Learning State
Alright. Welcome back. Here we are a month later.
Tyler:A month later. It's it's on me. It really is on me. Ugh. As my body is, like, stiff to
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Move around, man.
Danny:Yeah. I feel like we we definitely are, like, we're we're on this, like, weird Yeah. Catechism of not timing, not working. Yeah. And my schedule, like, being a little, you know, random as well.
Danny:Yeah. But, yeah, it seems like
Tyler:Summertime.
Danny:We're just
Tyler:Summertime. I mean, we can make all the excuses we want in the world. Right? It came down to we just didn't prioritize it.
Danny:It's not getting to one of those things where you're like pushing it forward on the thing.
Tyler:Right? There's other there's other priorities, but man, I still want to this to be like so much has happened. So I think.
Danny:Yeah. It's like hard now because there's so much in a month Yeah. That goes on. Right? Whenever you look at the size of that spider.
Tyler:Heck yeah. We're farming those.
Danny:Woah. That's a big spider.
Tyler:It's like carrying something too. Dang. We'll try to get that one.
Danny:Probably like that big if you're looking at YouTube. It's probably like a quarter dollar size spider walking across the road.
Tyler:We'll get we'll we'll grab it.
Danny:That's pretty crazy. Are you are you scared of spiders?
Tyler:I don't they don't bother me around here. I don't love like, don't love interact I I don't prefer to I'm like a live and let live. Uh-huh. Right? Like, I'll vacuum them out of my areas, but I'm not like I'm not type that's gonna have a tarantula pet.
Danny:I've put a glove on once and got bit by a spider. Oh, really? I was not stoked on it. It hurt.
Tyler:Oh, it was it was in the glove?
Danny:Yeah. I was in the glove, put my hat in there and it got
Tyler:kind of a nightmare.
Danny:Oh my That
Tyler:is a nightmare.
Danny:It hurt. It, like, hurt really bad. I was like, what in the world this thing and then remember that show, arachnophobia? Yeah. The kids do.
Danny:That
Tyler:thing just
Danny:scared me a lot
Tyler:out of
Danny:me as a kid. That was one time in Cedar City. We we lived in Cedar City one time and they're like, you gotta go check out this road. The they hit a tarantula den. And we were like, what does that mean?
Danny:So we drive down to this road by the airport. And when we are heading there, there's a lot of cars that are looking Mhmm. Kinda parked and and people standing outside. And then we look and we're like, man, looks like the road is moving. Like, like, kind of like moving.
Danny:Yeah. Like, like an ocean. And we're like, oh, it's like that that effect of like the oil above it. Right? But it's like, it's moving.
Danny:It's like it's like and it was like probably they said upwards of like 2,000,000 tarantulas have been have been crossing the road and like stuck in everything because they had hit the they hit a den. And I was like, I didn't realize we had that many tarantulas. Now, you know, this is what, 20 health Tristan, twenty one, twenty one years ago. Yeah. And Cedar City now is like blown up.
Danny:That place where we were we drove by the other day and it's like, what in the world? Yeah. You know? And it it was I am not a fan of spiders. Not even a little bit.
Tyler:I would imagine after being bit. Yeah. I we had a a long time so we way with the way we grew up, my aunt and uncle owned they they still own this house. They're one of those in Colorado, but they had a they own the house a few doors down
Danny:Okay.
Tyler:And they would rent it out and the renter got bit by a a brown recluse. Killed him.
Danny:Brown recluses are bad.
Tyler:They're they're bad news. He was he was moving a pile of wood and it bit him and
Danny:took three
Tyler:days, but it killed him.
Danny:Yeah. They're they're no joke. Yeah. That those I'm always terrified of like I said, when that thing bit me, I was like, that's the first thing I thought is I went to the doctor and the doctor said, well, where we're at, there's no, you know, maybe a black widow, but you would know. Yeah.
Danny:Yeah. You would. It was a brown spider, but I think it was like a wolf spider or something. Yeah. Yeah.
Danny:I don't even know what it was honestly, if it was a wolf But yeah, it was it was it I definitely can still feel the pain of my of that bite.
Tyler:That's funny how our our brain records pain.
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Because that's a like, it feels like the crux. Yeah. The crucible of what I've been dealing with
Danny:for the
Tyler:last month.
Danny:Yeah. It's it's it's it's interesting because like you said, you're your body is definitely feeling Yeah. The ramifications of what you've been going through. Right? Yeah.
Danny:You're on week three or do you go back next week?
Tyler:I start back to back to IV treatment on Monday. So a week from tomorrow or yesterday.
Danny:What was there anything different about this series of four weeks? No. You were on the one pill.
Tyler:Yeah. So that's what I think I figured out the most was that, okay, so being off treatment doesn't really mean I'm off treatment. It means I'm off the IV. It means I'm off the arsenic. There is still another drug which I just kind of neglected, right?
Tyler:I take a handful of pills every day. But there's another scheduled drug, it's called Atra. It's Retin A. So if any of you who are into your getting your face, like, facials or whatever, they use Retin A like for youth. In my age group, like like in our in high school, it was starting to become popular to take Accutane.
Danny:Okay.
Tyler:Accutane is another retinoic acid that is used to treat acne, but they found that there is a pathway in which it crosses the blood brain barrier. And I'm on that drug on different schedule, but it is a it's a chemo drug. It's so it's like it's like ten times the dose of Accutane. And I've noticed that it's and this isn't making an excuse by any means. No.
Tyler:I've I've done and said some hurtful things inadvertent. Not I'm not I'm just having to say like this is it was part chemical and part, you know, just just emotional buildup, emotional residue Yeah. Bubbling off. And and and knowing and that's what I noticed. I think if it weren't for that blow up, like it I wouldn't have noticed, hey, I'm actually been I've been on this drug for two weeks.
Tyler:I noticed when I started taking it that I that it really hurt my gut that I can actually feel it in like I start to to get a tremor. I start getting necrotic in my the palms of my hands and they they measure that stuff. Right? They ask me how far if it's growing that kind of stuff.
Danny:What does that mean necrotic?
Tyler:Like numbness.
Danny:Oh, numbness.
Tyler:Like if you're getting numbness Okay. They don't want you to because then you'd start losing feeling. Oh, wow. You know, they wanna know if I'm losing any feeling and that kind of stuff. So know, not that I'm not, like I said, not not I'm just standing on the awareness.
Tyler:The awareness of it that like, okay, I probably do have the emotional capacity to contain myself in in this situation. But I'm giving myself a little bit of grace because I know that I have this medication that's basically dissolving, know, it's very negatively impacting my mood. Yeah. Very very you you just you feel dark. You feel depressed.
Tyler:Yeah. Your your mood is swinging like so you can have moments where you're like, hey, I'm chippy and and then moments where you just completely crash out. But now I've been off of it. I It's on a different schedule. It's on two weeks off two weeks.
Tyler:Okay. So having this break has kind of helped me to explore that particular portion of my my treatment.
Danny:How long after your so your next round will be week round three.
Tyler:We start round three and I start both the arsenic and the ATRA on the same day.
Danny:What would happen if you didn't take the ATRA?
Tyler:I don't know. I don't know. I'm Is
Danny:it like this is a requirement? This is something that you need to do, Tyler? Don't ask questions. Just just do it.
Tyler:I think that's the question that I need to ask. Right? Like I feel like it's it's 50% of my the treatment. Right?
Danny:Oh, yeah. Sure.
Tyler:So I feel like it is one of those things like I just got to buckle down. Know how many more weeks I'm gonna have of it. I need to be more aware of how I'm interacting with people. I'm also just exhausted like of feeling like a sick person and being treated like a sick person.
Danny:I
Tyler:do yes, I do feel sick but there I'm for the most part like today, I'm feeling pretty good. Right. I'm feeling pretty good. Yes. And some of that is aided but through certain medications, but like I'm feeling I'm feeling able enough to go down to the office.
Tyler:Right?
Danny:Was it busy down there? Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.
Danny:There was social interaction.
Tyler:There was social I mean, that's it. Like I'm isolating. Right? Like I might yeah. Yeah.
Tyler:So
Danny:That's good. Yeah. Yeah. We we yeah. Even like our conversations have been pretty sporadic and pretty like in between things because like sometimes, like, for me personally, like, I'm, like, you know, like giving you space, but also, like, giving you the ability to, like, just learn how to handle these things
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Without feeling like you have to talk about them on every occasion.
Tyler:See, and I I think that's so important, Danny. I don't think I realized that and I probably didn't reach out and say how much I appreciated it. Like, my friendship with Danny is like one where
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:I feel like I hope he knows that I feel like we can pick up Yeah. Wherever we left off and it's like Yeah. We just picked up. We know that we're both we're growing and we're we're experiencing. I didn't I had a great father for the most part, like we had our differences where we are where we are.
Tyler:I'm gonna label it as great just for gratitude. But I didn't really necessarily have a father who taught that emotionally.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:And I don't think he had a father that really taught that emotionally. And I'm seeing changes in my father now which are really beautiful but that ability to learn to self soothe
Danny:Yep.
Tyler:Like just I mean, yeah, there was there's only so much you can kind of do and it's a home.
Danny:And and even like with male friendships. Yeah. Right? It's not like I can I mean, like I could be an ear? Yeah.
Danny:Yeah. I can be like a sound board. Yeah. Right? But at the end of the day, like to figure out, like to figure things out is solely based on you.
Danny:Yeah. You know, solely based on me. Yeah. I tell people that all the time is like, that's the biggest thing for like men is self rescuing and self soothing. Right?
Danny:Women truly don't understand that. Yeah. They don't because men men are always there to help. Men are always there to to fix, to always like be there as your soundboard. Yeah.
Danny:For women. Right?
Tyler:Right.
Danny:But for guys, it's not like you're like it's not like you're willing to be like, oh, yeah. Today, every day, this is what's bothering me every day. Yeah. So what happens is you have to be internally like, is what's going good. This is what's going bad.
Danny:Something that that I've been thinking a lot about and like talking a lot about with Preston is being in a learning state. Being in a learning state all the time of your life. Being in a learning state. Right? For jujitsu, we are always learning.
Danny:I'm never a teacher. I'm never an instructor. I'm always I'll pass on certain knowledges, certain things that I've learned. Yeah. But it's I'm learning Mhmm.
Danny:As you're going through it. Mhmm. I think that men sometimes turn that button off of learning. Yeah. Right?
Danny:I am personally taking a bunch of, like, what I call classes with Preston where he's teaching me like some computer stuff that I truly have no idea about. Yeah. None. I've never been a computer person. I've never been a person that I think like, I know how to get to YouTube.
Danny:I know how to get to certain websites, you know, and I've never known how to utilize data or computer to a skill set that will benefit. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And so but because of my learning state that I'm always that I'm in this I'm to accept instruction.
Danny:I'm willing to accept critique. I'm willing to accept that I don't know. Yeah. Right? I'm I'm excited about it.
Danny:Yeah. Right? And so we were talking about how just being in a learning state can give you so much power. It's when you go, no, I know that. No, I've I've no, I understand that.
Danny:And you take that. I I'm not I'm not willing to accept your instruction. I'm just gonna tell you, no, I know that. Right? You take that.
Danny:Your brain is turned off from learning. And then to rebuild that learning state as an adult male Yeah. So hard. Oh, Kids, they they're in a learning state all the time. They don't have to turn that off.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Right? They're just always learning. So that's why they learn so fast. Yeah. They have that skill plus the skill of learning.
Danny:Yeah. They're in it. Yeah. Right? So they they can accept instruction very easy.
Danny:Yeah. But you can see when your kids have stopped accepting instruction because then you're like, they kind of like give you that flippant.
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah.
Danny:Brush you off type thing. Yeah. Yeah. Know, and it's important to for for men to stay to figure out ways to stay in a learning state.
Tyler:It's it's it is really hard, especially in a day and age where like, you know, we I think we just kind of came out of like the the post educational, like credentialing matters, right? The Internet has kind of democratized education and now we're seeing experts good or bad that are now coaches and or expertise on subject matter experts whether or not they have the credentialing we're now accepting that, right? And so the ability to stay learning is important.
Danny:Well, and how do you get yourself, like, let's say in your personal case, right?
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Your personal case, you're in this like fight of your life. But are you are you able to learn Yeah. In a fight, like in a fight? I don't know, man. Like, you're in self protection mode at that moment.
Danny:Right. It's like, the only thing I'm thinking about is preservation. Right. Right. But learning how to accept people for who they are.
Danny:Yeah. That's a big one. Yeah. Because sometimes we place how we feel or how we do things or how I handle a situation Yeah. I place that on you and I expect the same response that Yeah.
Danny:I give that I give Yeah. Out of you. Mhmm. And if you don't give that response, then I'm like, fuck you then. Yeah.
Danny:You know, instead of just being like, well, no, you're human. Yeah. Take whatever response. I I'm not responsible for how you respond. Yeah.
Danny:I'm responsible for how I respond. Yeah. Right? Yeah. That's what I think men struggle.
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah. I I think you're you're I think you're dead on.
Danny:And with women, you know, like men, women relationships, like relationships with women. Like sometimes men, like sometimes we just don't get it right. Oh. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Danny:Like sometimes I just pissed Misty off and I have no idea what I did. Yeah. She's just pissed off at me and I was like, don't forget, lady, we're on the same team. Yeah. You know, but there's just but but there's so many times when I expect her to respond the way that I respond or the way that I deal with things and she doesn't.
Danny:And then I'm like mad at her that she didn't respond the way that I didn't that I wanted her to. Right. And times up by your kids.
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah. And you look at like, are you even really are you even if you're projecting your expectation, are you guys even really having the same argument? Yeah. I mean, are you?
Tyler:Who knows?
Danny:Who knows?
Tyler:You could be speaking two different languages at the And and it and it doesn't matter. And I think we see that we see that as a reflection in our relationships because because of how close we are, we can we can see it better. Like those intimate relationships, that relationship you have with Misty, Your everything is probably children reflect in a certain way. Your parents reflect in a certain way and you start seeing those things like all the time when I say, oh, I never wanted to be like my dad. Now you're seeing like, just kind of happens.
Danny:It can happen.
Tyler:And you realize, oh, I'm actually, there's some conditioning that happens.
Danny:The genetic.
Tyler:Genetic condition. Yeah.
Danny:I
Tyler:think we give our higher functioning brains too much credit sometimes. I think we give ourselves too much credit for being thinking creatures and we forget a lot about the nature of what our brain really cares about, which is just safety.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:Like when you think about it, it's it's just designed to keep us safe.
Danny:For sure. Yeah. And and to to remember a situation that you weren't safe in and then to protect you from that situation however you want to. Right. Which I think sometimes is why you protect your kids because you've seen the situation and you're like, I know what's going happen.
Danny:So you try to tell them and you try to create what happens, but their brain or they didn't experience it the way they experienced it. They're like, I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't know. I'm gonna touch the fire.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:I'm gonna touch this the the hot stove.
Tyler:Right. The competence breeds confidence type scenario. They need they sometimes have to go through that humbling. I think teaching via negativa is really hard. Like, it's there's some life lessons where you can teach that don't do drugs.
Tyler:Right? We can all see the
Danny:Agreed.
Tyler:The druggie and we can all point at that and say and yet it still it still hooks people from time to time.
Danny:For sure.
Tyler:You know? We're we're just we're just wired to just basic just basic functions.
Danny:Well, and and sometimes you see the teacher as this, like, higher power. Right? Yeah. And the if the teacher takes if the teacher's a good learner, right, if they're a good learner, good listener, good good everything, they'll
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:They'll make they'll make they'll make adjustments as you're learning because they're not taking ownership on the item that they're teaching.
Tyler:Gee, that's huge. What you just said is huge. If the teacher is a good learner, you are going to experience it better.
Danny:For sure.
Tyler:That makes a lot
Danny:of In in any in anything. Yeah. If we take it back to our jujitsu men, like professor always says, this is not my this is not Mike my Dia's jiu jitsu. Yeah. It's not my jiu jitsu.
Danny:Yeah. It's what I learned from Pedro who learned from master Elio. It's been brought down. I'm teaching what I've learned. Right?
Danny:Yeah. And what he says is that then me, Danny, when I'm teaching, I don't have to take ownership of the jujitsu and I don't have to put the ownership on Mike. I can just say, this is the way that I learned it. Who was and was taught to me this way. Right?
Danny:And when you look at it in those instances, going back to Preston teaching me these things, like he had zero qualm about dumbing it down for me. Yeah. To where I understood. He didn't even I was telling him I was doing I was doing pivot tables.
Tyler:Oh, yeah.
Danny:Right? On on so what what I'm doing is I've never I've never kept track of my finances. Never. I've always spent money. Sometimes I overspend.
Danny:Sometimes I understand. Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm like, shit, I need to, like, really buckle down for a week or two. Yep. Back to being happy.
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:My my finances have never like I've never been up and down with my finances. I've always been even. Don't care what happens to them. Yeah. I have a house over my head.
Danny:I have cars that I drive. I don't give a shit. Yeah. But getting closer to retirement, I was like, man, I really need to learn this. And I didn't know where to start.
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:Yeah. And so somebody told me to put into chat chat GPT just my thoughts of where I wanted my what I wanted out of my finances. And I'd spent, like, five days with this chat GPT commands of well, this is what I'm looking for. And I had this, like, spreadsheet in front of me of of finances. Oh.
Danny:And I was like, I don't even know what the fuck I'm looking at. Yeah. It's numbers. Oh, yeah. I can see what I'm spending in groceries, but I don't know how to break it down and all this shit.
Danny:So then I was kinda talking to press about this. He goes, I'll if you ever wanna just, like, sit down and chat, I'll show you some of the stuff that I what I do. Yeah. Talk about subject matter expertise number one. Dude's been doing data since Yeah.
Danny:Early nineties
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah.
Danny:To now. Yeah. He was telling me that he used to write it on paper. Write all this stuff that we're doing on paper. Yeah.
Danny:Then he learned how to code. Yeah. He could recode shit. And I'm like, yeah, this is the guy that I need to talk to. He's so much more smarter than me.
Danny:Yeah. But he doesn't care like he doesn't care what I'm doing it for. He just wants to share some information. Yeah. Yeah.
Danny:I'm looking at these pivot tables. I don't understand how to do pivot tables. And so I'm explaining to him and my language that I think I'm speaking right. And he goes, he's looking at me and he's smiling and he's smiling. He goes, yeah, you're putting too much thought into this.
Danny:Let me show you. And so he puts, you know, we have my computer and he does a couple of things and I'm like, he does this quick code and he's like, yeah, if you just do this and I'm like, over my head. So he walks me through it three times, then he's like, just do it on your own on a test sheet of paper. So you can just undo the test sheet of paper. Yeah.
Danny:Yeah. Just start over. Yeah. Put it on the test sheet of paper, start over. If it doesn't be what you wanna do, cool.
Danny:Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Right? The whole time, he is so, like, smiling, laughing, happy as fuck.
Danny:Just cool as shit that he is getting to talk his nerd language.
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah.
Danny:To me, this Neanderthal. Right? And what he said was, well, you're so excited to learn and I'm so excited to teach you.
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah. It makes it fun.
Danny:It makes it fun.
Tyler:It makes it fun.
Danny:But imagine, like, if he was like, look, dumbass, and choose my ass or something like I've I've showed you this 10 times. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be like, okay, cool. Yeah.
Danny:I'd get turned off.
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah. There's no there's no there's no empathy there.
Danny:None. Yeah. But I thought about that with how I talk with Misty, with how I talk with the kids, how I talk with my boys, you know, like the same concept of like, if I'm a good teacher and they're willing to learn, it doesn't matter if you make mistakes. Yeah. Just you get to erase the test sheet and start over if you want to.
Danny:Yeah. Right? I think about that in life. Yeah. Right?
Danny:Yeah. We've talked about this before. Like, we've never been given playbooks on how to be who we are today.
Tyler:Well, I'll I'll back you up. I said we will have. We will be some consciously we've been given some playbooks.
Danny:Okay. Yeah. The ones
Tyler:But you're right. We've never been given, you know, to your point, you're right. We've never been given a playbook.
Danny:Or you can't go find like how should Tyler deal with his divorce. Yes. You can't go search that. No. You could put that in chat GPT, but chat GPT tells you in the nicest ways of what you should do.
Danny:He kind of chat GPT kind of is is a little sensitive. Yeah. Right?
Tyler:That's some empathy training. Yeah.
Danny:But you weren't you're not given a book. So who do you look to to be to to figure these things out because you're learning.
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:Who'd be and and if you get angry, right? Mhmm. You've stopped learning. Yes. And if you get frustrated, no more learning.
Danny:Yeah. Just anger. Yeah. Right? Guess what?
Danny:The person that you're fighting with or the person that you're that that that has caused this grief has also now stopped listening. Yep. Stop learning. Yeah. Stop teaching.
Tyler:They're done.
Danny:They're done.
Tyler:They're done.
Danny:You know? So how do you do it? How how in those moments of struggle, where do you see because right now, for all intents and purposes, you're in it.
Tyler:Yeah. I think for me, my my for a long time, my motto has been seek to understand.
Danny:Mhmm.
Tyler:Ask more questions. Ask more questions. I'm I'm terrible at it even to this day. Ask more questions, seek to understand. And every time that like I go into specifically when I know that there is a chance that it could become combative.
Tyler:Sure. If I know that it's going to maybe not if I start by asking questions, if I start by just asking rudimentary dumb questions, the outcome has always been better for me than when I kind of come out guns a blazing.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:Making sure my point is understood, needing to be understood.
Danny:Well, but that's a defense mechanism.
Tyler:It's true.
Danny:Right? It's
Tyler:true. It's that anger. It's that frustration.
Danny:It's that And because I'm not seeing you Right. For you. Yeah. Or I'm not seeing you how you see yourself. Right.
Danny:So you're like, no, I'm fucking nice. What the hell are talking about? I'm the nicest fucking person around. Yeah. Okay.
Danny:Look at you. Yeah. Are you? Are you the nicest person? Right.
Danny:Honestly?
Tyler:Well, right. And if you're so busy saying that, like, yeah, you have to be like yeah.
Danny:Yeah. Which then becomes me, you going, well, you're just a narcissist because you're making me act this way. Yeah. And I'm like, yep. Yeah.
Danny:You know? But we're not learning and we're not teaching. We're not growing. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Danny:And then again, like, were you given a playbook on how to deal with cancer? No. No. And truthfully, your friends were not given a playbook on how to deal with Tyler in can't with cancer. Yeah.
Danny:Yes. You know? No. Yeah. Yeah.
Danny:No. And Jesse getting hit by the bike. Oh. You know? Yes.
Danny:We we man, what a man, I'm telling you when I seen him, I was like, thank God. Yeah. You know, when he when we we sat there, we bullshitted. And then when we hugged at the end, I was like overwhelmed with emotions because I and I knew I was gonna cry. I knew I held it together as long as I could.
Danny:Yeah. As soon as he left, I was like, I am so glad you're alive. Yeah. But I think the same thing with you. Yeah.
Danny:Like, I am so glad that my friends are alive because the the other I mean, I'll deal with any bullshit. Yeah. Don't care if you're mad. Don't care if you Yeah. Yeah.
Danny:I don't care if you tune somebody up like I'm fucking if you don't like them, I don't like them. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Yeah.
Danny:But I mean, I don't want you to do that kind of stuff. But Yeah. You know, more importantly, I'm glad you're alive.
Tyler:Yeah. I think my biggest fear is that obviously I was in my head a lot in my head a lot and not wanting to spread my toxicity around. Right? Like knowing that there was nothing I could do to pull myself out of this spot and it's completely up to me to self rescue. Sure.
Tyler:I have not I've always had somebody to come bail my ass out. I need to spend more time, you know, just sucking it up. Sure. I that's what you when you when you grow up with a single mom, moms don't know not to rescue you. Agreed.
Tyler:They don't know when not to rescue.
Danny:Agreed. I've had to tell my mom a bunch of times. Yeah. Don't need you to and I don't need you to say a single thing. Yeah.
Danny:I need you just to listen. Yeah. Dads? Yep. Like, I mean, for me, like, sometimes my boys are, like, telling me what they're doing, tell me what they're doing and I'm and I'll say, Katie, you want my advice or just listen?
Danny:Yeah. I just want you to listen. Yeah. Cool. But I've had to tell my mom, like, sternly, I don't need you to say a single thing.
Danny:Yeah. Just listen. Yeah. Don't say anything. I don't need you to help me.
Danny:Just listen. You know? Because you're right. I don't think that again, women are not built. They don't know how to.
Danny:Like, my wife is very good. She's very understanding. She's very she's very great. But when it comes to like solving major problems, we have to do that together,
Tyler:you
Danny:know, because I don't know if they're built to solve and I'm not saying this mean. I'm not saying this rude.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:You know, don't take it offensively. I probably will offend a couple of people. Sometimes my thoughts should probably stay in my head, but I just don't think
Tyler:they I think that's the important about raw thought. Right? Like you you you need you need you need the thought to be challenged so become polished a little bit. Right? I think just put it you gotta just put it
Danny:out there.
Tyler:Yeah. You may regret it later. Right? Like you it's okay. I think that's I think that's the other thing too.
Tyler:Like we we we know we're dead when our brains harden.
Danny:Yep.
Tyler:Right? When we talk about learning, youth young, they learn easier because their brains are soft and malleable. Yeah. As we get older, right? We know we know that from science, right?
Tyler:Sure. Right? So if if if we get so stuck on a version of somebody, that version of somebody is always how we see them. Sure. Are they really capable of of learning?
Danny:Yeah.
Tyler:Am I capable of learning at that point?
Danny:Or yeah. Growing
Tyler:Or growing?
Danny:To a different
Tyler:Well, that's the thing. That's what it requires. Right? It's all it's the same.
Danny:And it goes back to what you said. Ask a million questions. Yeah. Ask a million questions. Yeah.
Danny:Ask so many questions that the person teaching you is has to now think on how to, one, answer the question. Two, make it so that you both are understanding what each other is talking about. Yeah. You know? And again, I go back to Preston, like, showed me some simple ways to do some things.
Danny:And now I have a spreadsheet for that I'm working on for to keep track of my jujitsu. I have a spreadsheet to keep track of my financials. I have a spreadsheet to keep track of my breathing. I have a spreadsheet to keep track of my stretching. And I was like, well, I'm just learning.
Danny:Yeah. Right? And if I stay in this constant state of learning or constant state of, like, asking a ton of questions, whenever I'm called upon to be an instructor, I will be willing to accept questions, willing to adjust my thinking because that's the other thing with, like, professor is he's always willing to accept instruction. Mhmm. And he's accept he's willing to accept somebody teaching him a better way to do things.
Danny:Right? Because that's what else happens is you could be like, oh, light bulb on. Yeah. This is this might be a better way to do this. Yeah.
Danny:Right? Yeah. And men, you know, in in our generation, right, you know, you we don't understand social media but sometimes when like guys like your you and I's age do social media, they come off as brash and like Yeah. Bullshit. Yeah.
Danny:Like you're like, come on, man.
Tyler:Late to the party trying to just make money.
Danny:Yeah. And they're they're not genuine Yeah. Which is why I struggle with social media. I feel like I come off as not genuine. Yeah.
Danny:Right? I feel like what I come off as contrived and bullshit. Yeah. So I don't know if that's the I don't think that's the case with with with people, but I do think that it's not who I wanna be. Yeah.
Danny:Younger guys, you know. Yeah. Younger guys, they understand social media a little bit better. Right? Yeah.
Danny:But do they have the life experiences to to to motivate me?
Tyler:Right.
Danny:To to to teach me a new way of doing something. Yeah. Do they have the life experiences? Yeah. You know, I know for a fact that, like, you know, when I talk to Tristan and Braxton, they like sometimes they motivate me.
Danny:Yeah. To do things slightly different. Yeah. You know? But they're also in a learning state.
Tyler:Yeah. Always. That's that's not to say that they can't teach you something. Right? Like Sure.
Tyler:So what does it take to be a good learner?
Danny:I think
Tyler:because I'm I'll be honest, like academically, the way school was taught to me, I was a terrible learner.
Danny:Same.
Tyler:But there are things where I can become obsessive and I just soak it up and I can learn like I I really enjoy the subject matter or whatever and I can learn it.
Danny:Yeah. I I think like when you don't actually like the subject matter Mhmm. But you can still convince the teacher that you are so interested in this thing. Yeah. You are a great learner.
Danny:Yeah. Right? And accepting accepting what the person is saying or teaching.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Because teaching could potentially be very rough. Right? Yeah. Sometimes, let's say let's say you are going through a bad breakup. Mhmm.
Danny:Right? Yeah. And you are like, I wanna rip everything apart and not and do like crazy shit. Right? Yeah.
Danny:But how could you both walk away amicably knowing that the relationship just ended? Yeah. Right? Well, you need to be in a very, very, very vulnerable state. Yeah.
Danny:Your ego had better be in check. Yeah. Right? And your your your emotions are gonna be up and down anyways. Right?
Danny:So you better have some sort of gauge on when your emotions are too high and too low. Yeah. Right? And I think that in itself means that you are a pretty good learner. Yeah.
Danny:It's when you take the stand of, nope. I'm not accepting any of this shit. Yeah. You put your wall up, you put your stand up and you stand on your laurels and you go fuck this. I'm Yeah.
Danny:I'm fighting to the death now.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Right. You stopped learning at that point. Right. There's no more learning and it's all about self preservation and fight. Right?
Danny:And we all have that too. Yeah. Fight or flight.
Tyler:So when does it when does it need to switch? Right? Like you're teaching the young kids jujitsu. At what point do you have to kind of stand on business?
Danny:When your when your health and you potentially could be hurt. That doesn't mean that you haven't provoked this thing. So Mika Mika met Mika that came and taught at the camp, he taught he taught this cool thing and I've thought about it a lot. And what he said was, let's say I have a and and master sour and oh my gosh. I'm gonna my brain just took a fart, but it was a it was a social media clip that also came about the same time as a camp where Master Sour was was working with one of the Gracie, one of the older Gracies, and the guy had a stick.
Danny:And every time that he would kinda lift the stick up, master Sow would kinda grab him. And he was like, I'm not even doing anything yet. You're escalating you're escalating this. Yeah. Right?
Danny:You're escalating it. Now, if I pull the stick up and I go to hit you, that's different. But if I just what if I'm asking you with questions and I'm like, hey, where what is over there? But I have a stick in my hand. Have I have I now provoked that I'm gonna hit you?
Danny:No. Yeah. And Miko was talking about the same thing and he said that sometimes if you're talking loud and I talk louder with my hands and I'm like and I become aggressive but I have now escalated this. Instead of de escalating it, I've escalated it. Yes.
Danny:Right? Yeah. So, when you are about if if there is potential for you getting hurt Right. You need to change. You need to change things.
Danny:Yeah. Right? So, you may at that moment go from learning or or in this state of like, okay, I'm I'm keeping my ego in check. I'm keeping myself in check to, okay, I'm protecting myself now. Protect myself.
Danny:That's my number one job. Right. Protect myself. Right. But if you've caused this issue, can you say, no, no, no, I'm just protecting myself if you've caused the confrontation?
Tyler:Yeah. No, don't if like if you've instigated
Danny:If you've instigated it.
Tyler:Yeah. I mean, I guess that that that that like flows into like what is a righteous war. Right? If I if I nuke somebody preemptively, right? But I know that they were going to use their nukes against me.
Tyler:Am I justified in doing so? Right. No. I don't think you I don't think you ever I don't think you ever are. Right?
Tyler:I think I don't know. What is the what is the what is the warrior ethos say? Like, I would I would say, no, you're you're as culpable as the person you're you're you're blowing up. And and it's okay to have those those moments of weakness or need to need to even stand on business. Right?
Tyler:And say, hey, you're actually addressing a boundary and this is how I'm going to respond with that boundary. Right? A boundary is not me saying, that's a boundary. A boundary is like a specific action based on whatever. Right?
Tyler:Like.
Danny:I agree. Yeah. The boundary doesn't have to be said out loud.
Tyler:Right. So even if I even if I instigate and I get to a point where I say I'm I've hit a boundary and I'm now I'm now out, I'm bouncing from the conversation. Right? Like, I I think I think that's okay. Right?
Tyler:You you it's okay to be in those moments of crisis and say, oh, wait, even I I can still be wrong and I can I can walk away? Sure. I'm not saying you're justified in your behavior.
Danny:Now I've I've I've this is my boundary. But Yeah. But you knew that the you knew that it was gonna go that way. You knew that there was gonna be damage one way or the other.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:But then you go, woah, woah, woah. I'm protecting myself. Is that not to into to me that is still escalation. And this is why I think like men, particularly men. Mhmm.
Danny:Right? We sometimes escalate things. Mhmm. Knowing that there's gonna be an escalation.
Tyler:Oh, yeah.
Danny:And willing Yeah. To be like, well, I'm kind of into this one today. Yeah. I'm kind of into this today. Right?
Danny:And does that take away from the fact that you're not, you know, does that say you're bad? No, it doesn't say that you're bad. It just means that again, what we're built for. We're built for conflict.
Tyler:Yeah. I think you're absolutely right. I think you're absolutely right. And we've what we've done with our modern society is we've legislated, we've put rules around how do we handle conflict. What's what's allowed.
Tyler:Right? We've there's some framework that has been put in in place. Right. Right? And and now there's behavior when you interact with each other and with this kind of common group of laws and morals or expectations.
Tyler:Right? When you interact, you're you're both agreeing to play within this
Danny:Agreed.
Tyler:Yeah. Within this within this rule this this Within
Danny:these rule sets.
Tyler:With these rule sets. Right? So I think it's about the awareness of what are you what are you creating? I don't necessarily think conflict is bad. I don't think calling somebody out for their their shitty behavior is bad.
Tyler:Right? And so I don't know. I guess I'm interested. Where do you think? Where where are we where where are you going with this?
Tyler:Like what if I continue to egg it on, like where where where are we now?
Danny:Are we both playing by the same you said it. Are we both playing by the same rules? Are we both so whenever we go into jujitsu, right? And we smack hands and bump things, both understand the rules. Yes.
Danny:Right? Yes. If you and I are we have same moral beliefs
Tyler:Uh-huh.
Danny:Same we understand each other boundaries Yes. And we have a we have a very heated argument Yeah. And we both understand that punches can never be thrown. Right. We can talk.
Danny:We can be loud. We can say that. We can say swear words to each other.
Tyler:Yes.
Danny:But but but there's a boundary of we both know that once we punch those boundaries, those rules change and our relationship changes. Yeah. Yeah. I think that as long as you're playing in the same rules Oh, yeah. Playing, like you said, playing within the same rules, as long as you both know they understand the same rules, it's when the rules keep changing to benefit me.
Tyler:Right. Right.
Danny:Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whether whether it's not Danny or nothing, the person whoever.
Tyler:Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Tyler:I know what you mean.
Danny:Especially with women.
Tyler:Yes. Right. Right?
Danny:Right. Because, like, we can play in the same rules. Misty and I can play in the same rules, but if my voice if my voice raises, guess what? That's The rules, those are not the rules that she abides by. Right?
Danny:So she could be like, well, okay. Well, she say a swear word. Guess what? Those may be rules that I don't I'm like, wait a minute. I don't say swear words to to now we're adding rules.
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:We're adding these rules as we're going on. So what happens? We've both stopped learning. We've both stopped listening. Yeah.
Danny:We've both stopped engaging. Yeah. We're only escalating. Yes. So just like you to your point of when there are rules or boundaries Yes.
Danny:Which is a rule. Yeah. Right? And we both agree to those things. Yeah.
Danny:Then we can be like, okay, we can fight. We can fight fair.
Tyler:We can fight fair.
Danny:Yes. As a marriage in a marriage or a friendship like we have, we can always adjust Yes.
Tyler:Good conflict. Good conflict will have will have that set of rules that'll be agreed on. Right? And it can have a
Danny:great relationship. We could be like, I get where you're coming from, but Yes. Yes. And it won't be ego that's that's that's stopping that.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Even though in the moment you may feel, well, that's just your ego talking. Yes. Right? Yeah. Same thing when we slap hands, bump fist, you escalate it a little bit, you turn your energy up, I turn my energy up and you go, woah, woah, woah, what the fuck?
Danny:And I'm like, well, I'm just matching your energy. And you're like, I was matching your and now we're back and forth of who energy is worse. Well, energy transfers two ways.
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Right? With our bodies in conflict and also with our voices. Yes. Right? Yeah.
Danny:And so when we go back to that instructor learning, you know, teaching an instructor thing, if we're in this learning if we're always in a learning state, we can go we can stop for a minute. Right? Take a step back and say, okay, were we both playing in the same roles? Mhmm. Where who escalated it?
Danny:Yes. Maybe it was me. Yeah. Maybe it was me that escalated it and I didn't realize I realized I was escalating. Right.
Danny:Right. Maybe I didn't realize that I had gone from learning and my ego got the best of me and now my emotions got the best of me. And so I stopped learning and I took a different stand. Right? And again, in my opinion, that's the hardest thing as a man.
Danny:Yeah. Because you're not given a rule book. You're given this this form that people see as sometimes overly aggressive male. Yes. This bullshit alpha male bullshit.
Danny:I'm sorry. It's bullshit to me. Yeah. The alpha male. Like, you know, some guy got ahold of that.
Danny:It bounced all over the Internet and now some random dude thinks that screaming at women
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:And talking shit to other dudes is me just being an alpha male. No, you're being a douchebag.
Tyler:Yeah. You know, like the what is it? It's Tate?
Danny:Yeah. What's his name? He's being a jerk. Yeah. You found a platform for people to not and you're not getting punched in the face regularly.
Tyler:Right. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Regularly enough.
Tyler:Yeah.
Danny:Regularly. And maybe you have things. I mean, I don't know. That's it it it dawns on me that, like, in in all reality, when you're not given a playbook or, you know, this rules to to rules to set up boundaries with what we've
Tyler:talked Yeah.
Danny:And you're making your own. If you go, no, these are hard and fast. This is hard and fast. And then somebody goes, well, what about this? Like Preston did.
Danny:Well, what about this? This is a hard and fast rule, but what about this? Yeah. And they challenge you and you're like, oh, What about that?
Tyler:Yeah. Yeah. I think that's why for me boundaries are never meant to be walls of disconnection. They're always meant to to promote healthy connection. Sure.
Tyler:And if I've withdrawn, it's because the chances are you've you've you have crossed those boundaries enough where I'm no longer safe with you. Sure. I'm no longer safe with you and I will never feel safe with you. Sure. And so my guard will always be up, always be a little bit prickly.
Tyler:It'll always be one of those, you know, USA versus Russia kind of like standoffs. Right? Like power of two, like, I I probably won't.
Danny:Yeah. You know? When you take a hard and fast stand like that, are there people who always get passes? Pass that. Like, let's say somebody who you go, like, really close with parent, child, spouse, and they push those boundaries.
Danny:Do you go, okay, that is a boundary. But because of who you are and where you lie in my life, I'm going to give you a pass and you're going and I'm not going to hold you to the same standard as if it was put insert another person who I don't have the same relationship
Tyler:Right. I would say, but personally I think I probably do, principally I would say you should be principled. You should treat people. It should be principles before people. So if principally that person is is given a pass and I'm not I am not being principled.
Tyler:So therefore I am at fault. Why why would I make the rules different for different people? That's me being on in not principled. And I I really my goal in life is to be principled. Sure.
Tyler:I I believe when when I am principled, principles will be reflect reflected back to me. Sure. Right? They're they they they coexist. They they cross they cross the boundary.
Danny:And I believe myself, like you and I know we're gonna do like, we can't get too far into this, but you gave me a book called No More Mister Yeah. Nice And there were so many things in there where I was like Yeah. That's how I am. Yeah. Oh my gosh.
Danny:Like, man, I give passes. Yes. And and I have given so many passes to probably people that I shouldn't give passes to because I'm just learning how to set up boundaries on myself and just learning how like, that it doesn't isn't a reflection of me being a douchebag Right. By just being like, I'm not okay with that. And I'm gonna say no.
Danny:Yeah. I'm gonna tell you no. Yeah. Because I just don't feel comfortable with putting myself in that position. Right.
Danny:And I, you know, I listen to that book and I'm like, so many of the chapters resonate where I'm like, oh my God, this is it took me for it took me a little bit longer to read it because I was trying not to like sometimes when I read books like that, man, I like overstimulates myself and then I started to like, all of a sudden, like Misty's like, what the fuck is going on? You got all this craziness going on in your head, but it's because I'm overstimulated by it.
Tyler:You're overthinking it. You're overplaying it. You're overanalyzing it.
Danny:And I'd like to be I'd like to do a really deep dive on that book. Yeah. Because there was some stuff in there that I was like, holy shit. Yeah. And it and it fucked with me again.
Danny:Yeah. You know, like where I can see that I'd let a lot of people walk all over me. Yeah. In play in times that I shouldn't have because I just gave them passes so much. You know?
Danny:And I didn't wanna be you know, I already come off as a gruff guy sometimes, you know, and I don't want to be, you know, disingenuous. But there's times when I let people walk on me because I was like, I'd rather just it's fine. Like, it's fine. It's fine.
Tyler:Do that book I think was and I we won't have time to get into it. But single handedly one of the most eye opening for me towards my explosive anger, which matched my father's anger.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:Right? I saw my father's anger in myself. And then I explored, oh, it's because I've given all these passes. I've now built up all this resentment, resentment, resentment, and resentment explode. Yeah.
Tyler:It's it's a good book and it is. It's heavy. You do need somebody to to kind of go through with it, you know?
Danny:It was yeah. It's still like there's things that I'm like, I'll be sitting around and I'll be thinking, I'll be like, wow, that's a weird way to and again, it's because I wasn't taught Yeah. Certain things by a father or by my father.
Tyler:Right. Right.
Danny:Right. Did have a dream a couple of days ago about my dad. My dad and my uncle who both look similar and I kinda look similar to them. This is the only thing I remember about my dream is like we're sitting around and they're very old, my dad and my uncle. And my dad looks at me and he says, in our next life, we are gonna be so much better friends.
Danny:And I was like, woah. You know, woke up and I was so emotional that day thinking about it all day long about like what that meant, you know, like my dad saying that to me in my dream, you know? And it it it definitely like again, I think it's because, like, my brain is like expanding on things. Yeah. And so I'm thinking about my dad a lot.
Danny:Yeah. You know, and I and just our failed relationship, you know, just like how how bad our relationship failed.
Tyler:Mhmm.
Danny:You know? And a lot of it comes down to just me certain things that I was just like such a douchebag about. Mhmm. Just such a douchebag. Cause I wanted to prove a point and then my ego got in the way and I was never learning and I would never learn to I would never accept to learn more about him or where why he was the way he is or things, you know.
Danny:But now, because in my instance, you know, like where I'm at now, I wonder often wonder if it's a little too late to change these things about myself because I've called him and talked to him, but nothing changes.
Tyler:Woah. Well, well, that's a whole another
Danny:Yeah. Right.
Tyler:That's a whole another topic, man. I missed your smile. Yeah. I missed your smile.
Danny:Yeah. It's
Tyler:been it's been too long.
Danny:What so we still need to recap.
Tyler:We got summer camp. Summer camp?
Danny:We need to recap some men's group stuff that that have been that we've been that that that's been going on. Jiu Jitsu stuff, Jesse. Jesse. You know, we want we wanna get Jesse on here. We're gonna get Nick and Tripp on here.
Danny:Yep. They've got Nick Howlett's fight at the super camp is at the at the at the summer camp and the super fights was insane.
Tyler:It was so good.
Danny:When he walked on the mat, you know, like, there were some things that, you know, like, couple of guys that walked on the mat this time, you know, they were black belts. So they had they had that that aura and that, like, room out, the energy kind of thing. And then Nick walked on the mat and you're like, woah. Yeah. Was dominant.
Danny:Yeah. And then they have a they have a fight coming up September 6. They're going to Chicago, him and Tripp.
Tyler:I'm so excited for
Danny:Jeff Curran's promotion. They've been training hard. Yeah. Insanely hard. Insanely hard.
Danny:Both of those guys are gangsters.
Tyler:I know. I'm so excited to get on the mat.
Danny:You should.
Tyler:I've done something crazy. I've I've put it out there, But I did sign up.
Danny:You did?
Tyler:I did sign up to fight and tap out cancer in some Oh,
Danny:When is that again?
Tyler:February 28.
Danny:And at that point, how long?
Tyler:It'll be one, almost one year for my diagnosis. Wow. It'll be I think we're about seven months now to the time from now until the time it came. I think I'll have a solid four months back on the mat after treatment Wow. Between then and the fight.
Tyler:I'll be there and
Danny:I'll compete. Alright. Yeah for sure. I'll compete.
Tyler:That's I would that's what that's my call. That's my call. I haven't put it out in the community yet. One, I've wanted to step on Nick. I know they're fundraising right now to get them some sponsorship out there.
Tyler:So if you're interested in sponsoring those two fighters, get you know, we'll we'll get we'll we'll help make that happen. But yes, I want to build a team. I want to represent Park City Jiu Jitsu.
Danny:Good.
Tyler:I don't want people to donate to me. If you're into competing and you're gonna compete next year, come compete. All you have to do is raise $250 and your fees are free. The to compete is free. Really?
Danny:Yeah. That's cool.
Tyler:Yeah. And you would be surprised who will donate in the name of cancer. Very cool. Great charities. Good.
Tyler:We'll we'll pitch that as well and we'll we'll talk more about my training plan for that. But, yeah, you're gonna be a big part of it.
Danny:Sick. Yeah. Thank you for today. Yeah. Thank you.
Danny:It was you know, I hope I hope it opens up a lot more conversation as far as like learning and Yeah. In that learning Yes. Learning state. And then again for men, like today, I heard again today about a young man that's that's going through it. And somebody reached out to me and they were like, do you mind talking to him?
Danny:Do you mind, you know, just just asking some questions because he's going through it and they're a little bit worried about his mental state. And again, I understand it. Like, I get it. It's just we're just certain things you're not built for and you don't have the keys to them. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't learn how to at least accept learning for it.
Danny:Right? Because I'm not personally, like I'm not like, oh, I've got this figured out. No, I'll tell you my stories. I'll tell you exactly what happened the day.
Tyler:Oh, and I think that's the beautiful thing that's the beautiful thing about where I want to come from. And this is why the medium of a podcast long form is better for me than social media.
Danny:Sure.
Tyler:You can take any one of our clips and it'd be a great social media post.
Danny:I'm sure
Tyler:if I were better at doing it, we'd have, you know, I'd be we'd have much higher than 10,000 followers on the Instagram. Right? But the long form allows us to have conversation. While yes, bits and pieces can be taken in context, it's best suited as as a whole. And we're not experts.
Tyler:No. My my hope is that my fucked up story will inspire you. Same. Yeah. And and and or them or anyone.
Tyler:Right? I've been depression sucks. Yep. Depression sucks. When you don't even feel like getting out of bed, it sucks.
Tyler:It does. You know, we had another member of our our local Heber community, a local restaurant tour take his own life I know. Just recently and that's
Danny:Yeah. And and the and that, you know, like we said, that's that's final. Mhmm. It's not like your people who are around move on from that. That's the last memory.
Danny:That's all they that's all they memorize. That's all they that's all they have for memory is that is that whatever happened was too much and they'll think, could I have done more? Should I have done more? Would I have done more?
Tyler:Right.
Danny:Just to help you through that situation. Right. And so, you know, we're again, we're we're we're here. We're I'm we have ears. Yep.
Danny:You know, if it's just, do you want me to say anything or do you want me to just listen? Yeah. You know, it's cool. Yeah. I appreciate you.
Danny:Yeah. Glad to see you. I'm glad that you're smiling and still got some color to your face.
Tyler:We'll get more. We'll see. Check we'll check-in next week and see Yeah. When we get back.
Danny:Keep going.
Tyler:We'll keep going.
Danny:Yeah. Yeah.
Tyler:Okay. Good. Cheers.
Danny:Alright. See you guys.
Tyler:Peace, everybody.
