Right. Especially like, like I said, man, we live in Utah, bro.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:It is like, dude, an 85 degree day in Utah. Yeah. No clouds. I don't know if there's much out there that you're like, dude, could it get any better?
Tyler:You took me on that run and I did end up sleeping the rest of the day. No, that's right. But Yeah. The run was like the whole time. Danny's like, this is gorgeous.
Tyler:And I'm like, yes, I'm just looking at my shoes so I can get the next step. But it was. There was not a single moment on that mountain where I we were I we weren't completely surrounded by
Danny:Just happiness. Happiness. Even the people.
Tyler:I kind of like, I don't know what's going on. It's like dry. I kinda gotta sneeze.
Danny:Your nose was making weird. It was starting to do the the the
Tyler:Yeah. It's there's one there's one loading up in the chamber. We'll save the people from that, though.
Danny:See. Yeah. Like, and that's kind of like, you know, the whole idea of acceptance of who you are, right? Accepting who you are. Because like, I do accept who I am.
Danny:I do accept the fact that sometimes my emotions get the best of me. And I was talking to Mike about this yesterday that like, you know, I'm people know when I'm when I'm when I'm in a little bit of a mood. Right? I don't I don't mask those very well. But I also don't let myself off the hook sometimes in that moment.
Danny:Right? Yeah. Man, if I, you know, if I'm grumpy, my kids know. If I'm grumpy, my wife knows. And I'm not, like I said, I'm not the best of like acknowledging those things in that moment.
Danny:But going forward, you know, I try to just remember that like some of those genetic code things, man, like you got to be so helpful, so grateful and so appreciative of, because I think that it shapes who I am, you know? I am grateful for my dad, you know. I am grateful for my dad. I know that sometimes it may seem like I'm like, you know, talking down about my dad. I am grateful for him.
Danny:I'm grateful for for the things that like I have, for the traits that I have, for the fact that I'm my last name is Elcana because, you know, I wear that like a badge of honor, you know? And then there's things that I, that you, like you said, just those things that I just, I'm like, I don't really want to be like that. So it's a hole I got to fill, you know? Yeah. But I acknowledge it.
Tyler:Some days it's there. And that's and sometimes it's the best you can do. Right? Like we do as as sons, we put our fathers on a pedestal. Yeah.
Tyler:We put our fathers on a pedestal. Even if they're man, how many kids like the old trope, the Simpsons trope, there's Nelson Munson who's like the bully kid in the Simpsons. Right? He's the Yeah. Right?
Tyler:He's always waiting like his for his father to come back. Right? Like Yeah. It does not matter. Like, we are infinitely forgiving as as sons to to our fathers.
Tyler:Like, we we want a relationship. We're desperate for that that male relationship in our in our lives. And and, you know, we get what we get at the time. And hopefully, we're able to metastasize that getting into wisdom, whether it's good or whether it's bad. If as long as we turn it into wisdom, you know, that that means we have a stronger understanding of who we are.
Tyler:And that's that's what we're going for. Right? A stronger understanding of what we're going for.
Danny:Yeah. What you got What you got coming up? You said you're going to Colorado.
Tyler:I am. I'm literally thinking I'm going to get in the car now. This thing comes up tomorrow and I'm a little bit hesitant. Yeah. I'm a little bit hesitant to to go but I got to get out there for Saturday by 07:30
Danny:What's going on?
Tyler:In the morning. I'm going to tap out the Tap Out Cancer Junior's
Danny:That's it.
Tyler:That's it. I was gonna go hang out with my nephews there in Mexico. So part of it is just giving myself the experience of doing You're
Danny:volunteering at the Tap Out for Cancer.
Tyler:I'm volunteering to run a table at
Danny:Tap Out for Yeah.
Tyler:Yeah. So What is it called? Tap Out Cancer? Tap Out Cancer. Right?
Danny:Tap
Tyler:Tap Yeah.
Danny:Tap Out Cancer.
Tyler:Whatever Craig Jones got himself involved in.
Danny:Yeah. He gets himself into some fucked up things.
Tyler:Yeah. When he was their biggest donor last year.
Danny:Really? Yeah. So where's it at in Denver?
Tyler:It's in Denver. It's right where I grew up in my old stomping grounds. Wow.
Danny:So you gotta be what time is the tournament start?
Tyler:Tournament starts at eight. I gotta be there at 07:30.
Danny:I know. Dang. And then are you hauling ass back on Sunday?
Tyler:I think I think I'm going to depending on when the tournament gets over, I'm probably just gonna hit the road after the tournament.
Danny:No way. That's kind of
Tyler:what I'm thinking. Wow. Leave leave I I wanna leave tomorrow during the day because I wanted to stop in like Strawberry. Oh. Or not Strawberry.
Tyler:Excuse me. I want to stop in Steamboat. Go out past Strawberry.
Danny:Okay.
Tyler:Stop in Steamboat. I can work from anywhere.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Yeah. I did a really good job working from the hospital. I'd like to maybe do that from this your
Danny:last week? Do you start everything back up?
Tyler:So one more week after this.
Danny:One more week.
Tyler:Yeah. So that's the other reason I'm going. Okay. I'm not tethered to anything. I haven't had kids in three weeks just the way things have shaken shaken out.
Tyler:Yeah. And so I'm like, I might as well at least get out of here for a weekend.
Danny:Oh, cool. So That'd be cool.
Tyler:Part of it was like Colorado's safe. I know people. There's people out there that wanted to travel to Utah for a while I was in the hospital. They didn't get to see me. So
Danny:And the boys are in Mexico?
Tyler:Boys are in Cancun right now.
Danny:What the heck?
Tyler:I know. I told them I'm driving out there to fart on their pillow. I said, I'm gonna fart on your pillow.
Danny:Yeah. Good. They deserve that. Yeah. Yeah.
Danny:Good. And that'll be fun.
Tyler:Yeah. And then I'm hoping to get back for I'll get right back into it. We'll be camp time. Yeah. What about you?
Tyler:What about you got going on? You got camp a little bit?
Danny:Yeah. We got sponsorship stuff. Still working on sponsorships, working on trying to get the fights, all the fight fees covered for the spiders. Got a couple of things that I've couple of avenues that I'm working on. A couple of Vivint, really trying to get Vivint to to donate to to the cause.
Danny:A couple of the business guys working on. Yeah. That that that honestly, we're we're just working hard. Know? Misty and I both are working hard, really, really, really working hard.
Danny:Yeah. I did talk to my union guy. As of now, I'm going to stay another year. Okay. In the, in the, in the middle, in the FAA.
Danny:Stay one more My plan was to retire in May of next financial plan. That was the goal was to get through this winter and then retire in May. If that's the case, I'll just work another year. I'll just work till December and then make a decision then. Right now I feel like that, you know, we're going to stay anyways.
Danny:Yeah. I'm to stick it out. And then we have
Tyler:I keep waiting for that day. Danny's going come down here. Oh yeah, I retired.
Danny:Yeah. Today's the day.
Tyler:I'm retired.
Danny:I know. You know, I man, I I had some up and down days of like, what would my life look like retired? You know? If I'm going to work, I might as well go to the I might as well go down and do air traffic control.
Tyler:What you know best. Yeah.
Danny:Know, I might as well stick with I've I've talked to a couple of people and and they're they're they're they were their ideas, they work till 60 till they work until they're 65, you know. They were so stoked to think that I could work till I'm 55, 57 thinking that holy shit, you know, most people have to work till they're 65, know. You're retire. Here I am at 47 talking about retirement, you know? Yeah.
Danny:And so man, I talked to Corey today. That guy. We're gonna FaceTime the next time because, know, he's on his boat now. Yeah. And it's really cool what he's doing.
Danny:It's really cool what he's doing. But he also said, I can't believe I'm giving up what I gave up, which is, you know, the academies. Yeah. His his comfortable lifestyle, you know? Yeah.
Danny:He's over in Florida right now going to different academies, trying to find something that resembles what we have and there's nothing, you know, there's nothing that he has. And so would be scary to me. Yeah. I don't have the academy. I don't have anything to forward to.
Danny:Think I'm going to compete on July 12. I right now, I'm technically, I just got to pay for it, but I think I made the decision to compete on July 12 for Grappling Industries. Tripp's going to compete. Nice. I know a couple of the guys are thinking about doing it.
Danny:Yeah, think I'm going to compete. I think I think it's time. I think Yeah.
Tyler:I mean, we haven't you didn't you haven't competed since we last competed together.
Danny:We last competed. Yeah.
Tyler:And I'm not in competing shape personally. But I remember leaving that being like, I'm not competing again until I change some things about who I am. So
Danny:feel good. I feel like I feel like I'm ready for that. I feel like I'm I feel like it's it's time, you know, to get back out there and put myself back out there. And so, yeah, that's that's that's that really it's really, we're kind of in a little small of a groove, like, in a like, a little bit of a like a like a like a little low because we're just working hard and trying to keep enjoying the days that Misty and I like can have the whole day with each other.
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:I had a pretty good men's group on Friday. I'll tell you offline of I'm so bummed. Was really good. Actually, I I keep telling you this, that God works in mysterious ways. Yeah.
Danny:And in my in my mind, the way that it worked out was was God had a had a hand in how it worked out. And and when I tell you, like, it's not that I don't want to tell people online. It's just not my story to tell. But when I tell you, you'll be like, oh, it's kind of weird.
Tyler:Yeah. Because what happens in men's group stays in men's group unless you've got the the secret men's group handshake, which I got. And I think that's part of the what makes it this the safe space to to go to go work in. And so that's cool. I'm excited.
Tyler:I definitely have some FOMO. I can't even I I mean, I can't even fathom like my brain. I just space it. I was looking forward to it. And then next thing I know, it was Saturday evening.
Tyler:And I'm like, what?
Danny:And I was texting you to come over for the fights.
Tyler:Yeah. And I was just like, I was just a complete mess. Anyways, I think we wrap it there, man. I appreciate you. It was fun.
Tyler:I'm so grateful for you.
Danny:Thank you.
Tyler:I'm sorry I missed men's group. So grateful that you've put that on. People are interested, how would they would they can we are you opening it up?
Danny:No. So right now it's just invite only from other the men in the group.
Tyler:In the group.
Danny:Right now, because of some of the things that are going on in the men's Yeah. You know, it's it's best if we just, you know, we have right now just keeping it to if you get an invite from if if you want to invite somebody. Sure. That person is more than welcome to come along to men's group. We have we have sponsorships available for the super fights for the camp.
Danny:I'd love to work with the community. I'd love to get out there and talk and, like, put your name out there, put your business out there. Yeah, man. Yeah. It's great.
Tyler:Cool.
Danny:It's a good it's a great it's a great time right now.
Tyler:Such such it's too fun to be inside recording a podcast. Let's get out there and live the summer.
Danny:Let's do it.
Tyler:Alright. Okay. Appreciate you.
Danny:Appreciate
Tyler:you. Hey. We'll see you next episode.
Danny:Cheers. Cheers.
